Except for people who devote their lives to enlightenment, and retire from a worldly existence to wander the mountainside or live in a cave, our fellow humans will be a major source of angst, stress and other negative emotions for the rest of us. When you have so many beings of various backgrounds, belief systems, and what have you, inhabiting the same space, you have a recipe for endless combinations of conflict and unpleasantness.
We experience so much suffering at the hands of our fellow humans, whether it was inflicted intentionally or not. Often it is seemingly small things that rub us the wrong way, but given the frequency of these situations, it can add up to big-time problems. We carry a lot of ‘stuff’ internally that seeps out, and can be a major player as well.
As someone who has made the pursuit of peace and happiness a top priority in life, this is a topic of great interest to me, and I wanted to share some insights that have helped me greatly. So, here you go….
Don’t Hold Others Responsible for How You Feel
This is one of the most profound, yet most challenging, ways to improve your interactions with your fellow humans. This is a lesson I’m still learning all the time, and while I haven’t mastered it, I have made enough of a dent where it has changed my life pretty dramatically. Being engaged to a very wise, spiritually advanced person who never hesitates to call me out on my shit has given me plenty of practice.
Nothing will take away our power, and sap our emotional and mental energy, like holding other people responsible for how we feel. Because we are imperfect creatures lacking guru-like control over our minds and emotions, we do it all the time, and it’s understandable.
It is very easy to blame other people for how we feel. After all, they said or did something that we perceived as shitty in some way, and we had some sort of reaction. Had they not done or said this thing, we would be perfectly fine right now. So, by this logic, yes, it is their fault we are now feeling some sort of emotional yuck.
But, this is not true. No matter what other people say and do, how we respond is all about us. Something is being activated within, whether it is a particular insecurity, the doubts we hold about our decisions and belief systems, or that part of us that knows there may be some truth to the criticism being thrown our way. And, when this happens, we do not like this, we do not like it one bit. Going within and examining what is happening is never fun, and it is so much easier to just blame the other person, for what we are experiencing.
This can be a really uncomfortable exercise, but so worth it. Anything we can do that keeps the ‘ball in our court’ is a good use of our energy. Always leaving ourselves at the mercy of things outside of ourselves creates a victim mentality, which will negatively pervade every aspect of our experience.
Set Some Standards and Boundaries AND Stick to Them
I can’t remember who said it, but once I heard this little tidbit, it was like a lightbulb went off—we teach other people how to treat us. Kind of like taking responsibility for our feelings, we have to take on the responsibility of making sure people are treating us the way we deserve to be treated. So many people suffer at the hands of others for the sheer fact they have never established any sort of standards or boundaries.
One example that comes to mind is women lamenting they can’t find a good guy, and one of the reasons is a complete lack of bare minimum standards. When talking about their ideal partner, they are naming qualities, such as respect and kindness, as if they are something to strive for and ‘would be nice.’
These traits should not be on the same level as a sense of humor or sharing your same hobbies and interests. These are qualities that are just a given, something you wouldn’t think twice about. But they’re often not regarded in this way, and because of this, women end up rationalizing, and making excuses for men, who they should have never let into their orbit in the first place.
Set standards for the people who you will have relationships with, whether in the romance, friend or family department. Don’t waste your time with people who bring you down, don’t respect you or take advantage of you. I read a really great analogy on a blog once likening this process to the entry requirements set by a night club. Without those base criteria, the club would just be filled with crap and all the good people will go elsewhere.
And, learn to set some boundaries too. Listen, you can’t expect to change people so they act in a way that is more pleasing to you. But, what you can do is make it clear that in order to interact with you, they must adhere to certain guidelines during your encounters, and not to expect you to do certain things. You are not telling them they need to change, but simply that you won’t accept certain behaviors in your presence.
So, if you are sick of your mother criticizing the man you married, and you have no plans on divorcing anytime soon, make it clear that the matter is no longer up for discussion. If your mother-in-law insists on dropping by unannounced, and you are sick of it, let her know she needs to call first, or she just may be turned away the next time she shows up on your doorstep. If your sister comes to you with every little problem, expecting you to solve it, you have to decide where your personal line is, and let her know she will have to handle certain things on her own.
