Wouldn’t it just be absolutely fabulous if we all accepted everyone for who they are, and supported each other’s choices? Even if it’s not our cup of tea, so what? To each his own. You do your thing and I’ll do mine.
But, as many people who have gone against the grain in any way come to discover, events often unfold in a very different manner, a manner that makes us feel all kinds of icky, and can really throw us off our game.
Us humans are social creatures and as such, we naturally have an inclination to be accepted by the pack. We don’t want to be the outcasts. We want some sort of tribe.
And when we choose a path that other people don’t understand, support or approve of, it doesn’t feel good, plain and simple. Because we are not totally confident in our decisions, and have our own unique blend of insecurities, this negative feedback is going to trigger all of that big time.
We start to question if we are doing the’ right’ thing, if we are dreaming ‘too big’ or if we will even get what we want. And anyone who has experienced that questioning knows how freaking uncomfortable it is and how crappy it makes us feel.
You are just trying to be happy, and why can’t people support the decisions that will help you get there? You’re not hurting anyone…what is the problem here? This can lead to a lot of resentment, which can further sour relationships.
The interesting thing about this problem is it isn’t just something that pops up for people who are doing really big and bold things, or making a major departure from convention.
All sorts of seemingly benign choices can bring this issue to light, and it can feel just as badly.
I have some first hand experience with this. My family wasn’t exactly jumping for joy at my choice to live this location-independent lifestyle. I heard many variations of the ‘I’m happy for you but….’ statements.
There was a lot of guilt leaving my mother because my father had died a few years prior to starting our trip. And while I can’t make any claims I have overcome it fully, I did make the realization that this attitude of guilt was a bit arrogant on my part.
By feeling badly about my choice in so far as its effect on her, I was saying that my mother was incapable of handling life without me, that she did not have the power to create her own happiness. I was diminishing her, and anytime we diminish anyone else, we are actually diminishing ourselves as well.
Well, went off on a bit of tangent there, but I thought a lot of people would find that little tidbit helpful because guilt is a major player for many people in their own struggles with other people not being happy with their choices.
It can be hard enough working through our own ‘stuff’ when we are trying to build the life we really want, and knowing other people don’t support us, understand us, aren’t happy for us, or don’t approve, is something we could frankly do without.
If that is part of your reality right now, and you aren’t able to just shake it off, it is understandable. And it would behoove you to work on dealing with what is coming up, especially if you are not exactly feeling great about your path in the moment. Chances are, this is a major contributor to the funk.
Validation is Nice but It Might Not Come from Where You Want It
Because we are not fully sure about ourselves and our choices, validation is really nice. Sometimes we really need it to keep on keeping on. It makes us feel good to know other people get what we are doing and understand why we want the things things want.
Receiving words of encouragement, and support ,make all the difference in the world when we are feeling unsure, obstacles pop up or we are just having a really bad day.
We are all prone to moments of doubt, fear, wanting to give up and not being sure if we have what it takes to get our desired result. It is nice to to have people to turn to that will lift us up and help us get back on track.
We want to be able to talk to people about our struggles without having them tell us that we should give up, just do something else instead or anything that smacks of ‘I told you so.’
So, yeah, nothing wrong with wanting that validation. But, when we feel really badly that it isn’t being served up to us by certain people, and we think we can’t truly feel good about pursuing our path without their blessing, we are setting ourselves up for a world of hurt.
For whatever reason, there are certain people in our lives from whom we want approval. Their lack of support really eats at us. We feel an intense need to have them accept us and our choices. And if they don’t, we have a really hard time dealing.
I get it. It hurts. It is frustrating. It’s making things more difficult for you. Life would be so much easier if they offered up their love, support and understanding, or at the very least, refrained from crapping all over your life if that is a tendency they have.
But, you can’t decide you need this validation from specific people to feel better. You have to take it where you can get it, and it might not be from those you want it from most.
Maybe at some point they’ll come around, or maybe they won’t. That is something you have to accept.
Just because they don’t agree with what you are doing or understand, doesn’t mean you are doing anything wrong. How they are responding to you has zero to do with you, and is all about them.
Connect with the people who do get it, who do understand, who do believe in what you are doing. The more you soak up that positive energy, the less this lack of support will bother you. The less you will crave that validation from these specific people.
The More It Bothers You, The Less Clear You Are about Your Choices
Just like everything anyone says or does to you is all about them, how you feel about other people’s lack of support and understanding, is all about you lovey.
