Learning ways to deal more effectively with other people is a very good use of our time, considering how much of it is spent interacting with them. Not much ‘intro’ type stuff to say since I did it in the first part. So, I’ll just jump right into part two for your reading pleasure. Enjoy!
It’s Nothing Personal
Just like not holding other people responsible for our feelings, which I touched on in the first part, not taking things personally can be really, really hard. After all, certain unpleasant words actions and reactions were specifically directed at us..of course it’s personal!
But, nothing any of us do is ever about other people—each of our external experience with the world around us is just one giant projection of what is going on inside. I believe it was the Four Agreements where I saw our experience likened to each of our lives being a movie, where we are the star and director, and everyone else– just the extras.
You know when you are having a bad day, and you just snap at people? In those moments you know that it has nothing to do with the other person, and it is simply because you are feeling crappy in that moment. Well, that is what is happening all the time, with everyone. Something within is triggering the things we say and do, and has nothing really at all to do with the person on the receiving end of our criticisms, moodiness, and what have you.
This is one of those truths that can take awhile to seep down into the level of feeling, but the deeper it goes, the more peaceful and easier life becomes.
So, that rude waitress might be struggling and failing miserably with another endeavor, and just simply hates her job. Your testy customer may be running on fumes because her mother with dementia has now adopted a completely wacky sleep schedule where she is up all night. Your family member sees you making choices she wishes she would have made, and now it is too late, so the only way to quell those uncomfortable feelings is finding fault with you.
When we take things personally, we suffer a lot. But, just remember, you are just an extra in the movie of everyone else’s life ,and we are all just living out our internal world. And because few of us are enlightened spiritual masters, it is easy to forget this, leaving us constantly wounded in one form or another. It doesn’t have to be this way.
Own Your Choices
Ultimately, we never have to do anything we don’t want to do. But, we do things we don’t want to do all the time, falsely believing we really have no other option. This is because we have very strong beliefs—which can always be changed if they are not serving us—regarding how we interact and handle other people, or doing what we would actually like to do seems so freaking uncomfortable, we just can’t bring ourselves to do it. It often feels so uncomfortable, we really don’t even see it as a viable option.
And, this makes for a lot of turmoil, internal and external, when it comes to dealing other people. We put up with things we don’t want to put up with and we don’t do the things that would make us feel better.
We worry doing what we would really like to do would hurt other people’s feelings, would open us up to criticism that we don’t want to hear, or make us seem mean, selfish or something else ‘bad.’ And so the suffering continues.
Listen, I totally get it. We don’t like making uncomfortable choices, because, well, they’re uncomfortable! We just can’t seem to muster up the courage to act. It’s your life, and you can proceed however you want.
But, if you’re not going to do what you really would like to do, own that you are making a choice. Accept you are choosing this course of action and actively deciding you are not doing what you really want to do. When we do this, we move away from a victim mentality where we feel that other people are controlling us, causing us to feel badly, ruining our good time or making us do things we don’t want to do.
So, if you are reluctant to tell the person yapping on her phone during the movie to shut her trap because confrontation with a stranger makes you uncomfortable, own it.
If you are so sick of your mother criticizing every aspect of your life, but you don’t’ feel comfortable showing her your vulnerable, hurt side because she is kind of a cold person, own it.
If you are keeping toxic family members in your life who causes you nothing but grief, but you can’t bring yourself to reject the idea you stick with family no matter what, own it.
If your needy neighbor is constantly asking you for favors, and you feel badly saying no, even though it is beginning to drive you crazy, own it.
There is a huge shift in energy when this happens. We don’t suffer as much because we realize we are taking an active role in handling the situation, even if it is not the way we truly want to handle it. Then you can begin developing strategies to cope with it better, rather than just getting swept up in these moments and feeling like you are being victimized in some way.
And at some point, hopefully you will decide to take action and stop doing things that make you feel badly. But, that can take some time, and this owning of our choices is a good first step in reducing all the ‘yuck.’
