Hi Kelli, firstly thank you for being there on this journey with me. (You’re welcome) How do you let go of someone, of a life, you thought was the manifestation you had been waiting for and you now miss terribly.
Manifestations Don’t Always Mean What You Think
If it wasn’t for our minds, this whole manifesting thing wouldn’t be the motherfucker it is, am I right?
FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, just because you didn’t get what your mind wanted, or things aren’t unfolding in the exact way your mind has been picturing, the way it believes things must happen, doesn’t mean anything went wrong.
Just because the specific guy you liked never ended up asking you out, or you didn’t get that specific job, doesn’t mean the law of attraction doesn’t ‘work.’
As a bit of an aside here…Want what you want, it’s fine. But I implore you to put your love of control to better use–managing your energy and inner world rather than using a bunch of tools and techniques to try and attract some very specific representation of your manifestation.
Just because something didn’t turn out exactly as expected doesn’t mean there is anything ‘wrong’ with your vibe, or the Universe hates you or has decided for some reason, it will not give you what you want.
If you want to save yourself a lot of unnecessary pain on this journey, you must have a willingness to suspend judgment on manifestations; you must be open to why something showed up for you, what in your vibe drew the experience or person to you.
Your manifestations might not always mean what your mind wants them to mean.
The next guy that shows up might not be the guy you walk down the aisle with. Maybe he isn’t supposed to stick around for the long-term. You’re not meant to get serious with him. He may be serving a purpose that has him in your orbit for a very short term.
So when he leaves, that is exactly what was supposed to happen. Nothing went wrong.
You can choose that perspective–after perhaps some very human venting and self-pity, no worries–or you can start whining and complaining how you will never meet anyone.
This is a choice you will be faced with constantly–choosing to believe things that make you feel better or worse about yourself, your life and this journey. This is really the crux of your ‘work’ when you think about it. If you love tools…no better tool than ‘choice.’
You can go into an emotional tailspin, doubting conscious creation, freaking out you will die alone. Then like most of us do, you can avoid dealing with all that emotional shit, and go on the hunt for a new tool or technique that will ‘fix’ the problem hopefully, that will allow you to get what you want without dealing with the messy business of your feelings.
We have to stop operating from that desperate space where we cling to anything that seems to check at least some of the boxes, where we get so attached to every little thing that shows up, terrified this might be the only shot.
As a fellow human, I totally get these tendencies. And while we want to cut ourselves some slack and make allowances for this ‘human factor’ we absolutely must not, cannot, FIGHT for these challenges and the difficulty of dealing with them. Fighting for them keeps us stuck in them.
Changing Your Manifesting Motivation
The only reason we suffer with these sorts of issues is because we are primarily doing our manifesting ‘work’ from a place of making the pain and ick go away. Don’t get me wrong. It’s okay you want to make your pain go away. But when the pain becomes the fuel of this journey…problems, problems, nothing but problems.
Pain is a great motivator for the action-oriented paradigm because what other than pain about our current circumstances would make us subject ourselves to us to bad-feeling action, working extremely hard, fighting against this and that, trying to force change externally for long stretches of time,etc…
But in the energy-paradigm, we see the problem with letting negative emotion be the driver. Your vibe is full of it, that is what you are focused on, so you can only manifest situations that mirror back that pain. If we remember the energy comes first, then the manifestation, that we remain in that space of pain, that we basically insist on remaining in it, is nothing but sheer insanity.
We think the boyfriend, the money, the weight loss, the new job or whatever else, will ‘fix’ our low-self esteem, our anxiety, our anger, and just that general feeling that pervades and weaves through all the others–that we just aren’t ‘okay’ or ‘safe.’
So when we are trying to manifest things we believe will make our pain go away, it is very hard to deal with when said things go away, especially when we believe it is so hard to attract them in the first place.
