In theory, improving our lives should be easy. But, in practice, it is something people struggle with, sometimes greatly. We torture ourselves in various ways, from letting other people dictate our lives to engaging in all sorts of self-sabotage that keeps us stuck where we are. We do things we know are bad for us, but we just can’t seem to help ourselves.
Us humans are pretty messed up in the head when you think about it! Why we do this to ourselves is, on one on hand, kind of complicated. But, on the other hand, the answer is quite simple. We have all sorts of weird beliefs that led us to making certain choices and developing certain habits that perpetuate our discontent. There is so much ‘crap’ that is so deeply ingrained, it can feel impossible to change (but it’s totally not of course.)
We are moving through life on auto-pilot, and we don’t even realize what we are doing most of the time. But, don’t despair. You can change; things can get better. We just need to ‘wake up’ and get ourselves on a different track mentally.
So, for your reading pleasure, here is part one of this little series on kicking our old lives to the curb and building shiny, happy new ones.
Here is a little video for with some additional thoughts on the matter…
What is Your Why?
With all the inner junk we have to work through, day-to-day responsibilities, good old laziness and other ‘saboteurs’, we need to find ways to keep on track with whatever changes we are hoping to make in our lives, regardless of their magnitude. We need to find a way to anchor ourselves to our desires, and keep on keeping on, no matter what obstacles pop up—internal and external.
The most powerful anchor will be your ‘why.’ Without getting crystal clear on why you want whatever it is you want, you’re doomed. And, when I talk about your ‘why’ I mean the deepest desires and your core values. The surface stuff, like wanting to be happier or feel fulfilled won’t make the grade. These are good starting points for investigation, but in and of themselves, are way too flimsy.
So, if you really want to maximize your chances of success, you need to define your ‘why.’ Why do you want the things you want? Why do you want to become the person you are hoping to become? List out all the reasons, and then the reasons you want those things, and then those things. Once you feel you can’t go anymore, you have hit your true ‘why.’ This last batch of reasons has revealed to you what you truly want in life and what you truly value.
Figuring that out can change the way you move through the world completely. This deeper certainty about who you are, what you want and the values you hold dear can set you on a whole new course. Much of the confusion lifts; any fears and doubts quiet down as you gain more confidence. Making decisions becomes easier because you have a better sense of where you want to go, and what needs to be done to get there.
Once I figured out why I wanted the things I wanted, nothing could stop me. I knew what I needed to do, and I did it. Figure out that ‘why’ and you’re golden
Make Sure You Are Moving Towards Something You Want and Not Just Away from the Crap
More often than not, dissatisfaction with our current lot in life, negative feelings and crappy situations serve as the primary catalysts for change. After all, when things are going okay and our lives are relatively comfortable, we don’t quite have that same drive to change. We may not be thrilled with how things are, but our situation is not so painful we feel we must act.
So, you don’t like your life now and want it to be different. That is awesome you have come to this realization and are ready to shake things up in a good way. But, while it is perfectly fine to be driven to change by negative feelings and circumstances, if you really want things to get better in any meaningful and lasting way, make sure you are not just running away from something unwanted, but towards something wanted.
Without some sort of positive goal in mind, it will be really hard to move on. Even if you don’t like your life now, it is familiar and comfortable, and we tend to gravitate towards that, even when we don’t like it. Without anything specific on which to set your sights and energy, you’ll stay right where you are, no matter how much disdain you hold for your current situation.
So, while thinking about what you don’t like and don’t want is a good starting off point, make sure you give some thought to what you do want and like. Figure out what specific changes you want to make. Don’t worry about figuring out your whole life right in this instant—it’s okay if you are not sure exactly where you want to go. It is just important you have a sense you are moving towards something better.
View Decisions in a Less Scary Light
Again, our love of comfort, the familiar and knowing what to expect can keep us stuck in situations that we don’t like, no longer serve us and potentially do great harm to our well-being.
We want to do things differently, and that involves making decisions. And this crucial aspect of improving our life doesn’t always come easy, as evidenced by the boatloads of people who keep perpetuating their unhappiness by their inability to perform this act.
We have a great fear of the future and the unknown. Our mind always goes to what might go wrong, and what we don’t want to happen. Even if we feel strongly a certain decision would be beneficial, we can’t bring ourselves to actually make it.
First off, doubt and fear are natural—I felt plenty of both as I went about crafting the life I made for myself. As I advance, and new desires come to light, these jerks surface right along with them. But, there have been some key realizations I have made that make the act of deciding much easier, and far less scarier.
So long as we set strong intentions for the things we want, everything that happens to us is happening for us. Every decision we make will move us closer to what it is we want and who we really want to be. So, no matter what happens, it is always all good.
