This is not a post about judging people who don’t seem to be making any noticeable ‘effort’ to improve their life, or who aren’t as ‘advanced’ spiritually or what have you. Everyone has their own path.
Some people may be fine just the way they are, and who are we to say there is anything ‘wrong’ with how they are living their life?
While it is true a lot of people lament the state of their life, and that they aren’t happy, the fact is, most aren’t going to do anything about it for one of a million reasons, from laziness to limiting beliefs that make them think what they want isn’t possible, so why bother trying?
If you are someone who is more growth-oriented, it will become more and more obvious as time goes on, that lots of people simply aren’t.
The average person is going to have zero interest in having a conversation about anything related to personal development. The idea of trying to be a happier person or realize your full potential will be seen as ‘corny’ or naive by many.
After all, the world is a cruel, harsh, unfair place, and anyone who believes otherwise is just a sucker. This pessimistic view is a defense mechanism that protects people against things like disappointment and failure.
Most of us have been taught not to expect much out of life, and we settle for a hell of a lot less than we are capable of having. We believe since we aren’t totally miserable, we should just suck it up and make the best of it.
So, when you mix all of this together, a lot of people on any sort of journey of change will probably experience all sorts of discomfort as it relates to other people in their lives.
When you are changing and everyone around you is staying pretty much who they always have been, it might not always go smoothly.
You will experience some internal muck, like fear of growing apart from people; then there are those super-fun times of people criticizing, questioning, mocking and being unsupportive, which triggers all sorts of even more fun stuff, like fear and doubt.
If you are feeling a bit out of sorts with people in your life, and out of place,because of the choices you have made, and the path you have laid out for yourself, you are certainly not alone.
There are so many angles to this issue, but I want to discuss a few points in depth that I think will be particularly helpful in dealing with this problem. A problem that can really create quite the emotional impact, and throw us for a loop, a problem that can really stunt our progress if we don’t find ways to cope with what is being stirred up.
We’re Here to Grow and Evolve..Don’t Fight It
In my humble opinion, our sole purpose on this earth is to experience life from our unique perspective. We are just helping the Universe expand and experience itself. We are here to learn, explore, and create.
Growth and evolution is part and parcel of that process. We are supposed to grow and change over time—many people fight this and is a huge source of discontent and frustration.
We learn from experiences and use that as a springboard to get clear on what we want and don’t want.
We gain insights as time goes on that give us a clearer picture of the type of person we want to be, the types of things we want to do, and what we want to have in our life.
Again, not everyone will do this to any real degree in this go round, and it’s fine. But, if you are one of the people who get this, then you can’t undo it.
You have to go with it. You have to follow your intuition, listen to your heart, explore the path to which you are being drawn, and all that other ‘hippy dippy’ stuff. 😉
I know it can be uncomfortable when people around you just don’t seem to ‘get it.’
I know it is sad to see relationships change because there is no longer as many commonalities between you.
I know it is really upsetting when people don’t seem to support you, or try to make you feel like you are ‘wrong’ in doing what you do. But, remember there is no such thing as ‘wrong’..you just have a different preference, and that is totally fine.
I know at times you will feel really frustrated and just wish you were someone who wasn’t into this whole ‘personal growth’ thing. But, you are, and once that fire gets lit, there is no extinguishing it. You can’t ‘devolve,’ back to where you were before you had all these realizations.
When you become more comfortable with the idea that we are supposed to grow and change, you won’t fight it as much. You will be more accepting of whatever following your path may bring, even if you don’t exactly feel great about it all the time.
There will be less clinging and attachment to what once was, particularly your relationships with other people.
And for anyone who is just starting out on this little journey of change, don’t get scared and think everyone in your life right now is going to turn against you, or you’re going to lose all of your friends.
That is not something that automatically happens. The degree to which people experience this type of thing varies greatly, and so many individual factors influence it.
Becoming a different person will not automatically make you completely incompatible with everyone in your current experience. But, you do have to be prepared for the possibility that significantly changing yourself could lead to changes in your interactions, and relationships with the people around you.
