Today I am answering a reader question about a typical phenomenon when one starts considering a teaching like the law of attraction more carefully…enjoy!

Hi Kelli,

 I was in a long-term relationship and as of about 6 months ago I’ve been single. I’m really happy being single, as the relationship wasn’t working in the way either of us wanted it to. However, I’ve recently been really open to the idea of getting into a new relationship so I’ve been focusing on manifesting that desire.

The issue I’m having is that since I’ve decided that I want to be in a relationship again, it has become all I can think about, and while the thoughts are generally positive, constantly having this on my mind makes doubts/fears about attracting the right person crop up as well. Before the desire to be in another relationship came along I was perfectly happy being single and enjoying life, and while I am still enjoying life and predominately happy, I feel like since I’ve been trying to manifest a relationship I’ve become way more attached to that desire than I ever was before. Is it possible that trying to manifest something can itself create an attachment to it beyond what existed before? I hope this makes sense and you have some insight that will help. Thanks!

Wanting is Usually Preceded by Needing

A sense of contrast is very helpful in the manifesting process. We experience something we don’t like and naturally that clues us into something we would prefer. This is part and parcel of the creation process.

Our financial struggles make us realize we would prefer to have enough money to pay our bills and do the things we want to do. A bad break up makes us realize we want a loving relationship with someone who is a good match.

A job we don’t like helps us figure out what sort of job we would enjoy. An environment we don’t like helps us determine one that is more ideal.

So according to the law of attraction, if we focus positively on the thing we would like to see in our experience, we can manifest them. If we cultivate the beliefs and energies that lend themselves to these things showing up, we’re golden.

No need to worry. It’s all about energy and so long as our energy is a match, these things can’t help but make their way in, in some shape or form. No reason not to have any of these things. And on top of that, we will manifest a bunch of other cool stuff that matches these wonderful energies we are creating.

And if we had no resistance, this would pretty much be how it all plays out. But we do in various forms. One of the issues that most gets in the way is our ‘wanting’ is often preceded by ‘needing’ and a feeling of lack.

We don’t just want to manifest all these awesome things for shits and giggles, because it is fun and we think these things would be cool to have, would enhance our experience. We want to manifest them because we may feel incomplete without certain things. We feel a strong sense of lack.

We are really unhappy with our circumstances now, and our mind concludes we would feel much better if we got X,Y or Z. We must have it to be happy. If we don’t have it, we will continue to be miserable and hate our lives.

We don’t just want it, we NEED it. And a sense of need really gets in the way of a key ingredient in the manifesting process–detachment. It is really hard to detach from something you feel like you must have to be happy, that you NEED.

When we feel like we NEED something, the idea of not being able to have it feels really really badly and naturally this leads to all sorts of worry and anxiety about our ability to manifest it.

In Phil’s case,the lack of a relationship was not causing any sort of emptiness; he didn’t really feel like anything was missing. So he was perfectly happy with his single self.

Then he started feeling differently. He started thinking he wanted a relationship. Perhaps because he wasn’t feeling as good anymore and thought the lack of the relationship was the cause of that.

Now it’s okay he wants a relationship. But the desire was likely driven by feeling like he was no longer liking his current reality. Again, sense of contrast is a good thing. Helps us figure out what we would like instead.

But beyond that purpose, trying to manifest from a space of feeling badly about where we are now, that we are missing something, that we need something external to happen to make us feel better, is going to be a bumpy road rife with a lot of unnecessary suffering.

When we look to manifestations as some sort of answer to any emotional woes we may be experiencing now, that taints the desire somewhat to say the least. There is that sense of need, of lack, often times desperation.

It can be really hard to get into the flow of things when we are in this frame of mind. We are constantly on the lookout for ‘proof’ what we are ‘doing’ is working. We usually get in the way by taking all sorts of actions driven from a space of trying to force something to happen.

We get really attached to any manifestation that has the veneer of giving us what we want, and when things don’t turn out like our mind wants, we go ape shit, misinterpreting the crap out the manifestations, missing the messages and the lessons. We throw temper tantrums because the Universe isn’t giving us what we want.

