The other day I came across an interview with a personal development blogger, and she described herself as ‘growth-oriented.’ That term really resonated with me , and I think it is the best way to describe why I do what I do, and why I am interested in the things I am.
There was just this spark within me to improve; I knew there was more to life, and I could find ways to navigate this ride more successfully. I knew I could be happier than I was, and create more awesomeness in my experience.
I’m thankful everyday for that spark.Without it, I would probably be in a very different space, and a very different person. Not necessarily terrible versions, but ones I probably wouldn’t be very happy with.
I imagine anyone reading this can relate to much of what I am saying. You have that same spark, and you are interested in living up to your full potential.
First off, good for you—things can be so much easier, and fabulous, if we are willing to do a bit of work on ourselves, and adopt more empowering and positive perspectives on life.
I wrote this post because I wanted to share a few tips to help you get the most out of your self-improvement efforts and make sure you are having plenty of fun along the way.
Enjoy!
Don’t Get So Obsessed with ‘Knowing’ There is No ‘Doing’
There is certainly no shortage of material out there to sink your teeth into. There are so many ‘issues’ we need to work through, from crappy childhoods to self-sabotaging behavior; so many ‘tools’ that can help us make positive changes.
You will find so many different people offering unique insights based on their own personal mix of experience, beliefs, delivery and philosophies. Some will resonate with you more than others, and it is a good thing to check out different books, blogs and what have you, to find what inspires and motivates you most. You want to read works that really ‘click.’
The exposure to new ways of thinking and being is a primary ingredient in the ‘self-improvement stew.’ It serves as the catalyst for increased awareness, and changing the thoughts ,behaviors and beliefs that have caused us so much grief over the years.
But, it is easy to fall into the trap of perpetually gathering new information and not actually taking any sort of action. All this ‘knowing’ can trick us into thinking we are changing, but when we step back, we’ll quickly realize we haven’t really made any headway. We haven’t done much self-examination or really used any of the myriad ‘tools’ we have read about.
There is often that need to gobble up as much as we can, lest we miss some amazing piece of wisdom that will pull everything together. On some level, I think we are looking for some ‘magic bullet’ that will allow us to miraculously morph into a new person overnight.
So, by all means, explore the different topics, read the different books. But, don’t forget to make that conscious effort to apply what you have learned.
Let Go of the Idea of Perfection
We all KNOW there is no such thing as being perfect. But, what we FEEL is often very different, and on some level, many people on this journey have this desire to reach a state of perfection. While this was never a conscious goal of mine, at some point, I made the realization that there was this part of me hoping for this outcome.
There is that deeper desire we will slay all our demons for good, we will forever rid ourselves of yucky feelings like anger, envy, sadness and impatience. We will become Buddha-like beings floating through life on our cloud of expanded consciousness.
Hey, there may be people like that out there, but I’m certainly not one of them. And, like anything else on this blog, I write based on my own experience.
I have made AMAZING changes in my life, and I am riddled with ‘flaws.’ I can get mad about really stupid things, like really stupid. So stupid I usually end up laughing at myself in mid-complaint because I realize how ridiculous I am being.
There is one part of me that loves my fellow man, and another that goes to great lengths to avoid interacting with them. I am overly sensitive at times. Sometimes I feel really anxious and depressed, though these moments have considerably lessened in recent times.
About a month ago, I had a near nuclear meltdown when my loving fiance Ryan implied I may have been eating too much cheese. Of course, it really wasn’t about my consumption of a dairy product (hmm..it probably was at least a little because I really love cheese.) It stemmed from one of my thornier issues of getting really pissed off when I get the sense people are trying to tell me what to do, or getting in the way of what I want. It was quite the sight and we had a good laugh about it eventually.
We all have our ‘stuff’ and while we can no doubt unload some of it completely, or get to a point where certain behaviors and feelings become quite rare, some things may still present a challenge to you. The best we can do is learn to handle these moments better, which makes them less intense and go away more quickly.
Don’t make perfection the goal. You can still create a great life without becoming a master of the human experience.
Sometimes It Can Get ‘Ugly’ but It Doesn’t Always Have to Be that Way
The journey to our best self can be really hard sometimes. We have to face issues, and emotions, that we have buried really deeply. They are really messing with us in countless ways, and need to be embraced, so they can be released.
This new path may put you at odds with other people in your life, who may not understand why you are doing what you are doing. They fear the changes you are making will take them away from you. You may drift apart from some people as you no longer vibe with them. People may give you a lot of shit, and take your efforts to be better ,as some indirect criticism of their own way of being.