Don’t Convince, Judge, Try to Convert, Preach,Etc…
When we start making improvements in our own lives, we often have a tendency to examine other people and notice what they are doing ‘wrong.’ Their ‘problems’ become so glaringly obvious to us.
And from a well-meaning space, we may try to offer our two cents, and help them see the light as we have. But, here’s the thing…most people aren’t going to see it this way.
They are going to see you criticizing them, and basically saying they are doing life ‘wrong.’ There is going to be a lot of defensiveness, and most likely a few jabs at you, that are just going to make you feel badly.
For the most part, people are well aware of their issues, but the pain of staying the same has not quite surpassed the pain of changing, and it may never. We can really tolerate a high level of emotional torture, but I digress…
When you tell people things they are not ready to hear, at the very least, they will dismiss it, but most likely will get a bit bent out of shape.
If people are having a hard time understanding, criticizing and what have you, don’t make it your mission to get them on your side. If you are feeling compelled to do this, you have to turn inward because the discomfort has nothing to do with other people, it is coming from within.
You are feeling doubtful and insecure, and are trying to quell it by getting other people to agree with you. You are not certain what you want is appropriate, proper, realistic or whatever, and you are looking for others to give you permission to do what you are doing, and want what you are wanting.
This is a recipe for disaster each and every time. Sure, others validating us can feel nice, and give us a boost, but we can’t rely on it. We can’t look to others to make us feel better about ourselves. We can’t make others approval a condition of feeling good about our choices.
With that being said though, it is a good idea to surround yourself with people who will encourage you, and support you. None of us are so confident in our beliefs; very few make it through the other side without coming up against obstacles. Having people who will pick us up is important.
Some people who get really into working on themselves can become just as judgmental as ‘ regular’ folk. If we are not careful, we can start to think we are better than people operating on a ‘lower’ level of consciousness, or we have earned some type of ‘right’ to evaluate other people’s behavior because of all the wisdom we have gained, and having had success in applying it.
Wow, I’m really loving the air quotes today… plenty more to come below.
Sometimes we are going to find ourselves being a bit judgmental..it happens to the best of us. The key is keeping our mouth shut. Ultimately, it’s none of our business how other people live their life.
If we feel the need to change people to make them more to our liking, or to make things easier on ourselves, again, we have to go inward and work on our own shit.
Just do your thing, and people will take notice of the positive changes. Some people may express more of an interest in learning about what you have been doing, and your mindset. And you’ll get to share your experience.
Some people won’t, so don’t waste your breath trying to broach topics of conversation in which they have no interest, or try to ‘help’ them when they aren’t asking.
Let Yourself Feel Whatever Comes Up
There are lots of nuggets of wisdom we get in theory, but may not exactly apply with perfection in our day- to- day experience each time a relevant opportunity arises. That is sure as hell my experience!
Change is the only constant.
Don’t care what people think.
Attachment to what was, and resistance to what now is, will cause great emotional suffering.
Know all relationships don’t last forever.
How other people respond to us, has nothing to do with us, and is all about their own shit.
You have to take ownership of your feelings.
The list could go on and on.
When we start to see how the changes we are making in our life, are impacting our relationships with other people, and other aspects of our outside experience, we might not just totally roll with the punches, and stay in our happy place all the time.
Shit is going to probably come up. Let it.
Feeling more uncomfortable around people you have known all your life because you can’t seem to relate to them in the same way you once did, is normal, and it will probably feel icky. It may even feel a bit scary, or sad, to think at some point, you may not even remain in contact with certain people.
When the people we care about don’t support us, and crap all over the things that are bringing us such joy, that can really hurt. We may feel a sense of betrayal, resentment or anger.
Feeling like we don’t belong or nobody gets us can make us feel isolated and alone.
You worry you may be a subject of gossip or ridicule and that feels awful.
The idea of people talking about you behind your back, or making inaccurate assumptions, can make your blood boil.
The various issues that come up,courtesy of our dealings with our fellow humans (particularly those close to us), can be some of the most unpleasant, and difficult, to work though.
And the first step in overcoming this hurdle is acknowledging how you are really feeling about what is going on, whether it is receiving constant disapproval, or realizing you don’t want to be friends with certain people anymore.
