Taking Charge of Our Happiness: Making Peace with Our Past and Moving Forward

To say our past can really put a noose around our present is an understatement if there ever was one. We resent our parents for screwing us up in some way. Humiliations haunt us, and feel as fresh as the day they just happened whenever we think about them.

We think of all our past failures, and determine the same fate awaits us in any future endeavor—this either leads to self-sabotage or not even trying at all. Someone, or a whole lot of someone’s, told us a bunch of stuff that simply wasn’t true about us, and it totally clouds our vision of what is possible for us in present day.

We think of the ‘mistakes’ we made and constantly wish we would have done things differently. Regrets gnaw away at us. As much as we want to shake it all off, and just get on with it, we can’t seem to make our way fully out of the muck.

If you feel your past is holding you back in some way, take solace in the fact you aren’t alone. I imagine most people struggle with this to some degree. We are only human after all. But, no matter how much you may be struggling, and how much you believe that you can’t get unstuck, you can. It is never a hopeless situation. It is never impossible to heal and move forward. Simply making an intention to succeed with this is very powerful, and can get energy moving in the right direction.  So, onto the meat of the matter…enjoy!

Moving Past ‘Mistakes’ and Regrets

The way I see things, there really are no ‘mistakes.’ Based on our belief system, situation at the time, and what have you, we took the best course of action that we could see based on our own personal filter-sure, that filter may have been crappy in various ways, but it is what it is, and we can work on changing it now.

Every event in our life shapes where we are in the present moment, and I think everything unfolds as it should. We are always moving forward towards what we want if we choose to view things with that perspective, and I highly recommend doing so!

Whatever transpired in the past served us in some way, whether it taught us a specific lesson, helped us get to know ourselves better, or clarified what type of life we want to have or the type of person we would like to be.

So, if you are beating yourself up over ‘mistakes’ you made in the past, and wishing you would have done things differently, perhaps this perspective can ease some of that. It is really easy to imagine all the different ways our life would have been better if we hadn’t messed up that particular situation, or if we had made a different choice.

Now, if you are having a tough time getting on board with this line of thinking, and you are feeling particularly regretful about the road not taken, here are a few other points to keep in mind. Again, it is very easy to imagine all the great things that might have happened had we done something differently.

When comparing a fantasy in which we can orchestrate every detail, to our actual experience, of course we would think things would have gone better! We have this highlight reel of a life that never existed and we are measuring it up against all the crappy stuff that has actually happened to us. In that moment, we are not giving a thought to the myriad challenges that would have inevitably popped up with that given path, the fact that many of the things we don’t like now would have likely happened anyway, and all the good stuff that also happened over time.

Here’s the thing though….you have absolutely no idea what your life would have been like had you went another way. Sure, there may be certain elements that you know for sure would have been different—if you stuck it out in medical school, rather than follow your dream of becoming an artist, perhaps you would have had more money than you do now, for example. But, then again, maybe not. It is possible you would have lost all your money in an investment scheme.

It is easy to look at your ex’s seemingly great life on Facebook, and imagine all the ways your life would have been better if you ended up with that person. Damn..why did you ever break up with him? But, had you stayed together, that would have put his path on a completely different trajectory, and his career and other elements of his life that seem so appealing to you may not have ever come into existence.

So, the next time you find yourself lamenting a mistake, think about how it has served you. What can you learn from it that can help you moving forward? Chances are, it is something very important that you would not have learned otherwise, and that is a key component of creating whatever it is you believe would make you happier in this moment. The next time you start regretting the path not taken, remember that you have no idea what it would have actually looked like, and that you have not run out of chances to be happy or make things better.

You Don’t Need to Justify Why You Feel the Way You Do, Just Work on Shifting It

When it comes to justifying why we are unhappy, we have absolutely no trouble doing that. We look at what has happened in the past, and we can rattle off dozens of reasons why we feel the way we feel now, why we have made the crappy decisions we have made and why we are very deserving of all these feelings.

Here’s the thing. There is certainly value in examining the past, and exploring how that contributes to how we feel now, and how our life has turned out up until this point. You are entitled to feel however you feel. It is understandable how these situations contributed to your current state of affairs.

So, yes, you are entitled to feel like crap. It wasn’t fair you had crappy parents. It sucks your husband cheated on you and left you for another woman. Those people that teased you in high school were total douches, and it was unfortunate you were one of their targets, on which they took out their own frustrations and insecurities.

But, if you really want to move forward, you want to move away from these justifications, and just focus on the feelings themselves, and what you can do moving forward, to shift them. By always going back to the justifications, we keep perpetuating a story that is making us miserable, a story that we really don’t want to be telling ourselves anymore. Always going back to the justifications keeps us stuck in the past. When we just focus on the feelings, and not what caused them, it is so much easier to make positive change, and move on.

