Fortunately, for many of us, we are not pelted with one horrific tragedy after another, day in and day out. In the grand scheme of things, the issues plaguing us on a daily basis are relatively small. But, when we have lots of ‘little’ things assaulting us day after day, big problems can result .
If we tune into our thoughts and emotions in our waking hours, we may find a lot of the time we are not feeling so hot, and the raging river of thoughts coursing through our minds is full of ick.
For this reason, it would behoove us to find effective strategies for coping with these myriad stressors in a more effective manner. The difference it can make can be life-changing.
We all have our own unique blend of stressors, and what they trigger within us; we all have our habits and behaviors that tend to kick things up a notch problem-wise.
One of my biggest problems personally is getting annoyed and agitated way too easily by little things, leading me to say things like ‘I’m so mad I could kick a baby.’ No, I would never actually harm a child, so relax.
When Ryan tries to talk me off the’ ledge,’his calm, cool collected demeanor makes me want to punch him right in the face, and no I have never done that either. Hmm..I may have some violence issues that I have been repressing. 🙂 I roll my eyes so much ,and so intensely, I’m surprised my eyeballs haven’t detached and fallen right out of my head.
So, yeah, I have my stuff too, and I have done a lot of work over the years to curb it, and I have made some pretty good progress. I accept I will never be perfect—the best we can shoot for is better.
Don’t let your stress consume you. Don’t take pride in high stress levels, and being able to take infinite amounts of crap—it’s not something of which to be proud. Being unhappy isn’t ‘cool.’
Regardless of the particular ingredients in your ‘stress stew,’ I feel there are some core strategies that can help across the board, and I would like to share a few of them with you today.
Respond, Don’t React
When we can learn to respond, and not react automatically, to the different events that get our stress-meter rising, how we move through our day can change dramatically. This is a tough one because after years and years of handling situations in a certain way, we react largely out of habit.
Certain behaviors and emotions have been deeply embedded, and are activated almost instantaneously when we are faced with some sort of unpleasant situation, whether it is your mother’s daily dose of judgment and criticism of your life choices , the unexpected nightmare traffic jam, or an angry voicemail from a client about some issue that is your responsibility to solve.
When we simply react, we get swept away in the situation, and everything gets intensified. We suffer more than we have to. The more elegant solutions can escape us; we may say or do things we will come to regret, perhaps a mere few minutes down the line; we get all worked up about things that are really not that big a deal. Reacting makes us feel powerless, and that our well-being is in the hands of outside forces.
But, when we respond, our head is clearer; we have a healthier perspective on the issue; we come up with solutions to the problems more quickly; we don’t say and do things that will just cause us even more problems and mental distress. Responding keeps our emotions from getting the best of us.
I wish I could say there was some magic formula that could help you adopt this behavior, but there really isn’t. It is one of those things that you just have to embed into your awareness, so when issues arise, you remember this little piece of wisdom and act accordingly. Reading it in a blog post like this is one great way to keep this top-of-mind, so you’re welcome.
Actually, I take that back. There is one thing you can do that produces results that seem kind of magical, and that is meditation. So, get on that stat.
Choose Your Battles Wisely
On any given day, we are faced with numerous opportunities to choose between just letting things be, and arguing, proving we are right, and all that other lovely stuff prompted by our egos. And, day after day, we often choose the latter.
We just can’t help it, and it causes us nothing but grief. When I set out to reduce my stress, and just feel better in day to day life, this was one of the first lessons I learned, and it changed my world.
And I am not just talking about avoiding dramatic fights and ‘big’ stuff, I am talking about all the little things too that can make us feel stressed and yucky. Remember what I said earlier—all the little things can add up to big problems, and making us feel generally gross much of the day.
So, my second tip is choose your battles wisely. When you see yourself going down this path, and you know it will just result in fights, hurt feelings, pointless arguments, anger and all that other good stuff, really stop and think if it is worth it.
If you hold an opinion on a subject that you know is at complete odds with the company you are currently keeping, do you have it in you to just not say anything? Will the conversation be some fabulous discourse driven by an intelligent exchange of ideas, or just essentially an argument between people who get overly emotional defending their points of view?
If there is some aspect of your life that people close to you don’t approve of, or don’t understand, and your efforts to explain or defend yourself always seem to prove fruitless, can you learn to stop trying, and just get more comfortable with the fact that other people aren’t on board?
Do you have it in you to just let things go that you would normally make a big stink about, like insisting on talking to a manager about a rude waitress, or demanding you be able to return an item at the store when you technically aren’t allowed to?
