So, today I am going to talk some law of attraction and relationships, courtesy of some great questions from a reader…questions that hit on so many issues that strike fear in our hearts and trip us up constantly, leaving us convinced we are doomed in the love department.
I have a question about love relationships, something that I am in struggling right now. I think I have done everything I could, from work on my spiritual side to dating online, I have many male friends too, so I don’t have a problem dealing with men.
Now I have a huge fear that the man that I want is just not exist, and I honestly still don’t know how to handle it even though I am still working on my energy in this particular thing too. I understand that if I want to get more money, I should be ready to give more money, and I have experience proof that it is working, although it’s still hard sometimes to do it.
But what about the love with a man? I feel lucky that I have a very good family and friends, and I don’t have any difficulty to spread the love for them or anyone around me, but my man is still not coming yet after years. And I feel it’s quite different, between the universal love and the love relationship with a man. I don’t know what should I do with this. I indeed a beautiful and attractive woman, but I just hardly find an available man that I want after so many years, and I get frustrated now.
When it comes to interest in harnessing the power of the law of attraction, finding a relationship seems to rank right up there with money. And like money, many of us find ourselves struggling mightily.
Not because finding love is an inherently more difficult thing to manifest, or because the Universe thinks we really have to ‘earn’ it and prove we are worthy of a proper mate. It is because we have a hell of a lot of baggage around it, and detachment seems damn near impossible, especially if you happen to be a lady whose biological clock is ticking so loudly, you can barely hear yourself think.
I would also throw in the fact that we have a lot of misunderstandings about how the law of attraction works, and we misinterpret manifestations big-time, which just throws us out of alignment even further.
The Vital First Step No Matter What Your ‘Love’ Issue Is…
Making peace with being single…I can’t stress this enough and it is the thing you will have the hardest time doing. I get it, believe me. I cried many times over my single status, unrequited loves and what not.
The first reason is a fear we have that somehow becoming happier now will cancel our ‘order’ with the good old U…after all, isn’t constantly expressing our disdain for our current situation the linchpin in manifesting something better? Our minds sure as hell seem to think so, but no, not it isn’t.
The second reason is the idea that being single is ‘wrong’, that it indicates some sort of dysfunction in us. We make finding a relationship the most important thing in life, and if we’re not in one, something is most certainly amiss.
And yes, we are social creatures and we didn’t come into this experience to go it solo, wandering around on our own for all our days, like a jaguar in the jungle.
So there is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship—a good one can be a beautiful, fulfilling experience. But that still doesn’t change the fact that there is nothing wrong with not being in one.
If you are trying to create a relationship from a space where you are resisting and lamenting your single status, you’re in for a frustrating manifesting experience.
This doesn’t necessarily mean you won’t ever get a relationship—you very well can, but it won’t be a good one, it will be one that will be mirroring back a whole bunch of crap to you that is likely blocking the great relationship that you actually want.
In making peace with being single, it will be easier for you to let go of the non-matches. You won’t latch onto every person who comes into your orbit as being the ‘one,’ simply because they meet some of your criteria or the sheer fact they may express some interest in you.
In making peace with being single, it will be easier to set some real standards, and stick to them. You will come to see that things like ‘nice’ and ‘being respectful’ are not desirable qualities but absolute bare minimums. These things go without saying…much like it is assumed you are looking to find a relationship with another Homo sapien and not a dog.
You have to remember that as someone who has made the decision to be a deliberate creator of their life experience, and not someone who just sits around, waiting to see what shows up, and hopefully liking it, you are looking for the top-shelf of experiences, not the watered-down crap.
You don’t want to create a relationship from a space of just wanting to end your lonely single days—that is what most people do and that is why so many people are in crappy relationships, that is why so many people find themselves settling.
You are doing this work to let in a great relationship with someone who is perfect for you, someone with whom you can be authentic always, someone with whom you can grow together. You may not think such a great relationship exists, and that’s understandable because we may not see a lot of them, but they are out there.
I am in one of them so I know. My husband and I aren’t perfect people and like any other couple we have had our struggles and we fight sometimes, but I couldn’t imagine anyone more perfect for me.
Take advantage of your single status to really do this work on yourself and let in something awesome.
