What can I do if its too hard for me to feel better in my current circumstances?
Where It All Starts
There is a particular piece of personal growth wisdom, that if genuinely embraced , is absolutely life-changing. However, it is equal parts difficult for the ego to stomach–it isn’t our circumstances that determine how we feel, it is how we respond to them, it is how we choose to look at them.
This means that no situation inherently is ‘bad’–that is a judgment the mind makes. Now as a fellow human, I totally get said judgments about certain elements of our experience–loved ones dying, relationships ending, being physically or emotionally hurt by others, financial difficulty, growing up with abusive parents, being bullied–the list of ‘bad’ things can go on and on.
Most of us are going to find these types of experiences painful and that’s okay. Our reactions are totally understandable BUT that they are understandable doesn’t necessarily mean they are inevitable, that we have no other choice but to feel terrible about these things, that we have no other choice than to subscribe to whatever story the mind is telling that set the stage for these emotional responses.
We can feel all these feelings–that is important–but with an eye towards releasing the painful stories, with an eye towards embracing perspectives that make it easier to deal with challenging times and unwanted situations, that would actually allow us to truly feel better no matter what has happened.
But truly feeling better in the midst of an experience that feels shitty really cannot happen in any consistent way until we are willing to accept the premise the situation isn’t really the true cause of our feelings.
Without a real, genuine willingness to entertain this idea, we remain trapped by the mind’s idea that what is happening is responsible for our feelings. It then concludes we probably can’t feel better until circumstances rearrange themselves in a way it finds more preferable, until certain things happen, until certain unwanted elements are removed from the equation.
This way of looking at things puts a major damper on our conscious creation efforts because it leaves us wanting to change things from a space of intense resistance to where we are now. This means we will be focused on what we don’t like, what we don’t want and all the potential outcomes we find undesirable.
And LOA 101–focusing on what we don’t want makes it really hard to get what we do. No matter how much our mind justifies focusing in this way, this fact will never change. We won’t get a pass on having to make these inner shifts. We won’t be able to somehow circumvent the natural order of things.
So yeah, it’s hard. But it will never be so hard that it is literally impossible and you’re shit out of luck.
You have to let yourself actually feel better. This sounds obvious but because the mind is so insistent on holding onto negative feelings about situations it doesn’t like, it won’t let you. You aren’t ‘allowed’ to feel better about it. This is a ‘bad’ thing happening and you have no choice but to feel badly about it. Check in to see if you have given yourself permission to feel better.
Your Mind’s Most Dangerous Excuse
The idea of what is happening not being responsible for how we feel sounds nice but actually embracing it, and letting it inform how you handle yourself, can be a bit of a process. That is a huge shift in thinking the mind will not be interested in making.
Lots of beneficial changes we need to make in our life are hard–if they weren’t we would have made them long ago instead of torturing ourselves needlessly with self-sabotaging behavior and the like.
Lots of internal shifts we need to make are challenging. We have to deal with feelings we would rather not deal with.
We have to admit various truths about ourselves, and our lives, we would rather not. We have to take ownership, and responsibility, for our choices and feelings–our blame-loving mind fights that big time.
We have to cop to the role we may have played in certain negative experiences — realizing we weren’t total innocent victims can be a hard pill to swallow. There are all sorts of unhelpful narratives we have been carrying around about our life experiences, and other people, that are none too helpful. Changing that story can be an uncomfortable exercise.
So yeah, lots of this stuff is hard. Inherently it isn’t hard but with all our ego/mind shit, it isn’t easy. And herein lies your mind’s most dangerous excuse–something being too hard is a valid reason not to do it, to give up. It’s a reason for sure, one that we have every right to use. But the consequence is things staying the same, us staying the same, and if we are unhappy now, that is a sucky choice to make. If you accept it will be hard, that actually makes it a lot less harder, trust me.
What’s the Story?
So, if it’s not the situation itself that is the real cause of the pain but how we are responding to it, how we are looking at it, we have to dive into all that. Fun, fun fun!
Our feelings don’t just come out of nowhere. Like I mentioned earlier, these really negative responses we can’t seem to shake aren’t the required way to respond. They aren’t the only possible way we could feel about all this, as good as your mind is convincing you otherwise.
So, what is the narrative? What is the meaning being assigned to the experience? What beliefs are making you feel so crappy?
Great example: Your relationship ended. A lot of the pain about your breakup may be coming from your mind concluding there must be something wrong with you or he wouldn’t have left. He cheated and that left you feeling inadequate in some way.
You are older now and you fear that you’ll never find someone else and you’ll end up all alone. You gave this person the ‘best years’ of your life and now it’s too late to start over or really do any of the things you want.
You feel like your life is turned upside down and you are scared, angry and bitter, and you blame this person for all your feelings, which just makes them more intense.
Getting divorced feels like some sort of failure and you feel great shame about it.
Now imagine if you weren’t telling yourself any of these sorts of crappy-feeling stories. You were with someone, it wasn’t a fit and you went your separate ways. Just the facts, no stories. It was just one of the many experiences you experience on the journey of life.
Knowing what you now know about energy, you realize no matter how much that ego/mind part of you believes something went wrong, and you should still be together, if it wasn’t right for the other person, there is no way it could have been right for you either. So you will no longer torture yourself with resisting ‘what is’ thinking it should be some other way, that there was some sort of mistake.