And not only are we dealing with the pain and mental chatter that was triggered by the event, but all the pain that has been there the WHOLE time, the pain you were looking to the manifestation to fix, but didn’t fix, as evidenced by feeling so despondent over the ‘failed’ manifestation.
Here’s the thing…when we don’t deal with festering shit, it gets kicked up every time something external happens with the potential to trigger it.
So, you’re not just upset right now about this failed relationship, you’re also still majorly upset about the three that came before this one.
So, you’re not just upset right now about your most recent failed business venture, you’re still upset and feeling deep shame about the failed business from last year.
So you’re not just upset right now about that missed business opportunity, but all the other ones that seemed to slip through your fingers as well over the years.
Now, if you had dealt with the shit of the past disappointments and debacles, would you still be upset about the issue at hand? Almost certainly…you’re human. But would it be as painful? Nowhere near it. No question.
It is very hard to become a truly happier person when we believe certain things outside of us are necessary to be happy, and we seem to have trouble acquiring and/or holding onto these things.
If you need X to be happy, then of course to your mind, we can’t possibly be happy now without it. It just isn’t possible.
While contrast is extremely valuable in that it can alert us to what sorts of changes we want to see in our life, what we prefer to experience, this value rapidly diminishes when it is the constant driver of your conscious creation ‘efforts.’
Other than helping you figure out what you want, it really won’t play any other positive role for you.
As long as you keep trying to manifest from a space of taking away the pain, that pain will keep showing up from all corners, no matter what you manifest. Any positive emotion you feel from something showing up that makes your mind happy will be very on the surface and perhaps very short- lived.
If you manage to manifest the money or the boyfriend while managing to sidestep some major ‘negative’ energy, I assure you it will leak out into some new area of your life, and you will FEEL the same exact way you did overall even though you got that one specific thing you wanted.
A manifestation may succeed in taking away a particular negative emotion–no more stress around the bills because you have money to pay them now–but it doesn’t automatically mean it will create any significant positive emotion.
And while your mind is perfectly happy to settle for the former–simply taking away the pain–what you really want is that deeper positive feeling, and you probably won’t get it because the lack of money was the never, ever the true reason this feeling was lacking in you.
As we all know, the lack of the ‘thing’ in our external reality is never the true problem–it’s the shitty-feeling story your mind weaved around its absence. So how can acquiring it be the solution? It can’t. Plain and simple. Sobering realization but ultimately freeing…trust me. The sooner you can drop the sense of ‘need’ the better off you will be.
When we manifest from a space of pain and contrast, all the ‘good’ stuff that shows up is usually showing up for a not-so-good reason. Sure a boyfriend happens to stumble into your orbit, but the part of your vibe that drew him in was your very low-self esteem so he ends up treating you pretty badly.
It wasn’t the part of your vibe that was oozing with self-love, wholeness and completeness because that part doesn’t exist because we don’t cultivate it. We spend too much time trying to figure out how to make the pain go away, trying to rearrange external circumstances to our liking so we can feel safe, okay, that everything is going according to ‘plan’ and what have you.
Your circumstances truly are not the cause of your feelings…it’s the story. I know this idea agitates the fuck out of your mind because it lives outside-in. I get it. But it doesn’t make it any less true.
What’s the Feedback?
If we can remember everything that we attract into our experience is nothing more than neutral vibrational feedback, unwanted manifestations, no matter how big or painful, become MUCH easier to deal with.
And you know why they become much easier to deal with? Because with this understanding, you start to see how all the painful stories you are telling about your circumstances are just that…stories, not any sort of objective, indisputable fact. Shitty, untrue stories that were concocted by a mind that has no idea what is going on, that is working with a very limited consciousness and information.
You aren’t attracting shitty boyfriends because you are just unlucky, there are no good guys where you live, you are broken,etc…
You are attracting shitty boyfriends because you have really low-self esteem, and if you don’t regard yourself very highly, you can only attract people who hold you in a similar regard. LOA 101. Just NEUTRAL feedback.