I’m not advocating being a doormat, never complaining or expressing your opinion. I am just simply stating there are times when not doing so is the smarter move in my humble opinion. Because most of the time, doing so will not really give you any significant benefit, and just serves to make you feel worse.
Keep Some Perspective
Perspective is an amazing thing. One of the most empowering truths we can ever embrace is we have total control over how we view a situation, and how we respond to it. Another truth is this is really freaking hard sometimes.
Traveling has really helped me with this. Having been in areas where people don’t have as much money, freedom and the like has made me realize how good I have it. Whether my birth into a first world country, full of wealth and opportunity, was complete randomness, or I chose this incarnation this time around for whatever reason, I’m glad I am who I am.
Do I always choose the amazing perspective that keeps me cool, calm and stress-free? Definitely not. But, I am getting better at realizing in the moment how ridiculous I am being sometimes– like when I get all bent out of shape the overnight bus I booked that was billed as ‘luxury’ doesn’t even provide a blanket and snacks. I know….the horror.
Naturally, we have a preference for good and happy situations, and an aversion to unpleasant stuff. Unless you are the most spiritually advanced person, you will probably never achieve complete equanimity. You are a human with a splendid range of emotions.
But, we can learn look at the myriad issues that stress us out on a day-to-day basis in a different way. We can realize we have a choice how to look at it, and this will determine how we feel about it, and we can look at things in a way that make us feel better.
So, when you find yourself getting stressed about something, step back and do a bit of evaluation. What is really going on here? How much are you really being put out by the particular situation? Is the reaction you are having proportionate to the issue at hand?
Can you see this in a different light, in a way that makes you feel less stressed, angry, frustrated or whatever? Could the situation be worse? The answer to this last question is most likely a big, fat yes.
When the idea of perspective seeps deeper into your awareness, you begin to realize how much power we have over our feelings and behavior. We realize our well-being and happiness is not determined by what is happening around us, but rather within.
Till next time….
Hi KC,
You mean, you’ve been angry at me? Over like, the past 7 years? Haven’t noticed it.
Awesome, epic post. We all have our issues with stress – me included as you know – but learning to laugh, smile, meditate, and of course, building your life around your dead on tips makes all the difference in the world.
The issue with life is not what happens but if we choose to respond or react to what happens. Reacting may seem normal but it’s not natural. For a minute or 2, you can fuss, but beyond that, learn to simply let go. Let go the need to be right, to fight, or to do any of that stuff, and you instantly.
Well said KC, thanks so much for the powerful share.
Tweeting in a few.
Ryan
🙂 What you say about letting go of all that stuff is right on…not always easy but with practice, it becomes more second nature. And times when we can’t let go immediately, we get over the issue much more quickly, going back to being happy and shiny.
Wow what a post. Short but powerful! I will tell you this post is now burned onto
my frontal lobes Kelli! This post is just what I needed! My Louise will tell you
that I too have anger issues and I can fly off the handle at times.
I think the triggers are usually something very mundane and I always regret
those arguments I start. I always find that making up and apologizing is a
humbling experience! And I find that I am generally happier after anyway!
Arguments are pointless. I love what you say about responding and not reacting.
One of my anger triggers is my father Graham as I am protective of him since
losing my mother 3.5 years ago but the way my Dad is now is not becoming of
his age (Basically he is acting like an 18y/o youth again, drinking and smoking
and going out to clubs and pubs till 3am) and Of course Louise is very critical
of his behavior which triggers me off!
I too am critical of his behavior though! I remember my dad turning up at the pub
last week when we was with a group of friends socializing and my dad turned
up all scruffy and smelly asking everyone for a ciggy, I could of died! Later
he texted me saying that my friends are complete A******* and that I should not
could them my friends! I just replied with “Their my Friends”
I am learning to accept though that I cannot change him and that I should
be happy for him as he is happy with his lifestyle choices. I am reminded of the
saying about old dog and new tricks! I suppose I just need to accept the status
quo.
I love what you say about people close to us who don’t approve of our life choices.
I am reminded of Lou’s aunty Sue who keeps saying that she is always right and I
am always wrong over silly little things! I just let them be now and not get dragged
into discussions over these little trivial matters! I am happy in my knowledge of
my opinion.
Perspective Is a great thing hey! I too am happy to be who I am as well! This is
what makes us all unique. Everyone has different views on what Luxury is hey!