See What is Triggering Reactions and Go Within
None of us are excluded from the truth of our reactions to things having nothing to do with the other person. So, when you get all bent out of shape about something, it is because some sort of energy is being activated inside of you. So, this little tidbit kind of relates to what I was saying about not holding other people responsible for how we feel.
If we can accept this truth, and not resist it by continuing to blame other people for the reactions that get stirred up by their words and actions, we are presented with a tremendous opportunity to go within and see what is happening inside of us.
Now, this can be really uncomfortable because it often means examining our beliefs and decisions, and/or coming to terms with the truth that we may be really unhappy with certain aspect of our life, or that certain behaviors are really having a negative impact on us that is getting more and more difficult to ignore.
But, I can’t tell you how much it is worth it. We have all this ‘stuff’ inside of us that we just keep pushing down further and further, and this refusal to deal with it, screws with our life and happiness in countless ways.
Sure, on one hand, it certainly has its benefits. We get to protect ourselves from the pain that may come with facing truths that may be difficult to face. But, this certainly doesn’t make for a happy life because it is still stewing within, and it manifests itself in different ways. We are pretty good at going into denial mode, but we can’t deny completely, and on some level, we know what is really happening.
When we are open to this self-reflection, we transform in countless ways that not only makes us happier overall, but helps us deal more effectively with other people. It may help us release anger and resentments we carry. It may help us view people in a more favorable light, which reduces the friction and fighting. We get to know ourselves better, and this makes us less vulnerable when people criticize and judge us. We feel less inclined to defend ourselves, or prove other people wrong.
You’re Not Perfect, Don’t Expect Others to Be
None of us are perfect…no big revelations there. I’m not even sure what constitutes a perfect person. Anyway, even though we know this, we tend to be very unforgiving of others when they slight us in any way. We think, how dare they say or do that? Again, we take it very personally. We hold people to unrealistic standards, and when their own imperfect nature shines through in some way, we find it completely unacceptable.
But, take a moment to think about all your ‘flaws’ and all the things you may have done or said to other people that were maybe not so great. Think about what may have triggered those situations. You may have been lashing out because you felt hurt or out of control. Perhaps you were operating with some faulty beliefs. Maybe you were just having a bad day. In some cases, you were feeling a bit jealous, and in an effort to feel better, tried to make the other person feel badly about some aspect of her life.
Guess what? While us humans are very different from each other in lots of ways, we are also very much alike in countless others. If you can remember other people are just as ‘imperfect’ as you, that their negative words and actions ,are stemming from some sort of discomfort within, just like it does with you, you’ll be less bothered. You’ll be more understanding and forgiving. You won’t take things as personally. You will interact with them more effectively.
Put yourself in other people’s shoes, and try to think what would possibly make you act that way. This is one time in life where assuming can have its benefits. Remembering we all have our ‘stuff’ can totally change how we view others and the things they say and do.
So, that’s all I have to say this time around. Hope you enjoyed the post and walked away with at least one thing to chew on more thoroughly. Please let me know your thoughts in the comments. What people problems are you having now, and how are you trying to handle it better? Have you any techniques or ways of thinking that you would like to share here? Anything I wrote here stand out for you in particular? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
Hi Kelli,
Thank you so much for this mind-blowing post.. Reading it really gave me a lot of insights regarding how we treat others.. We are placing huge pressure on ourselves and people in our lives by expecting perfection always. It would be so much peaceful if we can accept ourselves and others with all the imperfections.. I think its all based on our mindset and perspective. If we look at imperfections and flaws as hindrance and trouble, then its going to demolish our peace of mind. But instead, if we look at imperfections as an opportunity to discover our-self and enjoy the transformation from where we are to where we want to be I think we will be glad for the imperfections.. But this chain of thoughts was triggered by your post and I absolutely enjoyed reading it.
Thanks.
Hey Melisa
Thanks so much. I’m so glad you liked it. You have some great insights here, particularly about looking at our ‘flaws’ as a means of improvement and the start of an enjoyable transformation to a more desired version of ourselves. It can be hard to remember we are all imperfect when that imperfection results in others doing things to us that we don’t like for one reason or another, but when we can remember it, we can feel more peace about whatever happens, and be more forgiving, which is ultimately more beneficial for us than the person receiving that forgiveness. Always love your comments!