Most of the time, we may not be able to help that sense of ‘need’ being the initial motivation for wanting something. That is just how us humans operate. But we can work on feeling whole and complete now, knowing nothing is missing or nothing is wrong with us because we lack X, Y or Z.

We can want what we want because we think it would be fun to have it, a great enhancement to the positive energies we are cultivating, an experience we think would be enjoyable.

We can want it but we don’t NEED it. Remember the Universe is doing this whole delivering of manifestations in a neutral way. It is not judging or evaluating you in any way.

It does not respond to need; it can’t give you what you want because you are a really good person, because you deserve it or simply because you asked for it, if your energy does not allow for you to receive it.

And nothing can cock-block receiving something more than feeling like you need it.

How the Mind Views the Law of Attraction

The way the law of attraction is often explained makes it sound like some sort of ‘tool.’ A ‘tool’ you must not have been using previously if your life was not going as you liked up until the time you discovered it.

Now that you know all about the wonderful law of attraction, you can ‘use’ it to get anything you want, to manipulate reality to your exact specifications. The Universe is now your bitch, and anything you demand of it, it must deliver. That is the law.

Um…not really. This misconception can really mess with our manifesting, and is one of the reasons I think we tend to get so super-attached to things once we decide we are going to ‘use’ the law of attraction to force them into our reality.

If your mind views the LOA as some sort of ‘tool’ it can use to make things happen, when said things don’t seem to be happening, it doesn’t like that very much. This is not how it is supposed to go, and all its ‘efforts’ are going unrewarded.

The law of attraction says I can have anything I want, and I want THIS thing damn it, and I am not going to give up until I manifest it. It feels badly to think we are doing manifesting ‘wrong.’

It actually kind of boils down to psychology 101–when we don’t think we can have something, we tend to want it even more.

We want to hone our manifesting ‘powers’ as some sort of validation that we actually have said powers.

What Detachment Really Is

Ideally, we don’t give a crap about anything specific manifesting. We know the Universe has our back and as long as we hold up our end of the bargain energetically, we can let in all sorts of good things, from money to love, without specifically glomming onto any of these desires in particular or potential channels through which they may be delivered.

We know it’s all good; we know there is no reason not to have any of these specific things and we realize ‘wanting’ them isn’t part of the equation; we realize ‘needing’ them definitely isn’t either.

But most of us may not be able to embody detachment in such a pure form and it’s fine. We will want specific things. We intellectually understand we don’t need any one manifestation to be happy but that is something that may never fully trickle down to the deepest levels of our being.

So for us, detaching really won’t be about trying to pretend we don’t want what we want, because for most of us, that is exactly what we would be doing. It wouldn’t be genuine, and trying to convince yourself that you really don’t care if you get something will just muddy things up energetically.

Make peace that you want certain things–it’s okay. But do your best not to worry about whether you will get it. Do your best to not get attached to potential representations of this manifestation–maybe that interview will be for THE job, maybe that person you met will be THE one.

But maybe not, and if so, it’s okay. It doesn’t mean anything went wrong.

Really try to remember the manifestations aren’t the answer to the wholeness and happiness you seek, as much as your mind might think otherwise. The meaning attached to their absence is the true culprit, a meaning that has been wholly assigned by your mind and in no way represents some sort of objective fact or truth.

Even if just one percent of you can remember this, you will be in a much better position to start enjoying your life now, regardless of what is ‘missing.’ You will be able to start tackling the true roots of your discontent and in doing so, get to have what you are ultimately craving right now–to feel better.

And in this better-feeling state, you have no choice but to start manifesting a different reality. Just be open to what shows up, how it shows up, and the things and PEOPLE you want specifically may or may not be the best representation of your true desire–which is to feel a certain way.

Accepting Your Fears and Doubts

Working with a teaching like the law of attraction tends to make us notice even more that we don’t have something. We may get more attached to something happening now that we think we may be able to actually have it, that we are able to ‘make’ it happen.