I suppose I would react (well respond) the same as you on the ‘Luxury Bus’ as I
too having grown accustom to life in a first world country. Last night we had
a power cut for over an hour! Our entire area went down! At the time I was writing
a blog post and was 1500 words in! The thing was I had my lappy plugged in and the
battery was not (I do this to save my batters so not to overcharge it). Naturally
I lost the lot, but it’s what I thought after that surprised me!
Losing 1500 words like that I could of made a big deal out of it and got stressed
and angry! Instead and something I have learned off Ryan is that I Owned it and said
Oh Well! cannot be helped, I then went out the front door and joined my neighbors
for a bottle of bud on the lawned square in front of my house for a barmy early
evening in the sun.
Great post as usually Kelli the words you have said here have really helped me
and I will forever be mindful of my emotions and reactions!
Thank you!
– Phillip
Hey Phill
I’m so glad you liked the post, and thanks for sharing your experiences with me. I imagine the situation with your father can be tricky–we have a lot of emotional ‘stuff’ around our parents, and it can be hard to sit by and watch them do things we think are not good. I think your reaction to Louise’s criticism is a normal reaction–it is okay if WE take issue with our family, but when someone else does it, NOT okay :). It is good you have learned to pull back from arguments that you know will only leave you flustered and angry–that takes a lot and can be really hard to do sometimes, but I always find the benefit outweighs that discomfort. Perspective is a great thing…sometimes we have a hard time focusing in on the one that would best serve us, but we are only human after all. I am getting better at this, and it can really be life-changing. Really loved learning more about you in this post, and your ‘take’ on things!
Ah Cool, Yep I sure do hold nothing back at times! Generally I am a private person so it does take a lot for me to open up at times especially in the internet!
Perspective is a wonderful thing is it not! Like you say above Responding is always better than reacting!
Quick question though for you Kelli! Whats with the Calgon reference?
Was going to ask it in my main comment but must of slipped my mind!
Many thanks!
– Have a great Friday anyway!
– PD
Hey Phill
Calgon made some sort of bubble bath and the commercials were about getting away from life stress,etc… and they always said ‘Calgon, take me away.’ It was a pretty popular catchphrase back when it was out.
Ah ok! Calgon here is a dishwasher tablet!
🙂 Any British people reading this are probably like…what does dishwashing detergent have to do with managing stress?
Hi Kelli
What an amazing person you are with an amazing lifestyle and I want the same.
Let me introduce myself – I am Dominic McKevitt from Ireland and I am an aspiring best selling novelist and screen writer. I believe this will happen and I am actively working to put things is place to manifest it.
I have conversed with you before through the Deliberate Receiving blog with Melody Fletcher and you have always impressed me because of your honest candid approach. (I get is hard to believe that you would kick a baby, or punch Ryan in the face LOL)
I have drifted through life and as I say blundered through my time here to this moment in time so I have put in almost 60 years on this planet. I was always a deep thinker and different from my peers so much so that I thought I was adopted LOL. Being always interested in the paranormal, philosophy, history, and the way we humans operate on the different plains, I have never met anyone with the same interest as me, that is until now. So connecting with persons like You Kelli, Melody and others is just fantastic for me and my mind. You are all great inspiration to me and moving along the narrow path, my path, and how I wish I had connected with like minded years ago.
I am super impressed by you and your lifestyle and it is my ambition to travel to many exotic places with my body still can function LOL. You and Ryan look a perfect couple despite that your eyeballs may detach and fall out; you still look great together. Now being totally hetero’ I think that you look absolutely gorgeous, sorry Ryan LOL! I want to find a partner like you with the same mindset as me and looks great on the eye to me also! You both are a total inspiration to me and I get you. I have been to Thailand, Florida, Hawaii among the exotic places I have visited and I would like to live in Thailand near Krabi, Phi Phi Island, well somewhere in that vicinity and use it as my base for travelling and I believe it will become a reality.
However, there seems to be some hidden blocks, barriers, fears that is stopping me manifesting this into reality, so with your and other inspirations I can achieve this dream. I feel I am doing everything right ie visualising, believing, trying to attune my vibrations to this reality(this is where I may be going wrong because I am not sure how to do this), being happy, and being grateful for my abundance. But I remain here waiting and I am not concerned with the how as long as it manifests.
Kelli, I hope that you see this and I would really appreciate an advice that you can offer.