Now, this whole boundaries thing can be a challenge—speaking up and letting people know what is bothering us, and what we really want, can be really uncomfortable because it is often a foreign concept for many of us. We just hold everything in, while our stress, and general mental and emotional turmoil, skyrocket. Decide today that you will change this. Even if you just start slowly and tackle one issue with one person, you are well on your way.
Everything is a Mirror
I had to throw a little law of attraction into this because an openness to applying this principle in our dealings with people can dramatically change your world, and I couldn’t leave out something that has such potential to help you. You see, everything in our life is a mirror to what is going on inside of us. We hold certain beliefs and have certain feelings. The predominant ones will set the stage for what comes into our life, including people, and the nature of our interactions with them.
So, if you are having a lot of issues in your life with family, friends,etc., or seem to always draw in people that cause you problems in some way, it is because something within you is a match to them and the subsequent experiences.
For example, if you have really low self-esteem and don’t respect yourself, you will attract lots of people and situations that reflect this belief back to you such as people disrespecting you, saying hurtful things or making you feel less-than in some way.
So, by working on your inner world, and shifting some negative beliefs and feelings, you can dramatically alter your outside world, including your dealings with other people. We tend to think of LOA in terms of ‘getting stuff,’ but it can be useful for so many other aspects of our lives.
If you commit to this work, you will be amazed at the changes you see. Once you weaken negative beliefs and feelings that lead to negative interactions, you will experience less of them. You will bring more awesome people into your life, which reflect your higher energy beliefs.
And as for the people already in your life who are causing you trouble in some way, know you can’t create in their reality and cause any changes in them. But, with this work, you can line up with different ‘versions,’ leading many issues you may have had with them to clear up or at least drastically reduce, depending on how much you can shift the belief.
As you know, most people have good and ‘bad’ aspects of their personality, have good days and bad days, good moods and bad moods. They are just not one way every waking moment.
So, if you shifted a belief that all people in positions of authority are giant jerks, you would probably have more encounters with your boss when he is feeling a bit more benevolent, rather than when he is being a bit of a condescending d-bag. He’ll still be that way sometimes, but if you have gotten rid of that belief, you won’t have experiences that reflect that because it isn’t there anymore.
If there is a part of you that feels doubtful or lacks confidence in your chosen life, you probably line up with a lot of experiences where you find family members or other people criticizing you, which only fuels these uncomfortable feelings. If you worked on feeling more confident about your life path, you would catch these people in moments when they weren’t in much of a criticizing and questioning mood, and when they are more understanding of what you are doing, or they wouldn’t come into your orbit when they were in this mode, because again, you’re no longer a match for these types of encounters.
Now, it can take time to shift certain beliefs depending on how strong they are, but you don’t have to aim for perfection here. As it gets weaker, the negative encounters will reduce along with it. When it comes to working with LOA in any capacity, don’t set your sights on creating some perfect life devoid of any negative experience. I’m sure that’s possible, but not necessary.
So, there you have part 1 on my musings to deal with people more effectively and in a way that maximizes our well being. I hope you enjoyed the post and had at least one ‘ah ha’ moment that you can carry with you into our own work.
Please let me know your thoughts in the comments. What are your main pain points with others? What strategies do you adopt to interact with your fellow man more successfully? What are you doing that you think you should be doing differently? What point resonated with you the most? Looking forward to your thoughts so we can have a nice chat.
Are you secretly stalking my life? Because it feels that way sometimes. Lol
These past few weeks have been ALL about setting boundaries, which is something that doesn’t come naturally to non-confrontational people pleasers. 🙂
I have no problems setting standards on how I am treated, but I’ve also had to learn to set boundaries for my time & energy. Recently I came to the realization that I was way over-committed, and that meant that some unpaid side projects had to go.
Although I was very professional and promised to fulfill all current commitments, I explained to certain people that I would not be taking on any more. It did not go over well, and one person reacted quite aggressively. Initially I was very hurt by her anger, but I took some time to sit and examine my feelings.
I accepted that I did feel guilty for backing out of this project even though it had become a major source of stress and anxiety, and the people-pleaser part of me was having trouble dealing with someone else’s unhappiness. Ultimately I had to make a conscious decision to let these negative emotions go, and remind myself that just as others are not responsible for my feelings, neither am I responsible for theirs.
