I had issues with depression and anxiety and while I certainly made a lot of headway dealing with them, I was still struggling a lot at some points. Even in more recent times, they sometimes surface.
I had so many awesome things going on, I was living my life in accordance with my deepest held values. I was living my dream of traveling the world and working for myself.
Don’t get me wrong. I appreciated my life very much and was overall happy. But that deeper sense of happiness, peace, well-being we crave–that was certainly missing. No outside circumstance, no matter how amazing, will actually provide that to us in any real, consistent, lasting way.
One of the experiences that really drove home the point our outside circumstances have nothing to do with our feelings, how they can’t ‘fix’ all that stuff inside, is when my freelance writing job I had become so dependent on virtually disappeared overnight.
The company underwent some major changes and I had no back up plan. I had no other clients. Ryan had just started his online ventures and he wasn’t really making any money.
We were in Thailand at the time and were pretty broke. Living off credit cards literally. Our minimal savings were used to keep current on the payments so they wouldn’t get cut off. I was using cash advances to pay rent. Luckily the cost of living was low.
It was a huge manifestation that triggered lots of deep stuff.
It gave me an opportunity to work on some really deep money issues, embrace some really deep fears. And a few months later, I manifested three lucrative writing jobs in the same week–working part time I was making more money than I ever had.
But guess what? While I certainly had some surface level relief that came from not having to worry about paying bills and being able to pay off the credit card debt , I didn’t really feel any better about money.
I still worried about it and thought about it constantly. In a way the manifestation made me feel worse since I now worried about losing all this money I was making.
The manifestation did nothing to create that deeper sense of safety and security we crave, that we think money especially, will give us.
This was a profound realization for me and while I didn’t act on it immediately, while its emotional impact didn’t hit me on the deepest levels right away, it always stuck with me, it was always in my mind somewhere.
Over time, I started realizing more and more the manifestations weren’t the answer. I wanted to get out of that trap of doing all this inner work strictly to get something on the outside. I was sick of always feeling like I could never just enjoy the moment, enjoy what I already received.
I was bored of just focusing on those surface level changes in my energy that could surely change my circumstances, but not actually make any real difference in how I felt. Trying to put all this focus on simply getting stuff when I now knew–like really knew–it wasn’t the answer didn’t seem like a very good use of my time.
I got sick of trying to just manifest ‘stuff’ and wanted to manifest what I really wanted–emotional healing, well-being, peace, a stronger connection with source. And wouldn’t you know it? All the stuff came anyway. It had no choice to show up because I was changing my energy in profound ways and my outside circumstances naturally mirrored that energy back to me.
And realizing the stuff came anyway was significant because I saw there was this part of me that still cared about all of that, that probably wasn’t going to become 100 percent detached, that was still invested in this world and would always believe these things mattered for our happiness.
I am here having this physical experience and with that naturally comes a variety of desires, a compulsion to channel our energy out into the world in different ways.
So I realized I wanted to find a way to make sure I was focusing on what truly mattered and what I truly wanted, while still contending with that reality, a reality that is true for pretty much everyone except those who totally withdraw from worldly living, who are doing this work for the pure sake of the growth and not to get a boyfriend, a better job or more money.
I wanted to make that journey, all that we ‘do’ to achieve certain goals more joyful and less painful.
And while dealing with our emotional shit isn’t fun, it’s worth it. When you clean up that energy, you manifest things more easily. You get more satisfaction from what you receive.
And the truth is, for many of us, this deeper work is necessary for the process–there is just too much stuff there, and the surface level changes will be insufficient.
My focus on emotional exploration and healing was also informed by certain manifestations that were a reflection of some very deep negative energies, that if not dealt with, would not allow me to rectify these situations.
I had more money problems show up after that first experience. I manifested a very scary health problem. I had a period where I gained a lot of weight. These problems could not be solved with some ‘positive’ thinking. I had to deal with my shit.
And the impact that had on my overall energy was profound. When we don’t have that static, that interference of these deeper negative energies, we can see truth more clearly, we can more easily see things, and ourselves, as they truly are. In this space, conscious creation truly becomes effortless. In this space our energy is clean, clear and wide open.
This is the space I hope to help people move into through my content and my coaching. I essentially want to help you manifest what you want most–peace, well-being and a stronger connection with source–knowing the human wants are taken care of and no need to obsess about it the way we tend to.