If you just stuff your feelings down, because you know you ‘shouldn’t’ be feeling a certain way, you are going to remain stuck. Don’t judge yourself, or beat yourself up, because you should ‘know better’ than to have these lower energy emotions and thoughts. This will just shut everything down.
And in doing so, you miss out on a golden opportunity to examine your belief system, your fears and all that other fun stuff, and make significant headway in clearing out the muck.
You can’t start to feel better until you are able to admit you aren’t feeling great in the first place.
In Closing…
This whole getting happy and living authentically thing is a very, very, million times very, worthwhile pursuit, but it isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be, if we’re being honest. It sometimes involves wading through some muddy waters, emotionally speaking.
Being at odds with your family, moving away from certain individuals, not feeling like you fit in with people you have known your whole life, not being understood or supported, and the like, can bring up a lot of stuff.
But, like anything else that surfaces on this little journey of personal growth, it can be dealt with. It will suck sometimes, I won’t lie, but you’ll get through it.
Just always go back to why you are doing what you are doing. Remember the importance of honoring who you are and what you want. Don’t be fooled into thinking taking things down a notch will make things easier…it really won’t because diminishing ourselves for the benefit of others doesn’t feel good.
If you are experiencing this issue, it means you have really started to make progress, so even though it may not feel great, you should actually be quite proud of yourself for how far you have come.
As time goes on, you will be more comfortable with your journey, and the person you are becoming, and this will naturally make you more okay with the changes that will inevitably result. You won’t suffer as much through them.
Your Turn…
What did you think of this post? Can you relate to changing while everyone around you is just business as usual? Did anything I said here particularly resonate with you? Do you have any insights or tips for people who may be dealing with this issue? Can’t wait for your comments guys!
Hi Kelli,
This post came at a perfect time! I’ve gradually started to move away from people and communities that are not too supportive for my LOA work or personal development in general, or just don’t seem to “get” it. I feel a bit anxious and insecure doing this, but this post gave me a huge sense of relief. It’s all part of the process! On the other hand, I think that when I’m stable in my higher vibration, I may well be able to relate to these people without letting them to affect me. I’m just a bit vulnerable now, since I really do not have any other LOA person to support me IRL at the moment (though I can always manifest one!) but fortunately I’ve found your blog as well as many other wonderful and uplifting LOA blogs. Cheers, and wish you an enjoyable stay in Bali!
Hello
I am glad the post resonated with you. How you are feeling is certainly understandable. When we are just starting out especially, we don’t feel fully secure in the new beliefs we are trying to cultivate or being the person we are trying to be, and there can be a lot of fear, doubt and big-time insecurity. It certainly is all part of the process, and as you go on, you will get more comfortable with being uncomfortable, and mastering that skill will serve you well in the realm of personal growth, and practicing LOA in particular.
You certainly will be able to handle any discord better when your vibration is higher and stable..you will be more confident in who you are, and what you believe, and there is less doubt and uncertainty to be triggered. Also, you will make the pleasant discovery that you will attract more people who share your same outlook and belief system, and less that don’t.
Keep reading the blogs and other things that resonate with you..that will be hugely helpful for getting your mind to focus its attention in a different direction deliberately. And you will certainly begin to manifest people who can support you. Just be compassionate with yourself, and trust everything that happens is serving you. Anything ‘unwanted’ is simply vibrational feedback and can help you see where things need to be cleaned up a bit.
Hi Kelli
I really loved this post. It’s an important topic to cover. Sometimes people just fade out of your life and sometimes you have to give them a little (or big) push if it feels right. For me it was hard realising that I didn’t have to put up with people who made me feel bad, but when it clicked that I didn’t have to put up with them, it all fell into place. These different people were variously snobbish, unfriendly, rejecting, sarcastic, passive aggressive, two-faced, difficult, liars, drama-addicts or just plain old negative, but I found a way to make it about me somehow. I finally realised deep down that it wasn’t a reflection of me, but of them. And they needed to get the boot (with love of course).
But fortunately there are lots of compensations, such as feeling so much better about yourself and knowing that you are growing and getting more of what you want in life, so you don’t miss them for long.
