Is Doing What Makes You Happy Making Other People Unhappy? Ditch the Guilt, Not Your Dreams

Unfortunately, far too many people making a concerted effort to design their lives as they truly want them encounter this nasty little problem. A problem that is actually not little at all–in fact, it is one of the biggest challenges you may face in your attempts to become your authentic self and live the life you truly want to live.

In a perfect world, our decisions would be supported unanimously by those close to us; jealousy and selfish desires would be put aside, and they would support you regardless of their personal feelings about your life choices. But, as many of you know, that is not how it usually plays out.

If you find your pursuit of happiness is making other people in your life feel anything but, you may wonder sometimes if you are the one in the wrong, if you are being selfish. But, it is important to keep in mind a very important distinction. There is a big difference between truly hurting others with our actions–like if I were to fund my travels by stealing from my mother’s bank account–and people simply being upset because you doing what you want is interfering with what they want.  I would imagine almost all the people struggling with this problem are contending with the latter scenario.

Of course we don’t like the fact that our decisions are causing other people turmoil. My current traveling lifestyle does not sit well with my widowed mother, who would happily have me live with her until we were both old and grey. To say I never feel guilty would be untrue, but I have learned to keep it at bay. I love her with all my heart, but making her happy would involve making decisions that would make me very unhappy, decisions that are not necessary to make, decisions that should not be expected of me.

To base her happiness largely on me and my proximity to her, is a burden that is too big for me to shoulder. We can’t let other people hold us responsible for their happiness, nor can we hold others accountable for ours.  We all need to take responsibility for our own happiness and well-being. If we rely on others to provide it to us, we will be sorely disappointed over and over and over again. And if you think making the choices your loved ones want you to make will make them truly happy, it likely won’t.

Provided we are not hurting other people with our actions, we all have a right to pursue the lives we want to pursue.  If that does not sit well with people close to us, it kind of sucks. That other people may think of us as ”selfish,” does not sit well, and you may be tempted to make choices that will shift this view. But, it is important to remember that you are not being the selfish one. As Oscar Wilde once said, “Selfishness is not living as one wishes to live, it is asking others to live as one wishes to live.” People’s unhappiness with your choices is actually not about you, but about them and their own issues. Nothing other people do or say to us is really ever about us, actually, but that is a whole different post.

You may have some rough road ahead dealing with the resistance of people around you, and you may have your moments when you think it would be easier to just concede. The guilt, doubt and other unpleasant feelings that come along with making bold choices can sometimes make you feel like you would be happier if you just set your sights a bit lower, and joined the rest of the pack. But, you would just be trading in those uncomfortable  feelings for a new set of icky ones that stem from not being true to yourself and following the path you know is right for you. Life is not without its challenges, and committing to living your own truth and the life you want is certainly a worthy one to take on.

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