Going after the things you want, and becoming the person you want to be, often involves lots of uncomfortable decisions ,and emotions like fear and doubt.
But, growth doesn’t have to be all unpleasant activities like digging out past traumas. Lots of it can be fun. A lot of my ‘work’ has definitely been of the lighter variety, and merely making an effort to feel better has helped me release a lot of my ‘stuff’ without actively staring it down and beating it to a bloody pulp.
Have fun with your personal development work. Make time to do things that make you happy and feel good. Learn to laugh at yourself. Don’t take life so seriously.
Dealing with Others Who ‘Haven’t Seen the Light’
So, you have been doing all this great stuff and are making all these amazing changes in your life. You know if other people did what you’re doing, they would get these same awesome results. So, you are really eager to give your input anytime the opportunity presents itself, so you can help them ‘fix’ their lives once and for all. Oh how grateful they will be to you…
But, often times, it is necessary to curb your enthusiasm. People can only resonate with information they are ready to hear and to which they feel open. If someone in your life isn’t there yet, nothing you say will make a difference. In fact, you will probably make them really angry, and leave them wanting to punch you in the face.
Maybe at some point they will be open to this whole personal development thang and making big changes in their life. Then, they will love to talk to you, and get your tips and insights. But, it is also possible they will never develop this same interest, either because they are perfectly happy with where they are and who they are, or they aren’t but can’t get past all the junk that is keeping them stuck.
The best thing you can do is just keep living your life and creating more awesomeness. People will certainly notice, and it may get the wheels turning in their own minds.
When you get the sense people may be open to what you have to say, by all means, go for it. But, when you know they won’t, just keep your mouth shut. What you say will fall on deaf ears, and you will cause yourself unnecessary aggravation.
As you become wiser, all the dysfunctional ways in which us humans handle our issues will become much more obvious to you. At this point, it is really easy to become judgmental of people, and think you are ‘better.’
It might be tempting to share your two cents in the spirit of helping people, but again, it will probably not go over well. Everyone has their own path and lessons to learn. Don’t worry so much about them, and just focus on yourself.
It’s All a Journey, There is No Final Destination
Don’t look at this ‘work’ as something that has any sort of end point. In your mind, you may be envisioning some new and improved version of yourself that will eventually emerge, and then you will be ‘finished.’ No doubt you can make amazing strides of which you probably may not think you are capable right now. But, again, remember to let go the idea of perfection.
When you look at growth and change in this manner, you will get very impatient; you will be too hard on yourself for not ‘getting it’ yet. You’ll set unrealistic goals for yourself. You’ll miss all the fun to be had.
But, if you can look at it as an indefinite journey, as a way of life, it will be much more enjoyable. You’ll be able to live in the moment with greater ease. You’ll take whatever happens as it comes and be more accepting.
As you move along, you will always be finding something new to explore, and it’s pretty great.
Use What Works, Discard What Doesn’t
You will come across a lot of different philosophies, tips and what have you. Some things will resonate with you and some won’t. I think a lot of people feel some sort of internal pressure to throw themselves completely into a certain belief system, lifestyle, or the teachings of a particular guru, and mold their whole lives around it. We are very used to categorizing, and everything having its place; and this need definitely can spill over into our identity and how we go about living our life.
Never accept anything as truth without critical thought and seeing how something plays out in your own life. Don’t make yourself do things that don’t seem right or beneficial to you because someone else told you it is what you should do.There are many different paths to happiness; there is no one best way. Sift through the information, and use what works and discard what doesn’t.
I would love to hear your thoughts on this post. What tips do you have for people? What challenges are you working to overcome? Please leave me a comment..would love to chat with you.
Hi Kelli,
This article resonates with me 100%.
Being a homemaker and not completed my studies, I have been the positive force of my marriage with my Italian husband who is an Engineer.
Sadly, he passed on 6 months ago.
Apart from his culturally inherent mentality that sees life, a glass half empty, it was my desire to come out from that view as to instil him the joy of life that he could have obtained by slightly change his perceptions of life.
Unfortunately, his superiority complex of being an Italian and an Engineer as oppose to me being an Asian (although having lived in London, LA, Singapore, Malaysia, to name a few), his reluctancy to accept my philosophy of life has been a sticking point in our marriage and brought him to opt for his comfort zone in belief.
We did last more than 2 decades of matrimony; I thank God that I persevered though there were countless times when I almost threw in the towel.
Thanks for your post/blog. I read with enthusiasm and great delight whenever I have the time to focus.
Namaste.
Meta.