Again, we all have our doubts and insecurities, and it is part and parcel of the human experience. And these doubts and insecurities are usually the primary culprit in making us feel so badly about other people criticizing, judging, questioning and what have you.
The more it bothers us, the less clear we are about our decisions, and instead of focusing our efforts outward by explaining ourselves, arguing our point of view and trying to get people ‘on our side,’ we need to turn inward.
Yes, I know it is much easier to blame other people for making us feel badly, but doing this makes life infinitely harder. First off, we will always be at the mercy of outside forces when it comes to our mood and how we feel about ourselves. And secondly, we have no control over other people and we can’t make them act or think differently.
The only thing we can control is our own feelings and responses. And instead expending your effort trying to get people to come around so they no longer trigger the yuck inside of you, you want to dive into said yuck and clear it out.
You have to honestly examine why it bothers you so much that other people don’t seem to support or understand you. You have to be honest with yourself about your fears and doubts. What are you afraid of? What specific doubts do you have about the choices you are making? Where are you lacking clarity about your path? Why do you need these people to approve?
You might be afraid to go here and think it is easier to just push that all aside. There may be some discomfort in acknowledging there are some ‘chinks in your armor’ and you are maybe not as confident as you think you are in your choices. Bringing your insecurities into the light for deeper scrutiny can be unpleasant.
But, if you willing to do this, there will be less ‘stuff’ to be triggered , and other people just not getting it won’t bother you as much.
You’re Making People All Sorts of Uncomfortable
Let’s face it. Those of us who really think big, go after what we want and be who we really are, are few and far between. A lot of people think small and have small lives as a result.
They are not happy with where they are, but have such a narrow view of the world, and what is possible, they really can’t see another way. This is not meant as some sort of judgment, but a mere observation.
So many people have adopted a screwy set of beliefs that led them to do things they didn’t want to do, but felt they were ‘supposed’ to because that is what their parents told them or it was what everyone around them was doing.
And now they feel trapped and miserable. It is amazing how many people make decisions they don’t really want to make, truly convinced they don’t have another choice.
There is a deep fear of being different or calling attention to ourselves—far safer to just follow the pack and blend in, no matter how stifling that may feel.
And then you come along with your big dreams, brave decisions, moxy, the audacity to be yourself and expanded consciousness, and that just rubs people the wrong way.
Most of us don’t welcome anything that threatens our world view or makes us question our beliefs and choices, especially if we believe we are stuck in our current situation with no way out, or feel it is ‘too late’ to turn things around.
The average person is not going to use this opportunity to reflect and mine insights that will make their life better. God knows what sort of emotional floodgates will be opened.
They are going to want to make the ick go away as quickly as possible, and the only way way to accomplish that, and preserve their belief system and world they have created, is to crap all over you.
That is why your blue-collar family might not be happy with your decision to go to college and take the corporate world by storm.
That is why women who had children due to familial and societal pressure, and are stifled in the role, will try to make themselves feel better by concluding those who choose to not to have children are selfish people living empty lives.
That is why the people stuck in jobs they hate and yearn to be self-employed, but are terrified to leave, constantly project their own fears onto you, the person who is working to create a successful online business. It helps them feel better about playing it safe.
That is why your image-obsessed sister who suppressed herself so much she doesn’t even know who she really is anymore, is such a harsh critic of your free-spirited ways—there is a part of her who is dying to drop the facade, and it eats away at her.
It can take awhile for this truth to sink in but always keep it at the forefront of your mind…how people are reacting to you has absolutely nothing to do with you.
All the criticism, judgment and whatever else is making you feel badly, is stemming from envy, resentment, fear, and the pain that comes from unfulfilled dreams, living a lie, wearing masks, being too afraid to change and valuing other people’s opinions over our own so much we totally deny our true selves and desires.
When people are happy with their own lives, they don’t give a crap about how other people are living theirs. Anytime we find ourselves judging other people in any way, it is because we are unhappy about something in our own experience.
And since the average person is unlikely to be totally self-actualized, super self-reflective, completely open-minded and committed to his personal growth, there is a good chance most of us are going to run up against this problem to some degree.
Will you still feel hurt sometimes? Sure.
Will you feel resentment that people are making you feel badly or not giving you the support and encouragement you would like? Absolutely.
Will you forget this nugget of wisdom at times, and just feel completely terrible when someone makes a hurtful comment or judgment? Guaranteed.