When you view making decisions in this light, you won’t feel as fearful about it. No matter what results from a particular decision, there will always be some benefit for you. You’ll feel more confident listening to your intuition, and you won’t worry as much about moving forward even if you aren’t 100 percent sure this is the right move, or how things will fall into place.
So, if there is some decision you are currently weighing, and you have been holding off largely due to fear, act now.
If you can adopt the view that we are always moving towards what we want, and all our choices help us reach that goal, whether they help us fine-tune our vision, reveal a block or limiting belief, or help us figure out what we do want by exposing us to something we realize we don’t, you’ll make the very freeing realization there is no such thing as a wrong decision.
Take Things One Choice at a Time
When we look at where we are now, and where we would like to be, the distance in between can seem really, really far. We look at all our ‘issues’ that need to be fixed, all the changes that will be necessary, all the ‘work’ that will have to be done. Throw in our desire for immediate gratification, and getting maximum results with minimal effort, and the doubt and discouragement begin to surface in no time.
When you are looking at the whole picture, or thinking ahead to years down the line, it can feel a bit overwhelming. And when we feel overwhelmed, we tend to retreat and do nothing. And before you have even really started, you have given up. That is why ‘taking things one day at a time’ is one of the primary mantras for people recovering from addiction or working through traumatic circumstances.
I would like to narrow that down even further to taking things one choice at a time. Staying in the present moment is one of the best antidotes to keeping the mental yuck at bay that can derail our efforts at improvement.
So, when it comes to making your desired changes, just take things one choice at a time. Each day you are faced with numerous choices on how to expend your energy and where to place your attention. Just do your best to zero in on each one, and focus on that moment.
So, if you are trying to change your eating habits, work on making a healthier choice at each meal, don’t think about the next six months of dieting that lay ahead of you.
If you want to exercise more, and you are deciding between that and watching videos on YouTube after a long day, suck it up and take the walk. Don’t think about all the times that lay ahead where you’ll have to sacrifice your ‘fun’ time to make room for regular exercise.
If you find yourself in a situation where you are being invited to an argument you really don’t want to attend, tell yourself you’ll just keep your mouth shut, and let the moment pass. Don’t think about all your deep-rooted issues with this person, the whole history of your interactions and the work that needs to be done on the relationship.
Now, will you always make the best choice each and every time? No, probably not, and that’s okay. Deeply ingrained habits and ways of being will win out sometimes since they are still powerful; there is a lot of momentum behind them, and it is easier to keep doing what we have always done than something different. No one’s perfect.
But, when you break down your life into a series of individual choices, you’ll find it much easier to do the ‘better’ thing. Your progress will be faster, and changing won’t feel as overwhelming or hard. When you find yourself in a situation where you wish you would have chosen differently, you won’t feel as deflated because you know another opportunity is right around the corner to try again. You’ll have plenty of choices coming down the pike that will allow you to practice your decision-making.
So, in your own journey of change, just do your best to focus on the situation that is immediately in front of you, and do your best to make the decisions that will move you towards what you want, and not further away from it.
So, I hope that you enjoyed the post, and got at least a few nuggets of wisdom that will motivate you to start going after what it is you want, no matter how big or small. Stay tuned for part 2 on Monday.
Please leave me a comment so we can have a nice chat. Was there any part of the post that really grabbed at you? What changes are you trying to make in your own life? What are you moving towards? What are you hoping to move away from? Where are you succeeding? Where are you struggling? Do you have any tips that you think would be helpful for people? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
Very nice post, Kelli!
I love the clarity that you bring to the forward motion process. As I was reading your post, I was reminded of Thoreau’s “move confidently towards the direction of your dreams” quote. It is interesting to me how inspiring words can automatically create associations that we have in the brain from the past and bring them to the surface. I love the “being decisive” and understanding the “why” part too. Many people do not go into the deeper reasons and layers of the simple question “why.” It is the difference between extrinsic motivation and what psychologists call intrinsic motivation. Understanding “why” paves the way to opening the gates of intrinsic motivation and then a great purpose and a deeper sense of persistence are born.
Going towards and not running away from stuff is a very effective suggestion because I have found that the “what we resist persists” is very true. Even neurology and science backs this idea because going towards creates neural networks that we want to enhance and promote in skills and interests.
And happiness research is now more conclusively showing that happiness first and success follows is a data supported reality and not some “polyannish” wishful thinking.
Thanks for the great post!
Harish
PS: I love your and Ryan’s pictures in your travels! Very cool! Just found Ryan through triberr too and very happy to know you guys!
Hey Harish
Thanks so much for taking the time to leave a comment and so glad you liked the post. Your comment was excellent, and you shared so many great insights and points. Like you said, if we can tap into that intrinsic motivation ‘a great purpose and a deeper sense of persistence are born.’ I loved that so much and it perfectly illustrates the importance of the ‘why.’ It reminds me of what Ryan says about becoming a successful blogger–he warns against using money as a main motivator, and tie your desire to some form of being free.