And don’t even get me started on the boundaries I just had to set with my VERY emotionally-draining neighbor who knocks on my door 10 times a day…Lol
Have a great week, Kelli!
Hello
Isn’t that funny how that happens? I do think there is some sort of collective consciousness and most of my blog post ideas float into my head the day I write them. The idea is coming from somewhere and perhaps I am simply picking up on something some readers are thinking about.
Yeah, setting boundaries is usually an uncomfortable experience for all but the most confident, I don’t give a crap about what you think type of person, or the super-wise, spiritually advanced crowd.
It was good that you were able to realize where you were overextending yourself AND decide to take action on it..that second part is where we can drop the ball. We try to convince ourselves we can keep going because we want to avoid confrontation like the plague. It’s good that you sat with the feelings because our natural tendency is to just try and convince ourselves everything is fine and that we ‘shouldn’t’ feel a certain way so we just need to kick it out. But, when we do that, stuff gets unresolved and we don’t move on from the situation as quickly and smoothly as we could. One thing I have learned from my study of LOA is that a lot of things we feel we ‘have’ to do regardless of how badly they make us feel is that we don’t have to do them..we just need to muster up the courage to walk away. Doing what you did is the type of stuff that creates huge shifts in energy and will allow in situations that are more ideal for you and a better match overall.
Neighbor stuff is hard because it is not as easy to stay under the radar…good for you for doing that! Sounds like you made some major headway in the boundaries department quite quickly.
Thanks as always for sharing your insights and experiences..always love reading your comments. You have a great week too!
Hi KC,
Everything is a mirror, and you get what you see. Or you get what you choose to accept. So, accept only the best folks who come your way and you’ll attract more of these wonderful people. No better way to solve your people problems. Thanks KC! Tweeting now.
Ryan
Hey Ryan
You are so right about that and it may not be something we realize until we step back and reflect on things. It is kind of amazing actually that working within can change what we attract into our life as far as people are concerned. Thanks so much!
Kelli,
BTW, we at Blogging from Paradise are so excited to see your guest post soon 🙂
Ryan
It’s coming..I promise!
Kelli,
I always love reading your posts because sometimes it seems like you’ve read my mind. I really needed to hear this today. My personal blog has been FLOODED with comments, many more than I’ve ever experienced, and so many of them are just plain cruel and hateful. Of course I delete them, but that doesn’t mean I don’t read them first, and it’s really hard to shake off the things people say sometimes!
My first thought was to turn off comments, but then people just commented on other posts, social media comments and even direct emails! It seems there’s nowhere to hide, so I guess the answer is to develop more self-confidence so the negative things they say don’t get me down. I’d love to hear any tips you have on the subject!
(PS– I’m not sure I’m getting notified when you respond to my comments…)
Brittany
Hi Brittany,
The technique I use to cheer up myself when I feel offended or let down by others is to think of myself as a person playing different roles. For example, if I am feeling that my boss was harsh with me for something that I am not responsible at all, I feel very upset. But then I would stop and remind myself that its just Melisa, The Employee who is upset and its not Melisa who is upset. I mean Melisa is not just an employee, she is Melisa.. I just stop feeling frustrated over how unfair or depressing the situation is and remind myself that its not affecting the big ME. Also I remind myself of my other roles like Melisa, The Daughter which is perfect at the moment and is bringing me happiness. So for you, its Brittany, The Writer who feels trapped and wants to hide. But the real Brittany, The Big You would feel at peace even with the cruel comments. Also your other roles like Brittany, The Friend may feel awesome at the moment and you can focus on that for a while till you feel better. This technique just came to me during a meditation recently and have helped me a lot to handle situations like this. Hope this is helpful to you too.. Please give it a try 🙂
Cheers!
Hey Melisa
I loved, loved, loved this. Such a simple yet powerful way to shift our thinking. I am going to remember to do this myself!
Thank Kelli 🙂 Your kind words made my day.. Hope your day starts as bright as mine.. Eagerly awaiting Part II of this post..
Thanks for your support..it means so much to me! Hope you enjoy the second part!
Melisa,
What a great tip! I’ll definitely be trying that one. Thanks so much for sharing!
Brittany
Thanks Brittany 🙂 Glad that you find it useful..