Give yourself a pat on the back that you are giving yourself permission to ‘go for the gold,’ and that you aren’t just going to let anyone in.
I Think I Have Done Everything I Could…
This was one of the statements in the question and I wanted to break it down a bit. She noted she has tried a lot from working on things from a spiritual perspective to online dating.
Like any other sort of manifestation, we never really have to do anything. When we try to create from action, without being energetically aligned with what we want, it tends not to go well. We may get some sort of result, but it’s not usually a great one.
She mentioned online dating. This could be a great way to meet people and I know a few personally who have found great relationships. But, for most of us, our desire to try this sort of approach, stems from playing the numbers game.
The more people we meet, the more likely we are to get someone. The more sales calls we make, the more likely we are to get an appointment. The more resumes we send out, the more likely we are to land a job interview, and hopefully some form of gainful employment.
This mode of creating tends to be really painful and frustrating, and smacks of us trying to control outcomes through action. If we just do enough, eventually something has to give.
Because we may not fully buy into the idea that we can meet someone by purely aligning our energy, without ever having to leave our house, and having this person show up at our front door—the repairman, the guy whose car broke down and wants to use your phone,etc..–exploring as many channels as possible can be good for us energetically.
The key however is being detached from these channels. Feel free to give online dating a whirl; let your friends set you up on blind dates; go to events where you think you’ll meet like-minded people.
But don’t get attached to them as being the only ways it will be possible to meet someone. Don’t force yourself to do things you don’t want to do because you think you have to or you won’t meet someone.
As far as the spiritual work goes, we also have a tendency to believe that if we do enough of it something will change, but if our inner world isn’t really changing, it doesn’t matter how much we affirm, visualize or do whatever other sort of personal growth tools and techniques we have in our arsenal.
They are just means to an end. We have to be honest with ourselves if how we have felt has really changed to any real degree. Have we made any real headway on releasing our fears and doubts? How much have we really shifted the beliefs that we think may be getting in the way?
This isn’t a time to reprimand ourselves and beat ourselves up for not being good manifestors, or for being ‘human’ and all that comes with that.
But we do have to check in and see where our progress is at. We have to see if we have been suppressing emotion in the name of being ‘positive.’
The question-asker clearly has some deep fears around not meeting someone and believing no one good is out there…I would highly recommend she allow herself to feel that if she hasn’t already.
That is the only way to truly process and release it. We can’t truly shift our ‘crap’ unless we first acknowledge it, like truly acknowledge it.
And this means allowing the emotions, not just acknowledging these issues with our mind, on an intellectual level.
Is Romantic Love Different than Other Types of Love?
In the question, awesome reader acknowledged the idea of giving out something to get it in return, and acknowledges the great relationships in her life already and how she knows that really feeling that love can bring more love into her life. But she notes a difference between that general love we may feel and romantic love.
Is there really a difference? In some ways, yeah, it is different and it is understandable we view it differently. First and foremost, there is the whole sex thing. Secondly, romantic relationships intertwine your life with someone else in a way that others don’t. A romantic partner is invested in your life and decisions in a way other people won’t be.
But when we look at things from an energetic perspective, there is no difference. It is all just love.
This means that if you are capable of feeling love for friends, family and humanity as a whole, you are a match to romantic love as well, you are sending out the right type of vibes.
If you have managed to create great relationships with friends, family, neighbors or co-workers, you are capable of creating a great romantic relationship. You are not defective in any way, you are not missing some vital sort of energy.
The issue is the blocks we have created by being so attached to this type of relationship manifesting for us, by making all sorts of distinctions and separations between romantic relationships and other sorts of relationships that make us believe they are more complicated and harder to come by, by drawing all these bullshit conclusions about ourselves based on how relationships, and interactions with others, in the past have played out.
Truly letting ourselves feel love for others is a great way to become a stronger match to romantic love so don’t hold back. It will bring you other immediate benefits as well. When you are around people you enjoy, really enjoy your time with them.
See what you appreciate about them, and make mental notes that you want those things in a partner. Start piecing together your ‘dream person.’
When other people make you feel good in some way, note the feeling—that will indicate what you truly want in a relationship, which like any other manifestation, is to feel a certain way.