Allowing ourselves to believe that and then thinking it may not happen can be even more painful than when we didn’t think we stood a chance.

We will naturally become more aware of our feelings, and being more aware of the ‘bad’ ones makes us want to get rid of them even more. And naturally our mind holds the manifestation as the key, thus, making us want it even more.

We think our ‘bad’ feelings are messing things up and we want to be rid of them as quickly as possible.

Resisting our resistance is probably the biggest issue most of us face in doing this ‘work.’ We are told we must believe with all our hearts we can have what we want; we feel like we must buy into a way of looking at the world that may be drastically different from our current perspective wholeheartedly without a doubt.

Being tasked with embracing the idea we are solely responsible for our reality, and that no outside entity can get in the way or has no bearing on what happens for us, can seem like a tall order when we have pretty much believed the opposite our whole lives.

Anything from our government to how we look, to our parents, has always has seemed to play a role, and to all of a sudden dismiss the idea any of these factors had an impact probably won’t be so easy.

So you may not believe what you want is possible when your life experience thus far appears to suggest the opposite. Your mind can’t imagine infinite possibility, it can only draw conclusions based on what has already happened and what it observes.

So if you worry you may not get the things you want, if you don’t quite believe it, of course!

Trying to deny that and pretend you believe things you don’t won’t do you any favors, trust me.

The Universe responds to energy–not your actions, not your words, not what you are asking for, not your need, not your desperation,  not your affirmations, not your vision board,not your ‘good’ or ‘bad’ deeds. Not anything but your energy.

And resisting our fears and doubts will just intensify the resistant energy that puts up a big old wall between you and a different reality; trying to shove some positive shit on top of them hoping that will be enough to get your ‘stuff won’t work.

Trying to force yourself into some high energy state because you think that is what you are ‘supposed’ to do to get your stuff won’t work either. Anytime we are ‘trying’ to be positive means we are working against the opposite. If that wasn’t the case, we could just get into a more positive frame of mind without any effort.

Sure, at first, you may feel like you need to consciously try and get there and that’s fine. But that is not the same as trying to ‘force’ it.

This is usually a gradual process where over time you begin to more fully believe in this sort of teaching, you gradually stop living outside-in, you gradually start to understand desperately wanting something and lamenting its absence is not part of the manifesting equation.

But the good news is, even a slightest shift can open up possibilities and trajectories that were closed off before.

Your fears and doubts and what have you really aren’t the true problem–their presence is perfectly understandable and natural. Fighting them is what causes the real problems because that energy will be stronger.

Any time we fight against what currently is, whether a feeling or a particular circumstance, we are taking ourselves out of the natural flow of things. Part of that flow is acknowledging and embracing our fears, doubts and other yucky feelings.

They won’t kill us. We must give up the childish insistence on wanting to be happy all the time and not wanting to feel anything negative. We can really be big babies sometimes when it comes to doing this sort of work.

And I of course am not saying this from some sort of pessimistic perspective that holds life is generally crappy and you probably won’t be happy so best suck it up. I imagine you would know someone like myself wouldn’t hold that view of the world.

All I mean is, that as humans, we will probably continue to experience all the emotions possible, including the ones we may not like. Our mind will continue to place value judgments on manifestations, and we will probably have negative reactions to certain things and we aren’t going to be happy they happened.

We will face challenges that will again, cause feelings we don’t like and don’t want to be experiencing. It’s not the end of the world.

Our feelings are just messengers and show us all sorts of helpful things that we need to see to truly get in alignment with all the awesomeness we are capable of receiving.

So make peace with them, ALL of them. Know you get to decide how to experience your experience, how you get to respond to these feelings, how you get to process them.

Know that you can have a great, happy life even if you still sometimes feel things like fear, doubt, anxiety, anger, sadness, depression, confusion and irritation. Again, they aren’t going to kill you. They aren’t the enemy.

So that’s that.

Your Turn

What did you think? Anything resonate in particular? Do you feel you have gotten more attached to what you want since working with this teaching? Any advice? Looking forward to your comments as always