Kindest regards
Dominic
Hi Dominic
Reading this comment really made me smile. If you are reading Melody’s blog, then I have no doubt you will succeed in whatever it is you want because she is absolutely amazing at explaining LOA-she has probably been the most powerful influence in my own life. It is certainly easy to feel alone when holding those interests, but as you can see, there are lots of other people out there, it is just a matter of connecting them. When you were properly aligned, you found a blog like Deliberate Receiving. It’s important to keep connected with like-minded people who can help cement your preferred way of thinking and belief systems, as opposed to the ones that we grew up with.
Thanks for your compliments on my appearance…something that is always nice to hear 🙂
I am so glad our life inspires you, and I know you can get the same–before we started doing this, we were just chugging along, not really doing anything special, and a combination of a shift in mindset and deliberate decisions changed all that. Thailand is one of our favorite destinations–I have never been to Phi Phi but was in Koh Lanta which is also in Krabi, and we absolutely loved it.
It sounds to me like you are on the right path, and any blocks you have will begin to dissolve–I think we all have some to some degree. It can take a bit to completely reprogram ourselves after holding certain beliefs for decades. The fact that you said you are patient puts you way ahead of a lot of people because that impatience can really screw with our energy. The patience shows your faith in the process, and a knowing in the truth of things. Just keep feeding your mind information that reinforces these truths and makes you feel good, because feeling good is really what it is all about. Please keep me posted on your journey–sounds like you have a lot of exciting stuff coming to you!
Hi Kelli
What a wonderful pleasant surprise to open your blog and see your reply. I was wondering if you indeed saw my post but I did not panic and let the universe run its course LOL. Seriously though I sort of let this happen as I know I cannot force anything and this goes for my writing work also because the right person at the right time will pick up my work and then a cascade of events will escalate bringing me the implements (money) I need to live my dream. However, I am not concerned as to how it come but I am sure it is on the way – the train has already left the station whoopee!
Now, getting back to your reply, I noticed that I have succeeded in my quest of making people smile as I have you and this is very positive for me.
I do feel sometimes like the proverbial ‘Lighthouse’ out on my own when it come to like minded people and I have needed to distance from negative people whom I love but are holding me back as such and hurting my feelings. I do realise I had to experience this behaviour from persons close to me in my circle to move on and the old cliché comes into play here ‘when one door closes another one opens’ !
I agree that Melody is FAB and I have learned so much BUT I have experienced the same sentiments as you with your Ryan LOL ‘Now I would never smack anyone in the face let alone a woman’ just because she seems always to be a ‘Happy Shiny Puppy’ However, I feel more contented with you maybe because you seems more real, candid about your inner feelings as in ‘baby bashing’ a scenario that will never happen.
Yes Kelli, you do have stunning looks to my eyes and you remind me of a college lecturer I had, of course much younger than I (I think that everyone is younger than me LOL) but she was on her own journey that certainly didn’t go alone with mine although our paths did cross.
Unlike my former lecturer your path does inspire me (good teachers teach great teachers inspire) Gee I am full of clichés today other would perhaps say I am full of s–t LOL However your n Ryan’s journey really does inspire me causing my aspirations to soar with great intensity and for this I thank you sincerely from my heart n soul. It is fantastic for me to connect with persons that have waded through this pre-programmed illusion of blocks, barriers, and negativity and stand on the top. I know that it may not be ‘perfect’ but at least your are there in reality. I feel that I am there also in my heart, in my soul, and in my mind, but I have to get my body to catch up.
They say that Thailand is ‘The Land of Smiles’ so why wouldn’t I belong there as there is always a smile in my soul even when my face doesn’t feel like one?!
It have been an absolute pleasure Kelli – not forgetting Your Ryan and I wish you many years of graceful happiness where peace n joy reigns
Dominic
Hi Dominic
I was happy to reply..you left a great comment and it was so interesting to learn more about you , your goals and your outlook. You seem to have a firm grasp of the detachment and knowing things will work out—that can be one of the harder things to grasp when it comes to LOA type stuff.
I know what you mean about the challenges of dealing with people in your life who are more negative, unsupportive,etc…The closer they are, the harder it can be to separate from it, physically and mentally.
I am glad you resonate with my style, and I do make an effort to be honest with my own limitations, shortcomings,etc… because I think that it is important to see that being better and happier doesn’t require reaching some state of perfection—there may be people out there who have managed this, but I’m certainly not one of them. I think showing that side of me can inspire people more to think they can do it too.
It means so much to me to hear that my story inspires people..that is why I started the blog. I want people to know whatever it is they want is possible to have, whether something big or small.
I look forward to connecting with you more and hearing about your journey.