Hey Brittany
Thanks so much..perhaps I’m tapping into the collective consciousness of people who read it on a regular basis when deciding on my posts! I think most people would have a similar reaction, particularly if we did not think we were writing something that would be so controversial and ruffle so many feathers.
Religion is always a hot button topic, and you have a lot of people who are just very against it in any form, and they would have attacked you on the blog whether you were writing about being a Mormon, a Catholic or a Jew. Those people are particularly sensitive these days too I think because of a growing number of religious people fighting to shape our laws and public policy based on the belief of one group of people. Most people can’t resist the urge to argue, be contrarian or put down others who don’t see the world in the way they do–they are not interested in simply sharing an opinion to get a dialogue going. They just want to tell everyone else how stupid they are. And, if people with a different religious belief stopped by and didn’t agree, well, they can’t let that slide either.
It feels good when people agree with us, and badly when it doesn’t. The feeling bad is triggered by a host of things, from perhaps being a sensitive person and a desire to be liked to an uncomfortable challenging of our own belief systems. This happens to the best of us because let’s face it…none of us really know definitively what is happening beyond our physical reality. We have either adopted a belief system that makes the most sense to us (which is what I imagine you did as someone who converted to a different religion), or simply were taught to believe in a specific faith without any sort of questioning, and kind of just blindly accept what we are told. But, admitting this can be difficult because we worry it means we are ‘wrong’ about what we believe. This questioning is helpful though because it can serve to strengthen your belief system if it is generally strong, or perhaps lead to some shifting of beliefs that don’t quite make sense to ones that suit us better. And, with this shoring up of what is going on inside, people disagreeing with you won’t feel as badly and it won’t bother you as much.
And, there is always the option to not write about religion if you are interested in avoiding situations like this. It’s okay to take the path of greatest peace. We don’t necessarily need to talk about all aspects of our life and that doesn’t mean we are ashamed of them, are trying to hide something,etc…it just means we are avoiding headaches and unnecessary angst. You have your faith and your beliefs and you know that is your truth…that is all that matters.
Kelli,
You made some great points here. I really appreciate the time you took to help me tackle my individual situation.
I think this particular situation was surprisingly difficult for me because it brought back some of the stress I felt when I was making the change to a new belief system, back to the time when I wasn’t sure my family would ever accept me. I have to remind myself that these people really are strangers, people I’ll probably never meet, and it’s okay if they don’t like me! It’s hard not to take things personally when you’re a really sensitive person, that’s true.
I do feel good, though, about sharing what means the most to me. Despite any controversy that might arise, I can’t think of a better reason to be out there blogging than to share the things that inspire you with others. I’ll never go out there with the intention of causing or engaging in conversations that cause hurt to anyone, but I strongly believe in sharing what inspires us to be better and do better. Often those beliefs include topics related to my religion, sometimes they don’t, but in my opinion those positive messages are always worth sharing!
I so appreciate the uplifting things you share here, and the inspiration you give me. Thanks again for your reply!
Brittany
Hey Brittany
My pleasure..I’m glad you found the response helpful. You’re right..these people are strangers who would never have found you otherwise without the good old internet. That is makes us accessible to all different people is a double-edged sword. It sounds like discussing your faith is important to you and that it is coming from a good place so that is the most important thing to consider when making decisions.
It is really interesting about the memory the situation brought up for you. One of the most powerful tools for seeing how certain situations happen to us from an LOA perspective is asking ourselves how a certain unwanted situation made us feel, and memories of past situations that felt the same way are usually one of the first things to pop into our heads. That feeling of worrying people won’t accept you for who you are is probably still floating around in there somewhere, perhaps not as strong as it was, but there nonetheless. Just wanted to share that extra tidbit because that is the first thing that popped into my mind when you said that.
You’re awesome and you just keep sharing whatever you feel inspired to share, regardless of the subject matter!
Who would leave hateful comments on a really nice blog like yours Brittany???
Kelli, I finally got to read Part1! I love the Everything is a Mirror part. Im a definite believer in that.
It’s great to be around people and bloggers that understand things like this and are downright great people. Feels great! 🙂
Hi again! It is so interesting about the mirror thing when we really start to pay attention. We realize that our internal world is shaping our experience, including the type of people we bring into our lives and the types of conflicts we seem to experience. When we shift our beliefs and feelings, we can see amazing changes in how people treat us, even though they have not really changed at all. I too love connecting with people who understand things like this!
