Stuck in the Muck of Your Past? 4 Ways to Ease the Pain and Move Forward

Sometimes when I look back on the things that have happened to me in the past, or things I have done, I majorly cringe. A lot of yucky feelings wash over me, like shame, embarrassment, anger and sadness. There are times when the feelings are as raw as if these events just happened yesterday, and not years ago.

So, I can’t make any claims of having totally released my ‘demons.’ But, what I can say with confidence is I have made great strides in keeping my past from interfering with my present; it doesn’t drag me down as much. On one hand, it isn’t that challenging—there is great power in making firm decisions to be a better person and a happier person. Just that alone can really get the ball rolling.

But, on the other hand, it can be really fracking hard. The bad things that have happened to us play such a huge role in shaping our beliefs and view of the world; they really do a number on our mental state, self-esteem, and the view we have of ourselves and what type of life is possible for us. These experiences have permeated our being to its very core. And just ‘letting it go,’ while possible in theory, is rarely so easy in practice.

I know I have a ways to go; I hope to one day reach a point where I totally release it all once and for all. Maybe that will happen and maybe it won’t. And if it’s the latter—though not ideal—I’m okay with it.

In all the work I have done on myself, I have made a pleasant discovery that you can be happy, and things can get significantly better, without the need to completely ‘fix’ ourselves. We can power on despite any ‘issues’ that may linger. I will never stop trying to become better, because I know it is possible, but as time goes on, my need for ‘perfection’ is weakening.

Things from my past still haunt me—big things, and things that just seem big but I know really aren’t—but like I said earlier, I have found ways to lessen the pain, and I hope that sharing my insight will help you do the same.

Learn to Forgive Yourself

No one is harder on us than we are on ourselves. The judgment, criticism and self-loathing we inflict can be quite severe, and most of us don’t even realize the full extent of it. I never considered myself someone that engaged in a lot of negative self-talk or ‘hated’ myself, but once I started paying more attention to my thoughts, I saw I was like this a lot of the time.

When I would think of things from my past I regretted doing, I realized I was harboring a lot of anger towards myself for having made the decisions I did. I was super-pissed at myself for being ‘weak’ and not being able to just get over it. I was mad about how I let the past affect so much of my present, and how I could have handled things differently. All those wasted years of suffering that could have been avoided if I had just tried harder, sooner.

But, once I started showing more compassion for the ‘old’ Kelli who did these things, and the ‘Kelli’ now who was not handling the situation in the preferred way, things got better. The memories had less of an emotional pull. The negative reactions to the memories didn’t last as long because I had removed that extra layer of emotional turmoil that comes from being upset at being upset.

Your Life is Like a Book and You are the Author

One of the biggest problems in creating a better life, and being a happier person, is giving too much weight to the past when determining what is possible for us in the present moment. Maybe we had a really bad childhood, experienced an abusive marriage, or suffered some sort of tragedy; and now we believe we will forever be marred by that damage—any hope of a good, normal life is not possible because we have been touched by such terrible things, things that have caused us such suffering.

And while it is understandable these types of situations can affect you big time, it is important to realize they don’t have to define your time on this Earth. Yes, you may struggle with the memories, or constantly fight the destructive behaviors and habits that may have been borne of these circumstances. But, this does not mean these experiences have to put a big old shadow over the rest of your life.

Think of your life like a book, and you as the author. You are in control of the story. You can make your life whatever you want it to be. You have tremendous power to shape your experience, no matter what has happened to you. You have a choice.

Consider How Holding on Is Serving You

This can be a hard one to wrap your head around because on a conscious level, it seems ludicrous that we would purposely do anything that would contribute to our unhappiness. But, us humans are a funny bunch, and we have all this weird stuff floating beneath the surface of which we are not fully aware. And if we are engaging in certain behaviors, it is because it is providing us with some benefit. Somehow your inability to let go of the past is serving you, is giving you something you want.

Maybe it allows you to keep punishing someone who feels really guilty about wronging you in some way, and you benefit from this guilt in countless ways. Maybe you find deep, emotional upset gratifying in some way—that exquisite pain can be oh- so -delicious.

Maybe the bad things that have happened to you get you a lot of attention, and it would lessen if you appeared to have ‘moved on.’ Maybe these things have become such a strong part of your identity, and you wouldn’t know who you were anymore if these past problems were no longer a central theme in your ‘story.’

Give this one some thought. Once you realize why you are holding on, it will be much easier to let go.

Stop Romanticizing the Road Not Taken

When we compare our actual life, full of all the struggles and problems that are happening in real time, to the life that we might have had if we made different decisions, guess what is always going to win out?

The road not taken is highly romanticized; we think of all the good things that would be happening to us if we had taken a different career path, married someone else or accepted that promotion and moved abroad.

We are convinced many of the problems we have now wouldn’t exist. And maybe some of them wouldn’t, but chances are you would have a different set of challenges. And, ultimately, you have no idea how your life would have turned out had you done things differently, which means you have no idea if it would have been better.

If it is possible to do any of these things now, find a way to do them. Figure out what isn’t working for you, and see where changes can be made. Think about the good things that have happened throughout your life—I imagine your existence, even if it has not been ideal, has not been a total crap hole.

As for those ships that have forever sailed, and may no longer be possible, like having children or becoming a supermodel, remember again– you have no idea how your life would have played out, and if those decisions would have made you any happier than you are now.

Being a happy person is not about being happy all the time; having a good life is not about never having challenges, or never having been touched by ‘bad ‘ stuff.’ No matter what has happened in your past, you can let it go, and move forward.

You don’t totally have to wipe your mind clean, nor do you have to totally ‘get over it.’ You just have to find ways to cope with your ‘stuff’ in a healthy way, and not let it drag you down too much. That is what I have learned to do, and it is working quite well for me.