What to Expect as You Start Aligning
Well, I can’t give an exact blueprint as everyone’s path is different. But I can give some general pointers.
First and foremost, the perfect person may not just come to you straight away. You may encounter a number of people who are there to show you where your vibration is at, to help you further clarify what you want and don’t want in a partner and in a relationship.
Let these people do what they came here to do and let them gravitate out—don’t get attached to every person who may come in as being ‘the one.’
They may be but they may not be, and that’s okay. It doesn’t mean anything has gone wrong.
While you don’t want to over-analyze every encounter, do pay attention to how these people and your experience with them made you feel.
Be open to what your dream person has to be like—while you do want to give some thought to what is important to you, realize that some of your criteria may not be such an accurate representation of what would truly make you happy or is necessary. After all, much of this list will be coming from the machinations of your mind, who doesn’t know best.
For example you may think this person has to share your same hobbies, political affiliation or religion, but you meet someone who doesn’t and you’ll find you’re totally okay with it, much to your surprise.
And let’s be honest, sometimes we can be a bit shallow and superficial when it comes to constructing this list…it’s all good but it can lead us astray.
Tune into your intuition to guide you…you’ll know when to take a pass and when to be open to something that may not at first glance seem like your thing.
Don’t be willing to put up with a bunch of stuff you know you don’t want because there may be some good stuff too. You don’t have to settle or compromise.
Take responsibility for your own happiness and don’t place it on other people. Let yourself feel whatever you feel if something doesn’t work out, but don’t always be letting outside circumstances dictate your emotions.
Going into an emotional tailspin after a bad date, or because the guy never called again, is not the required reaction.
Realize that relationships can come together easily…all the drama, while emotionally gratifying on some level, is not necessary, as much as we may have witnessed and been led to believe otherwise.
Again, you’re going for the gusto here, not just settling. You may not be a match to love of the most awesome degree right in this moment, but you’ll get there. Make peace with the process.
So, that’s that…hope you enjoyed it.
Your Turn…
Are you struggling in the love department? Anything resonate in particular? Do you have any tips for doing energy work in this area of life? Looking forward to your comments as always.
Hi Kelli, thanks for the post and thank you to the reader who asked the questions. 🙂
Manifesting a relationship is something I’ve really struggled with and I’ve been working through a lot of blocks and limiting beliefs in the last few years. Sometimes it’s felt “impossible” for me. Last year I really thought I’d made a breakthrough but ended up being disappointed. I’ve tried to see it as a sign that I’m shifting things though.
I like what you said about it all just being love:
“This means that if you are capable of feeling love for friends, family and humanity as a whole, you are a match to romantic love as well, you are sending out the right type of vibes.
If you have managed to create great relationships with friends, family, neighbors or co-workers, you are capable of creating a great romantic relationship. You are not defective in any way, you are not missing some vital sort of energy.”
I had a belief that I was defective in general but I’ve been working on letting that go. And while I’ve also had problems with friendships in the past, I am capable of manifesting great friends, so I should be able to manifest a great romantic relationship/s too.
Hi
I am so glad you liked it. That was definitely a sign that you were moving in the right direction…what happens though is we have some expectations of what we think will happen and when it doesn’t work out like we thought, we think something has gone wrong. Any improvement in a situation shows we are lining up with a different energy. For example if someone always dated jerks and then she started energy work and found herself not meeting anyone, that is an improvement since she isn’t attracting the jerks anymore either. You are certainly not defective and you most certainly can manifest that great relationship, just be sure you find a way to be okay with not having one and know that doesn’t say anything bad about you.
I love this post! So relevant…
I’ve found much soothing from your suggestion in our coaching call that at the time of a fearful/doubting tbought to ask, “Am I willing to release this thought?”, then pivot to what I want. It’s become very easy over the past two days! And it feels so good.
Hi Margaret
So glad you liked it…I figured you would find it very interesting. Shifting beliefs really is much easier than we think…the key is doing what we can to activate the energy of what we want and the better feelings and they simply start to become dominant. As that happens, we manifest the ‘proof’ that they are valid which then just makes it easier to keep moving in that direction.
Hi, Kelli. I have a question. I’m new to LOA so I have a question.
