Oy vey..a whole book can be written about this topic, and many have. It is something most of us will never quite master in our lifetimes, myself included. We just have too much ‘stuff.’ We have all sorts of weird attachments to the people closest to us, and they are the ones that know just how to push our buttons.
We shouldn’t care what others think about our choices, but sometimes we do. People have very firm ideas of what is right and wrong, and strong opinions, and if you are out of line with this, good luck. Feel free to insert the million other issues that lead to a similar result—conflict.
And conflict with people close to us is a whole different beast than that with strangers or other people who don’t quite stir up our emotions the same way. We have established a ton of bad habits in this arena, and you may see the situation as it exists now as ‘unchangeable.’
But, there is hope. It doesn’t have to be this way. Maybe you won’t become some Buddha-like master of human relations; maybe you’ll still lose your shit every once in awhile. But, you can do better, and isn’t better the name of the game anyway? There is no such thing as perfect.
No One Can MAKE Us Feel a Certain Way
This is a good one, and a hard one. I still have many, many (a million more many) moments when I am less than convinced of this truth. But, I have also done enough work on myself to know it is in fact a truth, a great truth that can ease so much of our suffering, if we are willing to put our ego, and tendency to blame others aside.
No one can MAKE us feel a certain way. No matter what someone is saying or doing; no matter how much of an a-hole he is being; no matter how unreasonable or bat-shit crazy someone is acting. How we respond is all about us.
They are just simply triggering some specific piece of crap that is floating around within you; you are responding in a certain way based on deeply entrenched habits; you can only get upset by the criticism or judgment of others if there is a part of you that believes what they are saying may be true.
By blaming other people for making us feel a certain way, we are taking away our power. And, being imperfect humans, the normal ways in which we respond are understandable—I respond that way myself still, A LOT—but we have to acknowledge there is another way, a way that will allow us to be more level-headed in the midst of conflict, a way that will help us discover what is going on inside us that is making us respond in the ways we normally do.
Realizing how you are responding is totally you can open the doors to wonderful insights that will improve all areas of your life, and particularly, your dealings with the people closest to you.
Seeing Where We Can Be Different and Accepting Other People May NEVER Be
Since we can’t force anyone else to change, or act differently towards us, we have to think about what we can do differently. Again, to do this, you have to do your absolute best to beat down your ego, and not focus on the other person—his faults, his mistakes, and all the other stuff that makes your blood boil.
Like I mentioned before, the way you are acting now is out of habit. Certain ‘rules of engagement’ were established at one point, and that became the default. That is a why a person in her 40’s can still react to her mother during a fight in much the same way she did as a teenager. These habits can be broken, however, if you are willing to break them.
In some ways, how you are reacting now may be giving you some sort of satisfaction—if you are having a fight with your husband, it may present you with an opportunity to say some really f$%#ed up stuff that is born from deeper resentments, and larger issues that loom in the relationship, and you never pass up this chance. This is something you will have to think about, to see if it appiles.
A lot of our suffering is caused by wanting the other people to be different in some way; if they just didn’t do this or that, if they were just this way instead of that way, things would be so much better between the two of you. If they could just see that I’m right. Are there things this person should maybe be doing differently? Yeah, probably.
But, if you are insisting on that as a condition for an improved relationship, or as a necessary component of feeling better about how things are between the two of you, you are in for a lot of disappointment. While you still may get mad, or disagree, accepting a person will not change can reduce the intensity of your interactions and the subsequent reactions; it will allow you to detach a bit more.
Accepting People Will Never Understand Your Side
If your issues with your loved ones stem from their unhappiness, criticism, or lack of understanding regarding your life choices, I have been there. And I know how difficult it can be. People have very firm ideas of what a ‘proper’ life looks like, and if yours doesn’t fit the mold, the push back can be endless. If you doing what you want somehow interferes with what they want, forget it—you will forever be labeled as ‘selfish.’
People will swear up and down if they were you, they would act completely differently, that they would make whatever decisions they believe you should be making right now. And because this is all hypothetical, and these people will likely never be faced with making these choices because their life is completely different from yours, guess who will forever be the superior one? Not you, that’s for sure.
While it is totally possible to reach complete peace about this, you may not, and that’s okay. But, giving up the hope that someday they will see the light, totally put aside their own issues, and support you fully, can go a long way in how you feel about this lack of support, and how you handle it when an issue arises. Maybe someday this will happen, but it is better to consider that a nice bonus , not something that must happen for you to feel better.
You can do your best to explain how you feel, and why you are doing what you do. They will either get it or they won’t.
Owning It When We Aren’t Really Handling The Situation How We Want
I wrote a post about the other day about how to better handle it when people annoy us–like the co-worker who talks our ear off–and I feel this piece of advice is even more important when it comes to conflict with people close to us because the repercussions can be much more severe. Sometimes, we don’t do the things we really want to do for myriad reasons.
Making the decisions we really want to make would involve doing something really uncomfortable, something that may be viewed as inappropriate or wrong. It may involve us sharing things we would rather not discuss; we worry we will hurt people.
