My Own Worst Enemy: The Demons I Must Battle to Live My Dream

Most of you reading probably don’t know me personally, and as such, I would like to give you a little bit of background information. Like most people, I went to college, graduated and got a job that had absolutely nothing to do with my major. The place was good to me and I was grateful; but, I began to realize the office life wasn’t for me.

One day,  out of the blue, I decided I wanted to live abroad and I quickly figured out teaching English was one of the easiest ways to accomplish this new-found, but overwhelmingly powerful desire. Decided on Japan and a few months later I was gone. I got bit by the travel bug at that point, and to this day, am  suffering from a chronic case of wanderlust.

Fast forward a few years– I decided I wanted to work online and travel as long as I wanted whenever I wanted. At the time I set that intention, I had no idea in hell how that was ever going to happen; my life was kind of a mess at this time,  but I refused to let it beat me. But, here I am, having done it since May 2011.

Except for a few months in the US, I have spent the last three years in a variety of locales, such as Costa Rica, Peru, Thailand, Vietnam, Cambodia, Laos, Indonesia, Singapore, India, Nepal and Sri Lanka.

I notice how people react to how I live, and I am aware that it is pretty unconventional and absolutely awesome; but getting to this point was not easy, not one little bit. I made a lot of uncomfortable decisions, and I had to contend with a lot of my ”stuff.” None of us are perfect , and we all have our own unique challenges when it comes to accomplishing the goals we have for ourselves.

We can do work on ourselves, and try to improve, and hey, maybe we can totally eliminate certain behaviors and habits–it is totally possible. But, much of the time, we find they linger–maybe not as strong as they once were, but they are still there nonetheless. Staying the course requires us to adopt strategies to keep these behaviors at bay so they don’t totally derail us.

I wanted to share a post like this because I want people to know that it is possible to design your life in the way you want, regardless of what ”internal” obstacles you think are standing in your way. It is easy to look at someone like myself and assume I have ”something” you just don’t have, or that I am somehow more capable than you may be.

The only thing that is different about me is, how I think, and how I choose to handle my issues, issues that could have easily led me in a completely different direction if I let them.

While my ”problem areas” are certainly not limited to the ones below, they are the big ones; and I imagine they may be major stumbling blocks for others as well. But, I find ways to cope with them, so I can keep doing what I do.

Laziness

If I am completely honest with myself, I can be pretty lazy at times. Many days I get up, and I feel like doing absolutely nothing. I try all sorts of things to make myself ”unlazy” but I haven’t succeeded yet in rooting it out completely.

When I feel like this– which is more often than I would like — I have to force myself to do all sorts of things, because I could happily just lay around watching 30 Rock DVDs all the live long day. I exercise regularly, and am committed to being healthy, but if it were not for my fitness-nut fiance, I would probably skip a lot more work outs than I should.

But, laziness and living your dream, whatever it may be, do not go hand in hand. If I am late with assignments, or do a poor job, all those clients who pay me to write their content would go elsewhere, and I could kiss my traveling lifestyle goodbye.

The best anecdote to laziness is always remembering my ”why.” Why I wanted this life. I spent so much time reflecting and clarifying my desires and values, and I know in the bottom of my heart, that this is the type of life I want ( at least in this moment.) This burning desire overrides my laziness, and I do what I need to do, whether it is finishing an article, or getting in my daily exercise session.

I wish I was naturally one of those uber-ambitious, go-getter people who love to attack the day the second their feet hit the floor. While I certainly have my moments where I emulate this, most of the time, I have to battle ”lazy Kelli.” But, tapping into my ”why” gets my ass in gear.

Anxiety/Fear/Depression

These are actually three separate things, but kind of all the same thing in that they speak to a jacked-up mental and emotional state. I would not say I have any sort of anxiety disorder, but I definitely grapple with anxious tendencies . I can look all calm on the outside, but inside I am kind of like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin is running down the hallway with his arms flailing after discovering he is all by himself in the house.

I am a pretty deep thinker, and I sometimes get very fearful about the world in general  because of all the terrible things we are doing to the planet and each other; I worry about what the future may hold for me. I sometimes think what would happen if Ryan suddenly died, or I got some terrible disease, to name just a few of the unwelcome worries that pop into my head more often than I would like.

I made some very unconventional choices, and like any other human, sometimes experience doubt and uncertainty, even though I know on the deepest of levels I am doing the right thing for me.

I have suffered from depression in the past, and while I would not consider myself a ”depressed” person in the present moment, I definitely have periods where I can feel really low.

When people commit suicide and others comment on how they could not imagine how someone could do something like that, I think they are lucky they can’t imagine such a thing. I on the other hand,  always think that I could totally understand.

Not because I feel like I want to do the same thing, but because I have experienced that deep suffering, and if you believe that suffering has no end in sight, leaving this world does not seem like such as crazy solution. I always wish I was one of the people who can’t fathom it for a second.

I am a very sensitive person who feels very deeply, and like the saying goes, ”it is a blessing and a curse.” If I didn’t make firm decisions to deal with these issues and not let them stop me, my life could have went in a very different direction, and not a good one.

The primary way I deal with my mental junk is meditation–it has healed my mind more than anything else I have done. Meditation helps us realize all that stuff is separate from our true essence, and I can observe these feelings without getting as attached and caught up in them. That lessens the discomfort considerably.

Living an authentic life true to who I am and what I value also keeps me going, because nothing will make any sort of mental anguish worse than feeling trapped in a life you don’t want, or trying to be someone you are not because you fear how people will react to the ”real” you.

Changing perceptions also helps. I realized I could accept these parts of myself, rather than be ashamed of them or try to reject them. They are just one of the many aspects of myself, a self that has plenty of good too–I am kind, I am a good listener, I have deep compassion for animals, I am smart, and people seem to think I’m quite funny.

I began to understand that being a ”happy” person does not mean having a life free of adversity, or being happy all the time. Developing a stronger sense of gratitude about the good things in my life, and the more ”positive” aspects of myself  has also been a life saver.

It is easy to look at the people who seem to exhibit traits you wish you had, or are living their life in a way you wish you could, and think they have it ”better” than you or that they must have no problems.

But, we all have our problems. I am able to live my dream not because I eliminated all obstacles, inner and outer, but because I face them head on and have decided they will not stop me. I took control of those less desirable parts of me, and refused to let them take control of me.