Yesterday, while I was teaching (my job is teaching), related to some subject, I accidentally said ‘I might not get married in 6 years’ but it was really an accident and I was going to say ‘in 6 months..’ I didn’t mean to say that.
Now I’m kind of worried and afraid it might really happen. Do you have any advice on this?
Hi Sarah
Thanks for your comment and question. Don’t worry about that little slip up. While we do want to watch what we say, and pay attention to how we are speaking about our life because it can clue us in to where we are focusing and how we are feeling, this idea of monitoring everything we say and never saying anything ‘negative’ lest we may now create those exact situations, is one of the misconceptions about the law of attraction. Words in and of themselves will not create anything, it is always our energy.
Dear Kelli
Thanks a million for answering my question and turn it into a comprehensively good and encouraging article. I’m still in my manifesting process, and I realize how difficult for me to trust that the universe got my back, and perhaps that has been my biggest obstacle in creating the romantic love (and marriage, family, and kids) for the last five years. Just like what you frequently mentioned in your articles and podcasts that I am so afraid if I do not think about it, the universe will just forget it. It’s like I am unconsciously addicted to worry.
It feels so wrong to not doing any action what so ever in finding a good mate since I usually so persistence in achieving any other things in my life. I guess I was overthinking it, and hardly believes that I can ever find the love of my life, a person who fits in and willing to give as much as I do in cherish and maintaining a long lasting relationship.
Now I am working on my trust in the universe, and try not to think about it too much. I realized that usually if I started to think about it, I would feel uneasy and distrust. I still don’t know why I somehow have a negative belief that the universe may think that I can be just happy without marriage or meeting my soulmate while I don’t think I ever will. I don’t know how long I have been started to have the belief and how come.
I am in the process of recovering my belief to the universe, as I am aware that it’s an essential thing to do before anything else. Now everytime I start to think about the love issue, and how I at my late 30’s still single, I stop and breath and tell myself that I have surrendered the issue to the universe, and it will take care of everything and bring the right man to me with so many ways that I don’t have to think about it.
That I just have to focus on the present, and start feeling better no matter how broken I might think I am now.
Thank you so much Kelli, your articles and podcasts are really helpful for me in my stage of life right now, it really resonates with me. I love you.
Hi Rani
You are very welcome and I am so glad you found the response helpful. It is certainly an area of manifesting that is of interest to many people. Refraining from action is one of the hardest things for us to do since we are used to thinking that is what makes things happen, but when it is coming from a place of energetic ‘misalignment’ we are not going to get very far. You are dealing with really deeply ingrained beliefs so don’t beat yourself up too much for having them surface…it is really good you are admitting to them because that is what we need to do first to really get anywhere…pretending we don’t feel these things won’t help us. You are doing great…just remember you are whole and complete now and anything we manifest, including a relationship is just a nice bonus.
Hi Kelli
Thanks so much for this, and for all your podcasts (and I’ve just bought your Love course too!).
I have a related question regarding my situation. My ex left me almost two years ago and it was the worst experience of my life – I’ve had other breakups before, but this was hell – I was very, very deeply in love with him and believed he was the love of my life. After the breakup, the thing that was most agonising for me was the belief I then held that he was the only one for me, the perfect man for me, and the thought of him meeting someone else (which he may or may not have done – we aren’t in touch, at my decree) was pure torture – the thought that someone else would have the thing I had lost and would never find again.
However, about six months after that I discovered the LoA and Abraham Hicks etc and the teachings have helped me massively, and I’m healing well. The Abraham Hicks teachings helped me understand what had gone wrong in the relationship, and more importantly helped me find the hope and belief that there is someone else more right for me out there, and that I can work with my own alignment to manifest him, and I have been working with that for the last year.
There is loads about my life that I absolutely love and appreciate – I have always manifested everything else effortlessly – and I don’t have issues with self-love. But what I struggle with is that my ex is in my mind all of the time (I can’t get him off my mind whatever I do – I seem to have a two track mind which allows for one track always to be on him no matter what else I am distracted by). So …. although I don’t have beliefs about it being ‘wrong’ that I’m single etc etc, it IS incredibly important to me to meet someone, or else it feels like he will be on my mind forever. The only thing which makes it bearable to know I’ve lost him and someone else may have him some day, is the belief that ‘that’s ok because there’s someone else for me’ – and this makes it very difficult to let go of longing for this manifestation.