Hi
Thanks for stopping by and sharing your experience with me. Being in a relationship with someone who has a more negative view of the world can be very, very challenging. I do feel very grateful the person I am with has a similar mindset. I am sorry to hear you lost your husband..I know that must be a very difficult situation. But, you seem to have a positive mindset, and even though you are going through this difficult time, you are presented with an opportunity to still create a great life, and let your positive outlook really shine. I have a feeling you will do lots of great things!
The Law of Attraction by me Sept 9th 2014
Well hello Kelli
It is your Irish Buddha Dominic here
I am just catching up on your blog posts as I was finishing my latest novel. So now that all the story is told, the not so fun part is now editing, re-writing some parts if necessary but then I will let the universe do its stuff (sure all I do is from there anyway) So I do hope you get to read this, ah what am I saying I know that you will LOL!!
I loved your blog because it is so honest and I feel that you are talking to me and not at me. I love the fact that you admit that you do not know how the LOA works but you are positive it does and I will confirm this revelation hereunder. (Isn’t that a lovely word -‘hereunder’ LOL)
I only heard about LOA last year and it blew me away and oblivious as I was to it it was certainly working away in my life.
In 2005 a friend introduce me to affirmations/visualisations and got me to write down what I wanted in my life and this she stated would come into being with angelic assistance as she was big into angels like Doreen Virtue. Now being a sceptic I was looking at her and thinking to myself ‘Is this woman right in the head and more so am I for listening/doing this stuff’ But despite my reservations I went ahead and did as requested. I placed it in an envelope and just forgot all about it.
Then last year my daughter bought me The Secret and wow I could not believe what I was reading because it reminded me of what my lady friend told me 5 years before. So I scurried to find the envelope and feck I was blown away as almost everything I had written down was surely delivered.
Now in 2005 I was in a dreadful place acting out my part in a real life ‘War of the Roses’ as in the movie but I was always positive even when I engaged in the BIG Fight with ‘mud slinging’ etc etc. However, my friend as stated above, intervened and I wrote down what I wanted to have, a house on a hill, re-educate me, write n get published, travel, meet my soul mate, become more spiritually aware and be financially secure to do the things I wanted to do. Kelli, I thought that this was all ‘pie in the sky’ I hadn’t a clue how this could possibly come into being but come into being it did.
I now live in a house on a hill, have a degree in movie production (concentrating on the writing end) travelled to Thailand four times and to The Canary Island twice, have two books published, and I have met my soul mate. This is the honest to God truth and sometimes I just can’t believe it myself but I give thanks every day and boy am I happy! This was all delivered to a person with no money!
Kelli, I didn’t do anything to make this happen I just went with the flow and the analogy I use for what occurred with LOA it is like getting a train and the stops along the way are the things that you want n asked for and as they come along the boxes are ticked as it is done. Now when on this journey I didn’t have to concentrate on the next station I just knew that it would come just like my wants and I was thankful when they did but being in a state of almost bliss on the journey.
So all aboard the LOA Express the destination is your decision!
I live in the present and like I said I am happy and grateful for all that I have and now to continue with my life I have intentions to fulfil and I believe that the universe with take me there on my LOA Train hoping that it is an express LOL But then would I enjoy the journey not seeing the beautiful scenery as I would be going too fast LOL.
Anyway I intend to be a best selling author worldwide with having my third book published anon and have my zany TV Comedy produced which in turn will give me my financial security to do the things I want. Then in the distant destination I will write a movie or two with tremendous success. But do you see Kelli, I haven’t a clue HOW this will come about but be sure that it will wow I just love this journey and my train have definitely left the station and I am enjoying the scenery so much.
Thank you sincerely Kelli for your blogs they are such an inspiration for me and everyone who reads them. Just more one thing about LOA – If it did not exist or work I would have never heard of you or seen your blogs thus you are a most welcomed passenger on my train perhaps you are driving it at times LOL
Love, peace n Joy to you Kelli n Ryan
Dominic
Hey Irish Buddha
I actually just answered your comment on the other post just a few minutes ago..so you can find it there. I was so happy to see you stop by. I am sure your book is great!
Dominic, I think that positive affirmations are also very helpful. It is nice to hear yourself say your desires out loud. It really lets the Universe know what you need. I say my affirmations to myself in the mirror every morning.
Hey Kelli!
I definitely used to get so bogged down in knowing that there was little doing. As a ‘reforming’ perfectionist, I still struggle with wanting everything to be in order before I do anything. I think I need to stick post-its up all over my apartment that say “Perfection is unattainable. Get going.”