Wow Kelli!! Are you reading my mind??!! Because your comments exactly match something that i felt today.. One of my family members offended me very badly today 🙁 and i felt very upset.. But then I was trying to forgive him and found that as a huge challenge. So I stopped trying that, took few deep breathes and told myself that I will not let anyone hurt me. I mean no one can hurt me if I don’t allow them to, right? And now I tried to forgive him but before that I told myself, I am forgiving him not for his sake but for myself. I told myself its purely for my well being and peace of mind. I chose to forgive him instead of forcing myself to forgive. After that I felt really better. And then I had a self-talk, giving loads of love to myself and assured myself that I would always be there for myself. After that I really felt better and forgiving him felt really easy and it came naturally. Believe it or not, just few hours after that, the one who offended me came to me and patched up things in real sweet manner!! See how fast things work once we shift our mind and raise our vibration.. So this was an exercise for me to realize that nothing happens from the outside but its all a perfect reflection of my inside world.
Thanks for your kind words 🙂 Feeling good..
Well, look at that. I always find that so interesting when it happens and just shows we are all plugged into a collective consciousness. No coincidences ever. Issues with family can be tough, I know that from experience. No one can quite hurt us in the same way, even when it is not exactly intentional. That is amazing you were able to shift the perspective so quickly–you have a very powerful mind. Your point about framing the forgiveness as something beneficial to yourself is so important. If we can remember to do that, rather than seeing it as an act that is bestowed upon the other person if we find them worthy, it becomes so much easier to let it go. You are so right about that..when we really get into a good state through and through, things can happen very quickly, sometimes instantaneously. Thanks for sharing this. I think anyone who reads this will find it super-helpful!
I totally get this.
I usually end up being the one getting affected, letting it get in the way of my work WHICH is a trainwreck. Producitivty suffers, I end up trying to rush things…sigh.
I’m still learning, trying to find ways to deal with people better.
This post came right on time 🙂
Hey Dennis
Thanks so much for stopping by. So glad you liked the post. Making the effort to change is a huge step in the right direction. Lots of us aren’t even there yet, still being totally reactive to everything that happens. We all move at our own pace I suppose. I imagine you have already made more progress than you think. I’m definitely still learning too…it’s definitely not something we can master quickly! I find just accepting the moments when I don’t act like I wish I did and not getting too down on myself helps me bounce back more quickly.
Hi Kelli,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I love your point about the collective consciousness.. It makes me feel the oneness and reminds me the fact that we are never alone.. Even I was surprised by the instantaneous manifestation and feeling good that I shifted something so quickly. But to be frank, the shift was not easy at all. Because when we are terribly upset we feel comfortable hating the offender and thinking all the reasons we should hate them and never forgive them. But this time I was conscious of my thoughts and feelings and I tried to feel better about myself first. Only when I felt better about myself I started trying to feel better about the person who hurt me and was able to forgive him. But all the while, my mind was giving me every reason to hate him and it just felt so comfortable to just keep blaming the other person for how I felt and hold him responsible for my feelings. But I started taking responsibility for my feelings and as you mentioned in the other post, I deliberately pulled myself out of my comfort zone and constantly kept feeling better even though it was very uncomfortable to change my thoughts from blaming someone else to make myself better by focusing on good feelings. I think since it was my first conscious attempt at something like this, it was so uncomfortable. I hope with practice it will become easier and comfortable. Nevertheless, I am happy I got some opportunity to see how I fare in facing a situation like this and this showed me practically how I can change my inner world and see the results in the physical world. Feeling empowered!! Now I am actually grateful for the offensive incident and my family member who hurt me!! Wow! Feels great! 🙂
Thanks
Hi Melisa. That is so true..we never are alone. Remembering that can be so helpful in so many different situations. I imagine that shift was not easy at all. Feeling hurt by other people can really bring us to a low place emotionally with so many powerful feelings all coming up at the same time. It’s interesting because when we think of moving to a higher vibing place, we think of having positive thoughts that feel all warm and fuzzy but sometimes, when we are feeling really badly, some of the initial better feeling thoughts are considered ‘negative’. Feeling anger towards the person can help shift energy from a place of pure hurt and then from there, we can keep moving up the ladder. Not holding other people responsible for how we feel can be extremely difficult–I myself still work on that. One of the reasons it is hard is because people can say and do things that can objectively be considered shitty, and it is understandable why we are upset.