That stuff about the brain is so interesting-that is one area where with which I would like to become more familiar because I find it fascinating how we can change it for the better by developing positive habits,etc.. The scientific aspect is certainly helpful as many people respond better to standard ‘proof’ of something. Changing how I thought changed my whole life, and I am certainly glad I made the effort.
Thanks about the pictures..looking forward to adding some new ones in the next few months. We have been in the same place for over 3 months now and here for 3 more weeks. Getting excited to move on!
Thanks again for your great comment..it was so interesting and thought-provoking!
Thanks a lot for the kind words, Kelli! And you are most welcome.
I really enjoyed reading the post. The truth is that the more I read the perspective of other writers, the more I am able to crystallize ideas and concepts in my mind. It is kind of like bouncing off ideas and getting input and feedback…except now the audience is global!
I really like Ryan’s idea about not making money as the main motivator of blogging and tying your desire to some type of being free. I agree that when we tie our desire to something that resonates with us deeply and sets us free, we are having a great time and work becomes play. It is precisely finding that sweet spot that creates great mileage and success.
Yes, people love science backed ways of stuff! I think it makes people feel more at ease that the advice they are receiving has been tested out somewhere else. I have been fascinated with the brain and with behavioral psychology. My background is Biology and I worked as a scientist and a teacher for many years in my life. Sadly, a lot of the scientific literature is never read by more than 7 to 10 people. Most of the studies that we read in the popular press are escapees that have become popular. When you go to the primary literature, there is treasure waiting to be mined that no one has written about. The only issue is that some of the papers get hard to read!
You guys look great in the pictures and your adventures are very inspiring! Travel is one of the best ways to gain knowledge about the world and I wish you both the best in your travels!!!
Best wishes!
Harish
Hi KC,
I love the post, and the point about moving toward the freeing stuff and not just away from crap.
We’ve played those silly little games, all of us; it feels comfortable to avoid unpleasant, or uncomfortable, situations, but these are our liberators. Our captors? Aversion, and sloth, and an overall terror of the unknown.
I enjoy diving into freeing situations much of the time. I find it freeing to write 1500 words each day, being devoted to my blogging from paradise eBooks, and churning out thousands of more words through my comments, and various online ventures. Does this feel uncomfy sometimes? Hell yeah!
You’ve see it first hand; I’m not a natural. Nobody is. We may have talents, inherently, or natural gifts, but each talent is taxed through our persistent practice.
Love it KC. Excellent post, and I dig the way you end with a series of questions, Super engaging, super smart.
Tweeting through Triberr.
Signing off from Savusavu, Fiji.
Ryan
Hi Ryan
That is a very important thing to realize.it is easy to just put the focus on what we want to get away from, and while that is a great first step, we need to get some good momentum going towards something we think would make our lives happier or easier. That willingness to dive into freeing situations as you put it, is life-changing. If we can withstand the discomfort that comes with that, we quickly realize how much we are truly capable of, and how much we can really change our lives. Thanks for your great insights as always!
Wow, that is one heck of a blog post Kelli. Kudos to you!
I have said it before and I will say it again. The posts you write really bring out the best in me and when I have ‘Issues’ to deal with all I have to do is come hear and read a blog post or two of yours. Thank you Kelli for starting this blog and bringing clarity to my life.
As you well know I have been blogging for a number of years now and known Ryan for a number of years but the one thing that lacked in my career was clarity and the path that I was taking! Back then there was so many distractions and I found myself concentrating 20% of my time on each of them and not 90% on the one thing that I enjoy.
I love how you can write in the way you do that makes a lot of sense to people like me. One of my issues is my weight and how it is going up and down. at the moment it’s going down and I am finding a lot more energy in myself by taking the hour long walks and bike rides every day!
My main goal is to live the same lifestyle that you and Ryan does. But I think that my ideas of paradise are somewhat different to your owns. Don’t get me wrong the island hopping bit is brilliant and something that I WILL be doing. But I am a City boy at heart and London is calling me, same as NYC next year. Eventually though i wish to spend my final years climbing the mountains and peaks for Wales and particularly Barmouth.
Top post as usual KC.
– PD
Hey Phill
Thanks so much…that means so much to me. That is one of the reasons I emphasize the importance of reading materials that make you feel good, challenge our current way of thinking,etc…because that is the most effective way to recondition our thought patterns and shift beliefs that no longer serve us. The more we expose ourselves to the ‘good’ information, the more we feel motivated to change. Anything that helps with your clarity is great. It really is amazing the changes we can see when we do get that clarity and focus our energy on that one thing. Ryan’s success with his new blog is a perfect example–he knew what he wanted to do, it felt right and that energy helped create something great. It’s amazing how much we can accomplish with good energy and lines of thinking–we’ll still need to take action in some form, but less of it, and the things we do do from a good space will get us really great results.