Great post, Kelli!
I totally agree that we should not hold others responsible for how we feel. This is a major source of angst and you are right that we do it all the time. It is almost as if people are sometimes waiting to be emotionally upset over the next thing that triggers them. The only problem is that the Universe provides them some situation or person for that to materialize. So if it is not the usual person that upsets them that they can blame, someone new shows up. It is an addiction to drama and emotional upset that is very much a reaction. The gap between the action or trigger and the reaction (the response ) is the one that needs to be resolved and made larger. I have found that mental rationalization only partially soothes the emotions. I think other modalities like deep relaxation, meditation, yoga etc can have a lasting impact on the reaction time and make the emotional response a lot more mild. The days I practice, I feel like incidents are not a big deal and my response to them more happy. When I am well rested and hydrated, I do not things so personally also. Here is one topic that I differ from many other personal development bloggers and authors. They advise avoiding negative people and people who do not support and evoke an emotional response. But unfortunately, avoidance and resistance only perpetuate the problem and the Universe serves up another person or situation to frustrate. I have found transcending, empathy and learning from difficult people and situations to be more effective because it does not avoid and lets go without resistance. It is the flexibility to be prepared for any situation or person. positive or negative.
I also agree that we need to set the proper boundaries and standards. People do treat us as we treat ourselves and I see that all the time. Some people do not set standards and then lament that they are not treated properly and not getting what they want. the simple solution would be the ancient wisdom reflected in many traditions: Ask and you shall get it. But so many people have problems setting the boundaries and asking for what they desire because they do not want to appear as difficult. But they end up being taken for granted. The real issue might be one of not feeling true self-worth. People give and give and give. And hesitate to receive back and their wish is followed. When the principle of reciprocity is not followed, someone ends up feeling resentful eventually. Even though giving should be unconditional and not aimed at receiving back, the giver should not be taken for granted, And if they are, they are not setting the correct framework of boundaries and structures to be respected.
Thanks for a great post!
Harish
Hi Harish
Thanks so much for your comment..you have such amazing insights that are so interesting to read. I totally agree about how our feelings attract people and situations that mirror that back to us. Like you said, it may be a particular person or someone completely different but the experience will exactly the same as whatever they are feeling now does. That is truly how LOA works and that is something I think most people don’t realize.
You are so right that we need to also adopt more ‘holistic’ strategies that really get at the root of what is happening. Like you said, the mental rational approach can only take us so far, and is just one piece of the puzzle. That is such an interesting point you bring up about simply avoiding the situations–that can be a helpful step but you are so right about the same things continuing to happen if we don
t shore up our energy and beliefs that led to these types of conflicts and people coming into our life in the first place. Doing ‘positive’ things isn’t enough if we aren’t dealing with all the ‘crap’ too because it will still continue to affect our manifestations.
I agree with your point about people not speaking up for fear of being difficult, continuing to give and give without any regard for what they are receiving back for all this effort. I think many people have a strong fear of being labeled ‘selfish’ and in an effort to avoid this label, take things way too far on the other end of the spectrum. The word has a negative connotation but at the core it is about acting in your own self-interest, and that does not automatically equate to being a bad thing. If we are not truly hurting others, we should proceed as we wish. That is my motto and it has worked quite well for me!
Thanks again for such great insights!
You are most welcome, Kelli!
And thanks a lot for the kind words. The mirror thing is very accurate and I agree that people do not 100% realize how they are shaping and crafting their reality. I mean if someone is not in a co-operative mood and chooses to see the world as a hostile place, even a smile or a good gesture seems like it is a personal attack. So in a way, people are transferring their moods and their states of mind to the world around themselves. This position is not obvious to the person doing it or the person receiving the behavior. This can be best appreciated by a neutral third party who is in a different vantage point of observation.
I think that is what meditation, relaxation and stillness do..take people into the role of a third party witness for themselves because the judging mind has to calm down and observe. It observes thoughts and then patterns and then behaviors. But similar to the external things, the internal journey is not easy and takes much practice and dedication.
Thanks for a great post,
Harish
Hi Harish
I totally agree with what you said about meditation..I always use that metaphor of it helping you adopt a third party perspective. It really is an amazing tool for helping us analyze our behavior from a more productive and insightful space.