It sounds like this experience was very powerful for you, and will set the stage for handling these situations very differently. It is always uncomfortable at first because it is new and we are fighting our old conditioning, but the more we do, the more natural this way of being feels to us. I love your comments so much.
Another great post, Kelli!
I totally agree with everything that you have to say and I think that this is quite an useful series because some of the suffering you mention is optional if we change our perspectives.
I am reminded of personas and archetypes with the movie reference that you provided. In creativity and innovation training and process, we talk a lot about the different personas. The set producer or the director is one of those personas. The idea is similar to the one you mention where in some cases we are the protagonists and in some cases we are the extras. Looking at things from a different perspective or that of a different persona does give a different eagle’s view to the problem. This gives a blast of relief because now we can truly empathize with other people’s points of view. In fact, the innovation company IDEO frequently uses the anthropologist and other personas to see others’ points of view. They send a team member to assume the role of a patient in a hospital for example and see everything from the patient’s point of view to better healthcare. Now it is easier to see from the irritated patient’s point of view. You are right when you say that everyone is going through something and triggered by stuff that is unrelated to us. The thing that brings me a great deal of relief is what Louise L. Hay, one of my teachers, says on this matter: Everyone is doing the best that they can with the knowledge, wisdom and understanding that they have. This is a deeply empathetic and compassionate stand.
I love the idea of taking ownership of what we refuse to do and making the hard choices. I think that this will immediately alleviate the resistance and brings the ball back to our court and leave us with options. When people even slightly believe that they have a choice, the energy transforms into something more mellow. I remember that Dr. Wayne Dyer saying in an audio that he used to not get along with his mother. Till the day that he decided to allow his mother to be herself and take ownership of what he was feeling and resisting. Sometimes lettings things be is the best option. But people want to fix everything and then run a mental movie of resistance and internal dialogue and wishing things were better. I think that best we can do is to be a role model and not be swept into the stories of other people and then feel resentful for having done so.
I like the part about the triggering reactions too because it is very key to become aware of the triggers and cues. As the research on habits from MIT suggests, triggers are followed by actions and then followed by rewards. I have begun believing some people like the tension and the strife caused by some triggers and take actions that causes them suffering like reacting etc. Unfortunately, the reward in this case is to keep the mind in a state of tension and stress and we all know that stress can be a reward too, although a negative one.
Thanks for a thought provoking post!
Harish
Hi Harish
I learn so much from your comments and always come away with at least one great insight which I know will stick in my head forever! What you said about learning to empathize with someone else’s point of view was so interesting, and can our interactions with people so much less stressful and more effective, whether we are talking about a personal relationship, professional or just the myriad random encounters we have with people.
The advice of Louise Hay is very powerful indeed–if we can just remember everyone has their own filter, based on their own experiences, beliefs and other individual factors, it is certainly easier to not get offended, take things personally or read too much into things. It is also great to help us examine our own filter, and like you said, foster compassion.
You hit the nail on the head with the insight about realizing we are choosing not to make those harder decisions–we get that sense of relief and not feeling like we are just being buffeted around by everything outside of us. We won’t feel like others are ‘victimizing’ us if we see we are consciously deciding not to pursue a specific course of action. I too agree that some people crave the drama and tension. It’s interesting because on a conscious level most people would think it is absurd but on a deeper level, this is serving them and giving them something they want and need. It is fascinating when we take the time to discover that deeper driver, because it makes things click and we can work on changing it.
Great stuff as always Harish!