Hey Bunny
So glad you enjoyed the post. You are so right that we sometimes have to move things along a bit as far as moving away from people with whom we are no longer a match. You bring up an interesting issue that I think a lot of people deal with–the idea that for one reason or another, we have to deal with people who make us feel badly in some way. In most cases, severing the ties involves a great deal of discomfort and we may not be ready to take that step, so we keep putting up with it.
It is so easy to take things personally and think we are the cause of behavior, especially when words and actions are directed towards us. Extracting ourselves from that way of thinking can be a challenge, but one of the most freeing things we can do.
You are so right about the rewards that come from making these decisions, which can feel really freaking uncomfortable to make. It can be sad sometimes to release on certain people, or we are afraid of seeming mean or whatever, if we sever a tie, but sometimes it really is necessary. If it can be worked through, and you can keep the person in your life without it feeling badly, great. But, sometimes we just know that really isn’t the way to go.
Hi Kelli,
I found your blog through your Husbands own. You are #1 in his fascinating bloggers to follow.
I can relate to this post. I also went through this same feeling. I started to feel like most people weren’t doing nothing on personal development, but just chilling. However, when I realized that everyone has their own filters on how they see life, based on their experiences and beliefs, I let go of trying to help people without their permission.
This gave me peace of mind. I just focus on my development and don’t talk about it as much. When me way of living changes because of it, people around me will automatically get accustomed to it and have peace their self.
“by being yourself, you give everyone else also the chance to be” something like that 🙂
thanks for sharing this.
Hi Angelo
Thanks so much for stopping by.I am lucky to have such a blogging powerhouse in my corner, and I am very appreciative of his support and telling his community about me.
You put it so perfectly in saying that everyone has their own filter, and as such, people can have very differing views on life, what is possible, etc…It is understandable to feel the urge to help people when we have made such positive changes, but for those not ready or interested, it usually won’t go over well.
You will also see as time goes on that you attract people into your life that share similar views or are open to receiving assistance, and would eagerly want to know about your experience. I do agree that being ourselves helps give others permission. Just keep shining your light, and it will rub off on others, often times without us even realizing it.
Isn’t it interesting how so many people find it “easier” to be in a state of unhappiness, dissatisfaction, complaining, and resistance? Count me out. I’ll stick to my “corny” self-development. 🙂 I like the new website design!
Hi Melanie
Thanks for your comment. You are right..it is easier, but not more pleasant that is for sure. Even if we are not liking something, if it is comfortable we are reluctant to change. So much momentum built up, switching gears, even for something that would be better, can seem really hard. That is where we get good at denying how we really feel, rationalizing,etc.. Us humans are an interesting bunch as I have always said. I’ll stick to it as well! Let people think I’m weird, naive, or whatever else..it’s worked well for me!
Thanks about the website…I am slowly but surely making some changes as I have been feeling the urge lately. My friend Leanne who does website design did the header for me and I love it. I am so not tech savvy and it was just never a top priority.
I have been going through this for the last year. fought tooth and nail to hold onto some relationships but in the end, just had to let go. Personal advancement and development is key to life and sometimes bonds are broken because of it. That’s just the way it is!
Hey Natalie
I know that can be tough, but as you experienced, sometimes we just have to move on from certain relationships. They served a purpose at one point, but as we change, sometimes the people with which we surround ourselves need to as well. It is not about anything being ‘wrong’ with the other people, there is just too many differences usually. When we hold onto things that are dragging us down energetically, it can really stall our growth.
Hi Kelli, some good reminders there, especially about change being the only constant, not all relationships last forever and especially that how over people respond to us is nothing to do with us. I’ve saved the list to look again, sometimes I need reminding about these things.
Hi
They are helpful nuggets to remember..we might not always, but they seep in over time. It is just important we let ourselves feel whatever we are feeling,and not suppress or ignore because we ‘know’ we should be handling it differently. We all need those reminders, myself included! Thanks about the blog. I have been getting the urge to make some changes and I started with a different header. The design was never a top priority, and I know nothing about that stuff, so I just did basic tweaks. Still trying to figure out other stuff I would like to do.