So although I’m not trying to manifest from a place of lack in me ( I do love myself, believe I’m complete, have a lovely life without a man etc) – I am trying from a place of ‘need’ in terms of taking the pain and fear around my ex away and making sense of the loss of him. Does that make sense?!
Your work on relationships doesn’t tend to mention broken hearts very much – how you manifest from a place of having had a broken heart, and I’d be so grateful for your thoughts.
Hi Jelly
Thanks for your comment and I am so glad you are enjoying the content; and thanks for purchasing the course. Perhaps I will do a post on dealing with pain from a past break up specifically. I often tend to go more general within specific topics to cover broader issues that can be applied in different situations. I think your issue is a very common one–we want the new relationship to take away the pain we feel from the one we no longer have. Logically this seems like the ticket and outer manifestations can certainly give us a boost; it’s okay to take pleasure in what we have manifested for sure and the ways it has benefitted us emotionally. But when it really comes down to it, no external situation must materialize to feel better about where we are now. Your biggest ‘job’ right now is allowing the pain, knowing it’s okay and examining more deeply what is driving the need and the reasoning as to why the relationship will ‘fix’ the feelings now. I think the relationship course will be really helpful for you because it isn’t so much a ‘how to’ on manifesting a relationship as healing and identifying the various energies and perspectives that make a lack of relationship painful, that may be complicating this area of our life. It will help you manifest a romantic relationship from that ‘cleaner’ space.
Hi, Kelli!
First of all, thank you a lot for your wonderful pieces of advices. They’re like a crack in a wall letting the light in.
I’m going through a difficult time in my love life. Three years ago, I met an awesome guy and we started dating and felt in love. Then, out of the blue, he started feeling overwhelmed and decided to break up. I was devastated. We have spent more than a year now meeting each other on a regular basis and I am glad for that reason but it is months since the last time we slept together or made some other plan that going and having some drinks. And he seems to not notice or to not be concerned about it. Whenever I bring up the subject (“we haven’t slept together in quite a while”, for example) he avoids it. And I’m grasping because I want something more and have this horrible fear of losing what we have now. I want him back. I want our wonderful relationship back. I miss those times when he wanted to sleep with me every night and I miss the person he used to be but at the same time I am fearful to lose him.
I’m so desesperate and don’t know what to do… I can feel all the bad energies here but have no idea of how to feel better.
I hope you can help!
Thanks, dear!
xoxo
Hi Stella
What the future holds for you and this person is not something I can know. But what I can say for sure is that you don’t know all the different people out there who could be a good match for you, and to attach to one person is trying to control the ‘how’ of your desired manifestation, which is to be loved, and feel whatever feelings you associate with being in a relationship. Be open to what this person’ presence in your life is showing you–it sounds like it is giving you a great opportunity to stand up for yourself, walk away from what is not serving you, and perhaps stop wasting time on someone who doesn’t seem to feel the same way. It can be painful and isn’t easy but do your best to be open to meeting someone else. Your mind only knows what it can observe and what has already happened, which is why we tend to get very attached to people we already had relationships with. If you are interested in working through the energies, and you are open to meeting someone else, you might find my manifesting a relationship program very helpful if you resonate with my work. Good luck!
Hi Kelli,
Thanks for your great work. I do have a question though, that hopefully you can help with.
I have been using LOA, along with some other “things” to try to get the relationship I want. I know what I want and although “he” could be anyone, “he” would have to certain check boxes. Age, religion, looks etc. don’t really play a huge role (although I would have to be attracted) but some goals I have are non negotiable. Where I live these “goals” really should not be an issue, as they are fairly common in the area I live. BUT, and Its a big but, I only ever seem to attract people who in no way meet the non-negotiables. I wouldn’t mind except they are often so arrogant about it they can’t accept that I am not interested, and ask the 70 million questions why not, and I end up feeling drained and annoyed. Why does this happen and how can I start getting the right ones to step forward?