You see how you may have contributed to some of the problems in your relationship and it wasn’t totally the other person’s fault. The bitterness and anger may begin to fade.
Someone not wanting to be in a relationship with another person anymore doesn’t make them an asshole. Again, bitterness and anger begin to fade.
You know that so long as you have a desire to meet someone, it is totally possible, and you won’t end up alone unless that is what you actually wanted. So the intense fear of never meeting anyone good again that keeps you up at night starts to dissipate.
You see the value of your pain. You look at the experience from a more neutral standpoint and note the energetic feedback of the experience, and use that to make all sorts of shifts that will make your life so much better and make you so much happier. You know this will set the stage for manifesting a great relationship with someone who is a much better fit.
So if the true cause of our bad feelings are the stories, the meanings, the beliefs, and not what actually happened itself, the idea of it being ‘too hard’ to feel better really doesn’t hold water. You can change all of those things. You have been exposed to all these different perspectives that feel a hell of a lot better, that make dealing with these experiences so much easier. You get to decide to think those things instead.
You get to believe whatever you want, truly. It really is that simple. It just isn’t always easy and this choosing of our belief system, this rewriting of the story, usually isn’t a one-time deal. It is something we have to do over and over again to really make it stick because your mind will really try to stick to the current narrative, you will constantly be faced with experiences that challenge the new one and cast doubt on it.
Of course, this doesn’t mean being delusional–like choosing to believe your ex still wants to be with you even though he never takes your calls, blocked you on all forms of social media and says he never wants to see you again.
The trick with all this is however, is trusting the positive emotional reaction you have to these alternative perspectives and beliefs is an indicator of their truth, that the feelings are some sort of guidance system helping us evaluate what is true and not true. That really is the first step in all of this. You trust this feeling ,and you consciously choose to embrace these ideas, even if you don’t have ‘proof,’ even if they don’t make logical sense, even if appearances seem totally contrary.
The crux of transformation, emotional healing, energetic shifts, of all this work, is conscious choice. Do you choose to keep believing things that feel badly or make you feel better? Do you insist on sticking to the story that feels terrible or embracing one that feels better? Do you choose to keep listening to your mind, whose conclusions and beliefs will make you miserable or break away, knowing it has no idea what is really going on, knowing your happiness and well-being mean nothing to it?
Now while I can’t know the person’s main motivation for wanting to feel better, I strongly suspect it is at least partly due to wanting to effect some sort of outside change. We want to ‘raise our vibe’ so our unwanted circumstances change-the money comes in, we meet someone new, we get the physical healing, we find a new job. We are told if we feel good, good things will come.
Improving our emotional state isn’t the goal, the end, it is a tool we employ to get what we want, it is a means to an end. It’s okay we want what we want but when we take this approach,we are going to struggle. It is really hard to feel genuinely better when feeling better isn’t the actual aim.
Learning what we have learned about energy and conscious creation, we know that we have to start feeling better in the moment, that we can’t wait for things to change before we change our tune emotionally. Like attracts like and we need to get that positive energy flowing so we can attract positive things.
And when this is our motivation, we may be putting a lot of pressure on ourselves to make really big leaps in our emotional state. We may be feeling very depressed or anxious or sad, and we are trying to leap right to super-happy.
We are trying to become some sort of spiritual master that remains calm ,cool, collected and totally at peace, even if our life seems to be falling apart around us. We want to perfect the ability of completely looking past our current situation, and have no shred of doubt things will get better. We embrace the current challenge with ease, even enthusiasm, seeing it as this amazing opportunity for growth.
This isn’t to say you can’t experience these states pretty frequently–you certainly can. But you just may not feel that way all the time. Sounds obvious but there is a part of us hoping for just that, and when we ‘fail’ we beat ourselves up and feel even worse.
We have a huge amount of resistance to our negative feelings, and we want to obliterate them as quickly as possible. This resistance only serves to make them stronger though, and they feel like an even more formidable foe. This is a main contributing factor to it feeling ‘too hard’ to feel better.
Feeling ‘better’ may not necessarily translate to feeling ‘good.’ It may feel a bit more like ‘neutral.’ You may still be experiencing a range of emotions, but when you become more accepting of the feelings, they feel a bit more ‘muted’ because the lack of resistance really brings down the emotional intensity at least a few notches. You recognize you are going through a hard time, and that acceptance gives you a sense of peace.
You are in the process of embracing the new beliefs and the new narratives, and the corresponding shifts in how you feel may not be dominant yet. You still have to feel some of the feelings borne of these old beliefs and stories. The willingness to reject them, and embrace new ones, often creates some initial emotional relief but that may not be enough to root it out at deeper levels, especially if you’ve been repressing it a long time.
You may have to wade through some pretty intense emotions and you may feel really crappy at times, but somewhere in the background, you feel a sense of hope, you feel a sense of peace, you know everything will be okay. You become more accepting of not knowing how it is all going to unfold and take things one step at a time.
Remember again, if what happened isn’t the real cause of why we feel badly, this idea of our circumstances determining whether we get to be a happy, or unhappy person, just can’t be. It will only ever be ‘too hard’ to feel better if we believe the opposite.
What did you think of the post? Anything resonate in particular? How do you deal with emotionally challenging times?
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