P.S. I like the new blog design, the new pic at the top. 🙂
Wow Kelli,
I had forgotten how much of an awesome blogger and mood lifter you really are! This is one post that has really hit me smack between the eyes!
I remember quite recently attending a meal with Lou, Lou’s mother and her partner. We had a lovely meal as usual and after the subject came up about my career and how badly I was doing at the time, and how at that time Lou was supporting me.
“Phillip, Web Developement and Blogging is all well and good, but it’s not bringing any money in; Realisticly do you really think it will bring you wealth and prosperity. In my opinion you are not the type of person to be wealthy.”
I as you can imagine was flabbergasted at that remark and made me feel incredibly small and inadequate. Everyone in the room had their eyes trained on me boring down to to my heart. “Phillip, you need to get out there, knock on doors, hand in your CV, and get a proper job, you will never be a success in WebDev and Blogging.”
This was all from Lou’s moms partner who at the time had only known me for 3 or so years. I was literally on the verge of tears. Imagine this fellow in their mid to late 30’s knocked down so much that is literally on the verge of watering eyes.
The following months and years was much the same, both Lou’s mum and her pertner telling me what I should be doing and that I should get a proper job in order to prosper. Even to this day they still try and change me. But it’s not going to happen.
I stuck to my guns though and lucky I have a loving partner in Louise who knows that because I am on the path that I am on and that it is my choice how I live my live and have not been influenced by others who don’t like my choices that I (actually We) am becoming more FREE, Happy, Healthy and Wealthy.
I am now more busy than ever before because of my choices and have not took the advice; actually what I like to call negative advice that those people tried to give and change me. Put simply they wanted me to step backwards in order to become a more successful person.
Yes of course it was difficult at times and doubting fears did enter this noggin, but I stuck with it and now those doubting thomas’ can just go and eat their words. I am not a hatefull creature at all but I am glad they started that conversation that one very uncomfortable evening. Beacuse it’s that what has spurred me on!
We never know where our path’s and choices will take us, but I for one am happy that I did not act on the advice (trying to change me advice) they tried to give me. What they wanted for me has achived the exact opposite and I am now more Free than I was those few short years ago.
Thanks for an awesomely inspiring post Kelli, it has really lifed my feelings today!
– PD
Hey Phill
Sorry for the delay. Got a bit behind on my comments. Thank you for sharing your experience and how you were able to deal with that and power on with whaty you know is the right thing to do. The idea of making our own way and building a business is a scary one to most people and they would never in a million years leave the security of a traditional job. That is all well and good but the issue is when they project their fears and beliefs onto other people, who are still battling their own insecurities and fears. It just triggers it all big time and doesn’t feel great. You are so fortunate to have a partner like Louise who believed in you through all of it and let you do your thing knowing it would pan out eventually.
It is always wise to consider the source of advice and opinions…is this person the type of person we want to be? If not, discard immediately!!
Hi Kelli,
No problem at all, I know it’s kinda busy for you living in paradise all the time [Smiley Face :)].
Yep I must say Louise is a rock for me, Even with all of the issues she has with her legs, feet and hips she is still a huge rock to lean against at times.
Good advice and will take it all on board especially your last paragraph! My interactions with Lou’s family these days are very minimal now as I don’t take on board their advice and like you say are not the type of people I want to become.
Actually on the day of my last comment when I was working on a job for a client in Kuala Lumpor. Lou’s mum called her daughter at work during break and asked if I was at home. Yes Phillip is at home but very busy working for a client. was Lou’s Reply.
Ten mins later. Lou’s mom was round the house getting me to help her clean the house and garden. Another distraction stopping me from working! Guess what though? More (So Called) Advice in my direction… Phillip I would love it if you would get a part-time job. It would really make my day! I resisted the urge to show her my bank account details and that I was currently working for a client in KL.
I love Lou’s family to bit’s, but I think their Advice is somewhat missplaced at times. I will just continue to act dumb and let it was over the back of me!
Cannot wait to meet you and the hubby in less than ten months now! Have a good one!
– Phillip