Hi Nicky
I am so glad you enjoy my work and thank you for letting me know. The first thing I would say is that you don’t want to look at the LOA as something you ‘use.’ It’s not a tool but a Universal law that has always been operating in your life. The knowledge of it is very powerful in that it helps us be more deliberate and conscious with our belief system, our feelings, how we respond to the world,etc… This distinction is very important and can be very helpful in understanding why your experience may have been this way until this point. The second thing I would note is I can only give very general advice when people ask me questions in blog posts because without talking with someone one on one, there is a lot of information I don’t have. Manifestations are very personal so as an ‘outsider’ I can’t say with any certainty why specific manifestations show up for someone. The key is examining how the people you attract make you feel, what beliefs do you think are being ‘proven’ and this can give you a better idea of why you may be attracting these sorts of people. If you find my work helpful, you might be interested in my Manifesting a Relationship program since it will help you explore this teaching more deeply in this specific context. A coaching session might be helpful as well. Good luck!
Very interesting dialog. I always thought that people seeking love should seek to remove the obstacles that they have built against love – instead of seeking it. When I was single, I worked on creating a vibration within myself that would attract a guy who would have the same values and desires that I have. Guess what? It worked!!! I have been with my hubby almost 20 years now 🙂
Hi Janice
That inner work is so important. It is easy to attract the things our mind wants without doing it at all–most people do. But what the manifestations are mirroring back to us might not be so great, so we have the relationship but it is a bad one, we have the money, but we earn it in a way that isn’t enjoyable. Aligning energetically makes things easier and quicker and allows us the ‘top shelf’ experiences!
This is a really old post, but I had to comment because I feel like you validated a lot of what I’ve been thinking about things, and it’s kind of a relief because it’s so different from what people normally say. haha. I totally believe that if I just kind of enjoy my time being single and roll with things and keep working on any issues or resistance that pops up, that the right guy will just show up in my life when it’s the right time for me to have a successful relationship, especially now that I’ve ditched a LOT of the baggage I’d carried around for so long. Some people like to say I’ll be single forever with this kind of attitude (and without actively going out and dating), but there are SO. MANY ways to meet people, even if you work from home and don’t get out much. We all have friends that know people that we don’t know or we go to restaurants or out to listen to live music and see different people and maybe a bold stranger will approach us, who knows… or like you said, repair men or delivery guys, single dads that show up at school functions (I’m a mom)., etc. I also really feel like when I meet that person, I’ll know just by being around them, because with my most recent ex, I just had a spark of intuition that I needed to take the time to get to know him, even though he wasn’t my usual “type,” but something told me to see where it leads, and he ended up being what I truly feel was a soul mate connection (He felt like “home” to me, and we had a ridiculous amount of stuff in common, even weird stuff like my middle name was his mom’s name and his middle name was my dad’s name. lol. Unfortunately, we broke up when we were both going through some pretty major personal stuff). So I do believe it’s true that when that type of connection is there, you feel it intuitively.
But anyway, aside from that, I do have one question… I know it’s better to be kind of general, but do you think it’s okay if we are a LITTLE specific? I don’t really care about physical stuff or specific likes and dislikes (although WOULD like us to have quite a lot in common because it’s just easier and more fun that way), but the big thing is the heart activation and that feeling of “home.” After experiencing that kind of love, I don’t know as if I’d ever want to settle for less than that. So is it okay to just be like…. I want a soul mate connection with a man who sees the importance of self improvement (because I know that never stops for anyone) and is also faithful, honest, loyal, and ready for commitment?
Hi April
I think the specifics you are talking about here..the feeling of ‘home’ etc…are great to focus on because you are talking about what you are truly after–the feelings you want from the relationship, the connection. The surface stuff like common interests,etc…is great and I find those little details just automatically get taken care of by way of general alignment. Maybe you have them, maybe you don’t but true alignment on that deeper level will make those things insignificant day to day I think. And that you were able to match up with someone so great, even though it didn’t work out, shows you are in that vibrational neighborhood for sure, and perhaps that is the purpose this person served. Or maybe he comes back, who knows? It sounds like you are in a good space, and I get a good energy from here, and just keep on doing what you are doing. If you resonate with my teachings and are interested in exploring it in this context specifically, you may find my Manifesting a Relationship program helpful because it does cover that deeper alignment. So check it out and see if it resonates. Good luck! I