You are only human. We learn all sorts of things that enlighten us, help us adopt a better perspective and make our live easier, but as far as applying that wisdom fully all the time? Not so much.
But, so long as we keep these nuggets in our awareness, we apply them with greater frequency, and we can get past the ‘lower’ moments more quickly when we do get sucked in. Keeping this particular point top of mind as much as you can is a game-changer.
In Closing…
Having those around us support our decisions and understand where we are coming from, can certainly make for an easier journey without a doubt. It is understandable to want this, but sometimes that is just not in the cards.
Maybe things will change at some point, and maybe they won’t. That really isn’t something you can control, so the best you can do now is find ways to feel better about things as they are now.
As you gain more confidence in who you are and what you want out of life, the opinions of others won’t hold as much weight. You won’t need that outside approval. You won’t require that permission to be who you want to be and do the things you want to do.
If you know you are doing what is right for you, then you are on the right track…that is the only thing that needs to be considered. No one knows you better than you know yourself, and if your path feels right and you know it is leading you where you want to go (even if you aren’t sure where that is yet), you’re golden.
Don’t spend all your time lamenting not getting the support from the people who are supposed to be giving it to you. Sure, it’s nice to get it from our parents, siblings and closest friends, but they are not under obligation and we can’t force it. They feel however they feel, and again, we can’t make them see the light.
Go out and find other people who get you, and will encourage you.
Find the people who are inspired by what you are doing, and will give you that boost of confidence.
Find the people who know what you are going through, and support each other.
They may not be in your immediate experience but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. They are surely out there. Set some intentions to bring these people into your experience, and they shall come, I assure you of that.
Your Turn…
What did you think of this post? Do you feel there are people in your life who just don’t get it? How does that make you feel? Anything here resonate with you in particular? Do you have any tips to offer?Looking forward to your thoughts as always.
Hi Kelli,
Wow I can relate to so much of what’s written here…the guilt, not receiving support from those you seek it from most, and especially triggering others’ insecurities. At times the lack of approval from those with whom I’m closest to in physical reality makes me doubt myself, but then I remember that there are so many like-minded people out there who have gone through this too. What’s great about the internet is that it ‘s easy to connect with others on similar paths and not be limited by geography. We have to keep up the good vibes together! It’s like when we’re younger and in school: often our friendships are limited to those of our age group who go to the same school or live in the same place. A happy change comes once in the “real world”, when often it’s easier to meet friends of a variety of backgrounds who have more in common with us than only superficialities…people with whom we truly feel more in synch with.
Sometimes I doubt if I am really triggering insecurities in other people or if they really are right, particularly if they are older and socially considered as wiser than me. But then I think of the pure wisdom of young children and the beautiful creatures of this planet, those who haven’t forgotten who they are and who live in harmony with their inner guidance, the real source of wisdom. We all have the wisdom of our inner beings available to us.
Hi Christelle
Remembering other people have gone through this is a very good thing to remember..it can make you feel less alone and you need that reminder that you are not the only one who has those sorts of doubts,feelings,etc.. That is something we know, but can easily forget in those lower moments and we can really beat up on ourselves. Connecting with people online is tremendously helpful and those connections are no less valid.
While we can certainly take into account what other people say, and see if anything resonates or there is something that we can apply to our own journey,or what have you, no one ever knows better than we do what is right for us. And if any of what they are saying makes you feel badly in any way, like making you think you can’t have what you want or your path is inappropriate, or seems to encourage living small, discard it.
KC, having seen first hand how well you have handled this situation/circumstance/scenario, I can say you walk your talk. Our journey hasn’t been easy, especially when it comes to leaving loved ones back home but that’s what’s been a beautiful part of our freedom. We have let go, to grow. We love our fam and friends yet made different choices to live a different lifestyle, and yep, sometimes we feel a little like the odd one out, even when friends and fam support us.
Main point; we’re human! So nobody’s gonna be clear on these choices, even if they appear to be. Loved this post.
Ryan
Hey Ry
Thanks for that. We do have a lot of experience with making unconventional choices, and it’s normal to feel sad or whatever about what you have to leave on the table when you pursue a certain path, but it is all about adopting a different perspective that makes you feel more comfortable with your choices.
Hi Kelli,
I know exactly what you mean. And it actually reminds me of a friend who wants to move but keeps trying to get others to move to the same area. To mean it seems like she needs to agree and comply to reinforce her decision.