I can relate to you both loving your fellow man and going to great lengths to avoid them. I’m exactly the same way. I love people as a general philosophy, but in real life they can drain my battery really quickly. That’s one of the things I love about creating an online business – you can be completely open with people and still have a personal barrier in place. I love people as long as I have a bit of personal space. 🙂
I also love your point about using what works and discarding what doesn’t. I sometimes refer to myself as a part-time Buddhist, because while I draw heavily on the principles, I don’t like to label myself as one thing or the other.
Great post!
Hey Mandie
Yeah, that information-gathering is so important but it is easy to let that become our sole activity. The thing about perfection is funny because like I said in my post we know it doesn’t exist yet we do really crave it. Our minds can be real jerks sometimes! Drain my battery—love that and it is a perfect way to describe how I feel. I am very friendly and affable, but am an introvert through and through, and lots of interactions with people really wear me out. I need lots of alone time where it is quiet. You are so right about the online business–it is the best of both worlds. I think about that often myself.
Buddhism has been a major influence in my life as well, but I am not a Buddhist nor do I feel compelled to identify with any one religious or spiritual tradition.
Thanks for sharing!
I love, love, love your wisdom, Kelli. I always look forward to your blog articles, despite my crazy busy schedule. My favorite takeaway from this one was the reminder to essentially take this whole thing a bit more lightly. We are always improving. We never get that done and we can’t get it wrong. Just sample ideas and keep practicing actually applying what you are learning, rather than just endlessly collecting ideas with no personal application. The point of it all is to genuinely enjoy the journey.
Hi Indigo
Thanks so much…it means a lot to hear that. Taking it lightly is really important–sometimes the work gets messy because we are dealing with uncomfortable issues, past hurts and what have you, but it doesn’t all have to be working through pain. I love that point about not being able to get it wrong–that is a very powerful realization that can really guide us on this little journey to our best selves. Thank you as always for your insightful comments..I love your wisdom as well. You have a great way of wording things in a way that makes you think of a concept in a new light.
Hi KC,
What cheese discussion are you talking about?
You know, you should write an eBook with this tremendous wealth of wisdom and experience. All points are dead on. Reading a self help book without practicing what it preaches provides you with entertainment value online. I accelerated my growth by picking up self help tips and using them immediately.
No need to be a personal development junkie if you’re growing, right? Only failures are personal development junkies; no successful person can set aside that much time to obsess over self help, to try different systems, and to ponder over strategies. They too damn busy running a successful business! Or they’re working jobs they love, or writing books….and since they’re succeeding, they still work on their mindset but ease up, to focus less on self, and to inspire others.
Excellent, excellent advice as always.
Tweeting soon.
Ryan
Hi Ryan
The great cheese incident of 2014….good times. I think I will write an ebook eventually. You are right about that..it is just mere pleasure reading. We have to digest, reflect and integrate. You are right about that..people finding success and happiness are out there doing, not just reading about it. Like I said in the post, gathering the new perspectives is an important part of reconditioning the mind, but don’t fall into the trap of just reading, reading reading.
Thanks for your great comment as always!
Ryan and Kelli,
You know, it’s so funny, my husband and I were having that same discussion earlier today and I was telling him about Ryan’s story of overcoming depression– that’s exactly what I was explaining.
Having too much time to wallow in your thoughts is just a recipe for disappointment. Keeping busy creating a successful life is the best possible way to battle the blues, I really believe that.
I’m an actress/playwright and obviously very much into drama, and I find that if I’m not able to play that drama out onstage or on the page, it seems to crop up in my real life. It’s like I can’t help myself! That’s why I’m always working… strangely I feel like it keeps me sane. I feel like you guys are the same way; that’s why I like you so much =)
Have a great day/night/whatever it is where you are!
Brittany
Hey Brittany
Thanks so much for stopping by..always glad to see you around here. I agree with you that finding ways to fill our time with purposeful activity is really one of the best medicines. I have had my moments of feeling down, but I noticed that since I started this blog, I haven’t felt those feeling as frequently or as strongly. I feel really good doing this and it has made a big difference.
That is an interesting observation about the drama seeming to pop up when you aren’t able to engage with it in creative pursuits. Perhaps the LOA at work 🙂
We really like you too..we were actually just talking about how awesome you were the other day 🙂
hi Kelli, I love the concept of using what works and discarding what doesn’t. True feminine power is my passion and requires a lot of regular emptying out so that we can allow the new growth to occur. I feel that this is so important and a great cure for overwhelm. Thanks for your thoughtful ideas – I agree with your wonderful ideas x
Hey Lisa
Thanks so much for stopping by. So glad you liked the post. You are so right about that–to truly grow we must always evaluate what we are currently doing and currently believe to see what is still working and still not. It can be challenging sometimes and we can get really attached, but it is necessary.