The list of reasons are truly endless. And the discomfort involved can be so great, we easily convince ourselves these options are really not options at all. And then we conclude we are being forced into handling the situation a certain way, that we have no choice. We then see ourselves as being victimized by our loved ones, and this is a very bad place to be.
If you truly believe doing what you really want is more trouble than it’s worth, that’s your prerogative, but you must acknowledge you are making a choice. If you realize it is a choice, you will handle the situations better.
Maybe you have a toxic relative, who has tons of problems, and is just an all-around shitty person, and causing you nothing but grief. And your dealings with this person are wreaking havoc in your own life, but you keep coming back for more because you have been taught to believe you never turn your back on family, you have to own that. On a somewhat related note, I am not a big fan of absolutes.
If your mother’s constant criticism is wearing on you, but you are reluctant to really sit down and discuss how this makes you feel, because you don’t want to expose your vulnerable side, you have to own that.
Again, it is totally up to you how to handle it, but realize you are taking an active role in the situation.
So, there you have it….my two cents on handling all the yuck that arises between us and our loved ones. I hope you click away from this post with at least one helpful nugget that can empower you to take control of how you handle these inevitable conflicts.
KC,
Bravo! Well said, because many hate admitting that loved ones, or friends, get their goat. Happens to most of us who’re living our dreams, and if we can let go any need to explain ourselves, or make excuses, for living life how we want to live it, we can foster peace of mind.
Wonderful insight.
Thanks!
Hey
You are so right about that..sometimes it is hard to admit that people get to us, but if we keep denying it, we can’t work on feeling better. That is some very wise advice about letting go of the need to explain ourselves–though it can be hard because we worry about people making assumptions. But, those assumptions will always be made, no matter what I suppose, so it is better to just accept that.
The hardest thing in the world is recognizing that the fault may lie within. Who wants to admit that we, at least in part anyway, may be the source of conflict? I absolutely agree with you that the best way to resolve conflict with those closest to us is to change our own approach. It’s not the easiest thing to do though, as you suggest, those closest to us really know how to get our blood pumping! I really enjoyed your take on this Kelli. Thanks for sharing.
Hey Allan
Thanks for taking the time to comment–you are so right about that. No one is perfect and we probably have some work to do and have to see where we may be contributing to the problem. It can be a tough pill to swallow, but if we are willing to take a look within, we can really make significant changes.
People need to gain a proper perspective on what is important when dealing with people….
Hi Michael
You bring up a very good point; if we can clarify that, we can interact more successfully, even when conflict arises.
Hello Kelly,
I’ve learned over the years that uncovering the underlying or hidden goals and beliefs happens when you look beneath the conflict. Sometimes, it’s good to determine the facts and by finding the facts is essential to resolving conflict, for often conflicts are generated by a misperception or misunderstanding of the facts involved. Loved your message today!
Hey Nate
That is an excellent point you bring up; if we can look past the disagreement ,and what is driving both people, that greater understanding of each other can really move things forward. Love that!
Hello Kelly,
Appreciate your message today. There are a number of reasons conflict goes unresolved. One thing that has helped me is learning the personality colors. It helps me to know why people say the things they say. Next, as long as I know I am within my values it’s none of my business what people think of me. Lastly, get away from the naysayers and the negativity. We can’t change people but we can give the right example.
Thanks for sharing your blog with us today.
toni lauterio
Hey Toni
Glad you liked the post, and thanks for taking the time to comment. I remember learning about the personality colors at a retreat for a job I had several years ago–very interesting stuff, and very helpful information for learning how to deal with people and understand them better. You are so right about that..it is none of our business!
Hi Kelli,
It’s said that you tend to hurt the ones you love the most, and perhaps that’s true too. 🙂
Most people find it hard to handle conflicts because of the major ego problems they have. As you rightly mentioned, each one feels that he or she is right, and the other needs to change or listen to them. They aren’t ever ready to bend themselves or accept things as they are.
I think if you can accept the other person for who he or she is without trying to change him or her, you do yourself and your relationship a big favor! No one can become like you, nor should you expect someone to change for you, though a little adaptation is alright. Or else that person would never be who he or she is and become someone else. Each to his or her own, and we need to respect them for who they are, very simple and clear.
Thanks for sharing. Have a nice week ahead 🙂
Hey Harleena
I think you may be right with that first point! And yes, like you said, those pesky egos of ours can get in the way and really cause us trouble when it comes to our dealings with other people, especially those really close to us. That acceptance really does give you a greater peace about the whole situation and relationship. I have gotten better at doing that with people, and it has made my life a whole lot easier.
Hi Kelli!:;
I came to your blog by way of reading and commenting on one of Ryan’s post. You have raided so many thought provoking points, that I’m not sure where to begin.
Other than to say that you are so right about probably never changing someone else’ mind! I’m getting headache just thinking about a session I had recently with a relative! We both said our piece and nothing was resolved!!
You’d think I would have learned already! Thanks for sharing your much more organized thoughts on this subject!
Hi Mark
Thanks for stopping by and taking the time to comment. I am so glad you liked the post! I know all too well what that is like…it is something we know we should not attempt, but sometimes we just can’t help it! There is always that hope they will see our side of things, and at least accept, if not totally agree or support. But, if we can achieve some degree of peace about their stance, it goes a long way.