Now, being human, and just really diving into all of this for the first time, will you totally be able to let go of justifying why you feel the way you feel now? Unlikely, and that is okay. You’re not going to all of a sudden let go of this story, or stop thinking completely about what triggered all of this. So, be compassionate with yourself here. If you feel in certain moments there is value in really thinking about what has transpired in the past, go for it. No one knows your internal world and feelings better than you, and you will have a sense when this is useful and when you should really shift your focus to the feelings themselves.

Realize Life is a Reflection of Our Internal World—That Changes, EVERYTHING Changes

Change your thoughts, and you change your world. Our life is a product of our thoughts. There are no shortage of sayings that espouse the idea our life experience is a reflection of our internal world, of our predominant thoughts, feelings and beliefs. Now, for people who are inclined to blame outside circumstances for their life experience, these types of sentiments do not sit well. For people who are really ready for change, they are incredibly empowering.

How great is it to know that you have total control over your life experience, and that by making inner shifts, your outside world will change? How freeing is it to think that our past has absolutely no bearing on the future? Isn’t it a relief to know your past experience was a result of a faulty self-image, and crappy beliefs, and that if you work on changing them, your experience moving forward has absolutely no choice but to change as well?

When you realize you create your experience from the inside out, and your current predicaments are a result of a bunch of crappy beliefs that simply aren’t true, you see very clearly everything that has happened to you is not ‘proof’ of them. You see the beliefs came first, and the experiences were borne of them. Your truth is open to debate.

You can start believing something different—yes, that is really all you need to do. The process of adopting these new beliefs can take some time as you work through the old ones, but that is really all it takes. We just have to start making different decisions, and one of these decisions is to no longer believe things that are making you unhappy and don’t serve you.

You can decide you can have what you want. You can decide you do deserve to be happy. You can decide anyone in your life who told you that you weren’t good enough, didn’t deserve good things, a certain life wasn’t possible for you based on the circumstances into which you were born, or any thing else that has made you feel badly about yourself, didn’t know what the f$ck they were talking about.

Whatever Happened, Happened, but It Doesn’t Have to Rule You

Being a happy person is not about being happy every second. It is not just reserved for people who have never experienced anything negative in their life, and for whom everything has come very easily. Having bad experiences in the past does not mean your life is forever tainted, and you can never be truly joyful or have a great life.

It is easy to look at the bad things that have happened to us, and see them as a black mark on our lives, a cloud that will always be hovering. But, here’s the thing. Keeping our past from getting in the way of our life now is not about totally getting over it, and never feeling sad, angry or whatever. It is not an all or nothing proposition, where we either totally let it affect every aspect of our life, or proceed as if it never happened, and totally rid ourselves of the memories and feelings.

Our good and bad experiences, and our good and bad feelings, can all co-exist together. I am willing to bet that even the most successful, happy, wise people have some sort of baggage from their past, whether it is a broken heart, abusive childhood, being severely bullied, losing a parent young, being the victim of a crime, a bruised self-image from being teased about some aspect of her physical appearance..the list could go on and on and on. In fact, the people who seem to be the wisest or have done the most impressive things, usually experienced quite a bit of turmoil, and it served as a catalyst. When life is a bit too comfortable, that drive to really change and rise above is usually not as strong.

We easily fall into the trap of thinking other people were able to do what they did because they didn’t experience these same struggles. And sure, maybe they didn’t go through those same exact incidents, but I assure you they had their own demons.

Painful events are certainly part of our story, and they were a major influence in our lives, but this influence doesn’t have to be detrimental. They don’t have to be the WHOLE story of our lives.

In Conclusion…

This certainly isn’t the end-all-be-all guide to moving past your past, but it covers a few core issues that I think can really help you get the ball rolling. The ‘big’ us that is all-knowing and wise sees the value in all that has happened to us, good and bad. The ‘little’ us, the human us, bless our hearts, usually can’t; we want to avoid unpleasantness at all costs, and when it does strike in its various forms, we can really get a death grip on the myriad ways these experiences have affected us negatively.

In many ways, these situations and the resulting pain become a strong part of our identity, and as much as we may want to let it go, there may be a part that is reluctant because we may not know who we are without these stories, and the pain they cause us. Hiding behind our past may have given us just the excuse we needed to avoid doing things that we feared, as much as they would have provided us benefit.

Shedding our past can feel a bit scary, but as you begin to chip away at it, and get more comfortable with the version of yourself free of these anchors, you will find it much easier. You will see its grasp on you weakening. The pain may not go away completely, but it will be duller. The memories may last, but they are fuzzier. They become a smaller part of you as you fill yourself up with better beliefs and experiences.

Your Turn…

I hoped you enjoyed this post and extracted some helpful nuggets for your own journey. Please let me know your thoughts in the comments. What part resonated with you the most? Did you have any insights into your own experience while reading this, and what was it? What tips would you give others that have helped you in moving on from your past? Looking forward to your comments so we can chat.