Your business isn’t struggling because you aren’t good at what you do, people can’t afford your services, the competition has you beat, the economy is bad,blah,blah,blah.
Your business is struggling because you feel guilty receiving money for your services, you lack confidence in your abilities, you are still really scared this business will fail like the last one, you are focused more on ‘getting’ than ‘giving’ and you aren’t sharing your talents and wisdom freely and generously.
No situation has any inherent, objective meaning that applies across the board to everyone.
We have a circumstance…being out of work, getting broken up with, being single, looking for a new job, being overweight, just got divorced, fired by a client.
So, what does it mean? What does it mean if you are single? What does it mean if you got fired? What does it mean if you are overweight?
Essentially NOTHING. But our mind automatically tells a story about our circumstances, and these stories are almost never good. In fact, not only are they not good, they are incredibly painful.
And the more attached you are to your manifestation, the more painful that story is. And if you are trying to manifest from a space of intense pain…good luck.
But these stories aren’t true. Nothing is ever happening for the reasons our mind thinks they are.
So you are faced with a choice here. Embrace the perspective of neutral feedback, or keep clinging to the painful story and all the energetic ‘ick’ that comes along with it.
You’re Human, Deal with It
Shit happens and you’ll be upset about it. It’s really not the problem we make it out to be.
You can practically be the Buddha but you feel devastated when your husband of 20 years comes out as gay or you find out your child has cancer.
You can spend most of your days floating on a cloud of enlightenment, but you come crashing down when you find out your ex-boyfriend is getting married or family members were saying really hurtful things behind your back.
Unless we devote ourselves to some sort of existence where we totally remove ourselves from the worldly life, we will get caught up in said worldly life. It is unlikely we will reach the same level of spiritual growth as a monk who spends his whole life focused within.
Most of us don’t want that life, we don’t want to go that deep and it’s fine. But if we are going to live a ‘regular’ life we have to make peace with the fact we may never transform our inner world to the degree we technically could. We have to make peace with the fact we may never rein in our ‘humanness’ to the degree we technically could.
As long as you want anything to any degree, as long as you want to make your external reality look a certain way, all the mental ‘stuff’ that gets kicked up may always be there to some degree–attachment, expectation, manipulating channels, fear, etc…
You are here having a human experience, so you won’t always be plugged into the energy of ‘big’ you at all times. If you were, you wouldn’t be here. The outside world, as illusory as it is, is very, very seductive and draws us in very easily.
I gave up long ago trying to ‘eliminate’ my negative emotion and be ‘happy’ all the time. On an intellectual level we all know how crazy this goal sounds, but on a deeper level, this is pretty much the ultimate goal of any growth-oriented person.
And this is understandable because it is your pain that got you on the path in the first place.
I talk a lot about indulging and engaging negative emotion. And this isn’t because I romanticize our exquisite emotional pain or because I think the personal growth journey is supposed to be this deep, serious thing where we are constantly squaring off against some demon or another.
I’m not encouraging you to always be on the lookout for pain, always digging for it and then ‘fixing’ it.
When I talk about dealing with your pain, I am talking about the pain that is already there, that you know is there, that doesn’t seem to be going away on its own,that all the external tools, techniques and healing modalities used thus far haven’t been able to eliminate.
Whether you like it or not, it’s there.
Whether you ‘should’ feel that way or not, it’s there.
Whether you want to deal with it or not, it’s there.
So what’s the play going to be? Continue to ignore and suppress, hoping you can pile enough positive emotion on top to ‘hide’ it, or purge it so it isn’t weighing down your vibration anymore, undermining all the positive emotion you are working so hard to cultivate?
Cry. Get angry. Be sad. Don’t be so quick to fight off the depression and anxiety… lean into it, let yourself be with it and see what it is showing you.
It’s really not that bad, and is the most direct route to the happiness you seek. Your call.
What did you think? Anything resonate in particular? How do you handle things when they don’t go your way? Anything you would add? Looking forward to your comments as always.
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