I have no doubt you can live the same lifestyle. Everyone has their own idea of paradise for sure, and it is important to define that for ourselves. We all have different preferences, values and what have you. So, long as you are doing what makes you happy, that is all that matters!
Hi Kelly,
I spotted you when I was reading Melody’s blog, and loved what you had to say and now here I am.
To have a goal or dream that is compelling and draws you toward it, is huge! Goals and dreams like this are the fuel that get you out of bed early in the morning and keep you going late into the night. They provide you with inspiration and energy you never thought was possible. When we have a compelling goal or dream it pushes us to make the necessary life changes for it’s achievement.
It’s so true that change can be very scary, and it can feel like our safety depends on us making the right decision. Our old limiting beliefs can get in the way, trying to keep us in our comfort zone away from the pain of, “The Wrong Decision!” The fact is, as you said, there are no right or wrong decisions, there are just decisions.
Some decisions we make will prove beneficial to us, taking us closer to our goals, others may not be so good. If things don’t go as planned, we have to try not to be too hard on ourselves, it’s best to chalk it up to experience, and keep moving forward. It’s an important part of our growth that we learn to flex our decision making muscles more often, so making decisions becomes easier and less painful.
Many thanks for the Great Post, the great tips and advice looking forward to the next chapter.
Roma Catherine
Hi Roma Catherine
Thanks so much for stopping by and sharing your thoughts. So glad you liked the post. You are so right about that–we need something to light that spark within. To just want to get away from the unwanted is a great catalyst to get things moving, but it isn’t enough. I have found that energy thing to be so true–you don’t realize how much of the ‘drain’ comes from being uninspired and unhappy. We see it is not just a physical thing of not having enough sleep or what have you.
Like you said, some decisions may not lead us where we thought they would, but there is always value in them because we can use the experience to regroup and see where we still need to tweak things to achieve our vision. Love that about flexing the decision muscles–it is so true that the more we do it, the easier it becomes.
Great insights and tips here and I am so glad you took the time to share!
Hey Kelli,
I enjoyed your post. I too have been doing a bit of a re-crafting of my life. I started by focusing on ease in my previous lifestyle, and one by one, things started disappearing or appearing to resonate with it.
Something that I wanted to highlight about what you said is, when making a “big change”, focus on how to make that change in your now moment as opposed to ruminating about how you might keep that change up six months down the line. I like that concept because it causes you to focus on where your true power is – which is now.
Have you read the work of Steve Pavlina? He’s very much a Ryan Biddulph type – super proactive and into engineering systems. He claimed that goal setting was only always about changing how you feel in the present moment, and if your six month goal didn’t change how you felt now, then you should throw that goal out.
I like that because it shows the potential quicksand we all have when we try to change our lives. Often times the change we want is something we think we should want. Does that make sense? So the effect is you’re trying to leave a life that you lived because you thought that you should live it, and instead move towards another different live based on a should. That’s because our limiting beliefs tell us that if you want a profound change, you have to do it in the same way that others have done to be successful.
That’s why it’s all about the why. The why clues you into the emotional reason for the change in the first place. Put a different way, the why allows you to resonate with the frequency with your true desire and to lock into it in a more specific way. Which, as we all know by now, is what causes you to begin to cut through the “shoulds” and manifest the life you truly want.
Good stuff,
Hi Chris
Thanks so much for stopping by. I am go glad you liked the post, and I loved your comment. So many great insights that really resonated with me. I’m so glad to hear you are doing well in your own journey of change–it is pretty amazing what we can do when we just make that decision and tweak our mindset and belief systems. You are so right about our true power being in the now, and if we can learn to focus on the moment each time we are deciding to act, it gets easier to make better decisions.
I am familiar with the work of Steve Pavlina, and that is very good advice he gave. That is something to keep in mind when I am formulating my own. Thinking we should want certain things and gearing our change efforts around that TOTALLY makes sense, and is one of the major issues we need to overcome when we shift our focus to really improving our lives in any meaningful and lasting way. We have a lot of information pounded into us that make those ‘shoulds’ seem very compelling even if a part of us knows it is not the right path. Stripping away that conditioning can be challenging.
You are so right about that limiting belief that tells us we can only get something if we do it how others did, and that can be so damaging because most of us have some very screwy beliefs that make achieving our goals and getting what we want so much harder than it has to be! My study of LOA has really helped me shift beliefs like ‘no pain no gain’,etc…
Love what you said about how the ‘why’ helps–it is so powerful in lining us up as you said.
Thanks again for such a great comment!