But I learned quite a bit ago that it’s not so bad to stand out and to be comfortable with my decisions even when others don’t seem to understand.
Interesting how you pointed that it points to your insecurities, which is right. When you’re completely comfortable and clear it doesn’t matter who doesn’t get it because you’re not focused on that. You’re getting it done.
Great post, it’s always a much needed reminder.
~Lea
Hi Lea
Thanks for your comment. That sounds exactly like what she is doing..that uncertainty about our choices can be quite uncomfortable and we often crave that validation to take the edge off that. But, sometimes we won’t get it and we have to work through our uncertainty about it, if these are the things we feel are the right choices for us at the moment. You are right.nothing wrong with standing out a bit..if we are being who we really are, we really can’t go wrong. We’ll find our tribe eventually.
Glad that point stuck out to you..I think that is something a lot of people ‘know’ but really doesn’t seep in on a deeper level, and they need a reminder so they can do the work where it will be most effective…on themselves.
Glad you liked it and thanks for your great insights as always!
Kelli,
Such a powerful article, I just love where You are talking about us diminishing others. Also where You say that when others are living a genuine life it makes no difference as to what You are doing as a person, as when You are happy that is all that matters. Yet we often do get those who push their own unhappiness onto others and that can make You feel smaller. Its a matter of rising above such. Stopping letting those people control our feelings and who we are as a person.
At times we may fail to get the recognition that know is deserved yet its a matter of being Yourself and keeping on going. At times its more the person needs to learn what You have done for them and setting that limit again as to what You are able to do for the person. It also means being able to be free to be Yourself and being able to say this is who I am as a person. Accept such or theirs the door attitude.
Have an amazing day,
Ben
Hi Ben
I am so glad you enjoyed the post and found so many points that resonated with you. A lot of people do spread around their unhappiness…I don’t think they consciously want to make other people unhappy, but on a deeper level, they do want some company and it may make them feel better to think other people aren’t happy too.
You are right that it can be hard not to be acknowledged, but like you said, you just have to keep being true to yourself. As time goes on, we become more comfortable with who we are and it gets easier.
Thanks for your great comment!
Hi Kelli,
Wow, it still shocks and surprises me , although it is happening every day since I reached out, but to know that others feel the same or have felt the things I have is a revelation to me. After a life of being the black sheep, the different one, the one nobody got, indeed the one they all think is a bit crazy, I literally cannot explain how it feels to know that I am not alone. I know that you will understand this fully. I actually started to believe that I was wrong, abnormal, exactly as they said ‘away with the fairies’ and this led to years of self criticism, self doubt and at its worst self loathing. I had CBT, realised that my thought processes were indeed skewed and am trying to change those long held beliefs. I have come a long way and every day I know now that I have a right to my dreams and that my desire to travel and see the world now my children are grown is not selfish.
When you talk of your mother, it hit home for me as I know that although my children are aware that I have yearned for the freedom to travel for a long time, and that I do not regret having them in any way or begrudge them the years that I had to bury my own desires. They are worth it and I love them dearly. It will be hard to leave them, hard to leave my grandchildren (were not in my plan so young but they are amazing) but I will have to fight through the guilt that I am already feeling and I am only just putting plans
into place for 18 months time. I guess we all have someone or something that we will be temporarily leaving behind when we embark on chasing our dreams?!
Thank you for your truthful observations, your strength and honesty and for sharing that with us all.
Kind wishes
Julie
Hi Julie
Thanks so much for your comment and sharing your experience with me and my readers. It really is life-changing when we see that we are not alone in these struggles. On an intellectual level we know other people have difficult times but on an emotional one we can easily forget that and feel total despair and that there must be something wrong with us for having these issues, wanting the things we want and feeling the way we feel.
You without a doubt have a right to pursue anything that makes you happy, that is what we are here for. Honoring ourselves is never selfish. It is not easy to do things when other people don’t fully support it. We are very afraid of being thought of as ‘selfish’ but there is a big difference between doing things for our own gain that are hurting others in some way, and getting pushback because doing what we want means the other person isn’t getting something they want. Diminishing ourselves for the benefit of others is never the solution. Everyone loses.
Don’t discount your intuition and the knowingness you have of who you are and what you want out of life…it is easy to do that and think other people know better or must be right, etc…But, that is just not how it really works. You are right in that taking one path often means leaving something else behind. You have earned this trip and it will be amazing I’m sure. Please keep commenting and sharing your thoughts… want to hear how everything is unfolding.