Get Out of Your Own Way: How We Sabotage Our Happiness Part 1

Even with all the differences amongst us humans, I believe we all share the same core desire to be happy. Considering how much we want this, you would think we would be better at creating this state. But, by and large, we’re not. It seems so difficult, but we have to realize the difficulty stems from our own screwy beliefs, habits and behaviors. It is hard because we make it hard.

Day after day, we do all sorts of things that keep us stuck where we are, living a life we don’t want to live, and being a person we really don’t want to be. And I’m not just referring to the big things, like not ‘chasing your dreams’ but day-to-day life as well.  I’m talking about all the little choices we make that add up, and determine the course of our waking hours, and how we generally feel on a regular basis.

Being happy is a choice, and we can choose it at any time. After years of being a certain way and holding certain beliefs, it can take a bit of time to untangle all of that, and that journey can be challenging at times.

But, it is not an impossible feat. Also, I would like to add that being a happy person is not about being happy all the time–that is something that is easy to forget and can really screw with our efforts. In fact, we can still be royally messed up in myriad ways and still be generally happy!

One of the most important things we need to do is recognize all the ways we are self-sabotaging; we need to stop blaming outside circumstances, and go within. We have to acknowledge the role we have played, and consciously choose to be different, and do things differently.

In my humble opinion, here are some of the most common ways we sabotage our happiness.

Not Realizing We Actually Want the ‘Bad’ Stuff on Some Level

To your conscious mind, this statement probably sounds a bit ridiculous. Why would we want anything bad in our life? Why would we do things that bring us unhappiness and make our existence more difficult?

But, guess what? It is not the conscious part of you that is calling the shots—it is that deeper part of you where all sorts of weird beliefs are lurking. All the crap in your life is giving you something you want, or else it wouldn’t be there. You are getting some sort of benefit, it is giving you something you need, or perhaps believe you deserve.

I put this little tidbit first because I believe tackling this issue will bring you the most benefit of any other suggestion I make. I implore you not to dismiss this one as nonsense, but rather, give some serious thought to it. If you do, I guarantee you will see exactly what I’m talking about.

You might discover that part of you that actually likes being the victim who is happy to receive other’s pity, wants to date the ‘loser’ guys so you can feel like the superior one in the relationship, thrives off drama, goes after the girl who never wants you to avoid the intimacy you so fear or takes some sort of strange pride in having a difficult life.

Another important point to consider is, even if we don’t like how our lives are, we get very comfortable in our undesirable circumstances, and make decisions that perpetuate them.

Being Afraid of Happiness, Success and All that Good Stuff

To some of you, this one may sound as ridiculous as the idea we want the bad stuff in our lives because it serves us in some way. But, again, that deeper part of you is calling the shots, and she is not rational.

Many of us may be making some attempt to bring something into our lives, but are not really succeeding, and wonder why. Some of us have those desires within but really haven’t done much to make it happen. In either scenario, there may be a great fear attached to actually getting what we want.

Any big (and often little) change we make in our lives will create a ripple effect–or sometimes a giant tidal wave– that impacts other areas. And sometimes, the good changes may lead to changes we might consider not-so-good.

We may worry about how others will view us—what would our blue-collar family who hates rich people think of our desire to become a Wall Street financial wizard?

What if my desire to change my life, and become the best version of myself, makes me incompatible with my current partner? The thought of that relationship possibly ending can be terrifying.

Getting that promotion at work will mean more responsibility, and friends turning into subordinates, and that may make you feel very uncomfortable.

Take a moment to think about all the things you would like to be, do or have; then, write down all the potentially ‘bad’ things you think might happen. Examine those fears, and find a way to work through them.

Caring What Other People Think about Us

We shouldn’t care about what others think about us, but sometimes we just can’t help it, and that’s okay. The number of people who are truly detached from the opinions of others, and have confidence about their decision oozing from every pore, is probably pretty small. The key is to act in spite of this discomfort.

We are social creatures, and there is that innate desire to be accepted amongst the pack. We want to be liked. We want people to support us. We could happily do without criticism, judgment and questioning of our life choices.

But, this tendency to want to be accepted, and avoid being the subject of gossip or criticism, can really put a damper on our happiness. When our concern about how others will view us is a dominant force in our decision-making, we build our lives based on the opinions, expectations, and arbitrary declarations about what is ‘right’ and ‘appropriate, of others. If you feel the same way, you’re golden. But, if you don’t, it kind of sucks, doesn’t it?

In an ideal world, so long as we weren’t truly hurting anyone with our choices, we would all be happy for one another, and not concern ourselves with how other people choose to conduct their lives. Everyone would just mind their own damn business.

But, this is not how it works does it? In the ‘real’ world, many people can’t see any way but theirs, and if you’re not on board, you’re wrong, no two ways about it.

They harbor massive insecurity, doubt and unhappiness regarding their own life choices and beliefs; criticizing others is easier than dealing with the discomfort that gets stirred up when they encounter someone who took a different path.

We go to great lengths to convince ourselves we are in the ‘right’ and we made the ‘better’ decisions. Feelings of jealousy or envy can be a great springboard for figuring out how to improve our lives, but most avoid deep self-reflection like the plague. So, the only way to make those feelings go away is finding fault with the path others have taken.

Doing what you want interferes with what they want, and they don’t like that, but somehow you are the one who ends up with the ‘selfish’ label.

How others react to us has absolutely nothing to do with us. This is one little factoid where there can be massive dissonance between what we KNOW to be true, and what we FEEL. But, the more we can remember this, the stronger this truth will be felt on that emotional level.

If the desire to ‘fit in’, receive approval, be accepted or make others happy has been the main force in shaping your life, you have to own that. I’m not saying it’s easy to go against the grain, because it’s not. I speak from experience on that one.

But, the discomfort that comes from making your own way, and being true to yourself is worth it, if the end result is living your life as you wish, and letting the real you shine through.

Again, you may not be able to reach a point where you never care, but it is vital to do what you want anyway, and deal with that stuff as it surfaces. Don’t let it stop you from ever starting.

So, after reading this, set aside a bit of time and really think about these three points. Get out a pen and paper and write down what comes to your mind regarding each tidbit. This is a great starting point for moving away from self-sabotaging behavior.

Stay tuned for part two on my thoughts on how to get out of your own way Wednesday.