Is Happiness Eluding You? 4 Reasons You Don’t Have What You Want

The pursuit of happiness is a very worthwhile goal. Don’t let all those cynics discourage you. It is not naive to want a better life and to live to your fullest potential. We want what we want, and that alone is reason enough to go after it. But, if you don’t have those things yet, or you aren’t actively working towards them, something is amiss. As someone who went from not having any of the things I wanted to building a life I never would have imagined possible, I learned quite a bit about what holds us back.In my own experience, these are four major stumbling blocks on the path to awesomeness.

If you feel so inclined, check out this short video talking a bit more about this whole ‘getting what we want’ business.

Do You Even Know What You Want?

This may sound like a dumb question, but if given a bit of thought, a lot of people may be surprised to find they answer ‘no.’ Due to outside influences such as family, religion and society at large, what you should want was probably pounded into your head quite nicely—if you happened to have truly wanted these things too, you’re golden.

If not, you probably feel a great sense of confusion within. You feel you should be happy, and you’re not. I think a lot of people fall into this camp. The conditioning gets so deep, we just follow the course without any real deliberate thought. Plenty of other people are doing the same thing, so we never think to really question it. Then at some point, we realize we are not too happy with the path on which we find ourselves.

At this point, the denial sets in for many of us. Admitting we ‘screwed up’ is just too painful, especially if we feel it is too late to do anything about it. But, it’s not too late.

On some level, I think most of us are in touch with our ‘real’ self and we kind of know what we would like to do, and the type of person we would like to be. But, for a variety of reasons, from caring too much what others will think of us, to being discouraged by parents, that part gets beaten down. Sometimes so much, we can block her out for long periods of time. But, she is still alive and kicking somewhere, and she makes her presence known in a host of unpleasant ways, such as depression, anxiety, a pervading sense of unfulfillment, lack of energy and anger.

We get so caught up in the day-to-day responsibilities of life, we get completely out-of-touch with ourselves and our feelings. We know we aren’t feeling great, but don’t take the time to examine it. The examination can be a bit painful because it often means facing up to things we would rather not; it means admitting we actually are unhappy—that is a pretty big step that can be hard to take. So long as we never fully admit to this fact, we can chug along quite nicely pretending everything is fine.

We tend to be quite clear on what we don’t want, and energetically speaking, this is not the same thing. So, my dears, I ask you now..what is it you do want? What changes would you like to make in your life? If it helps, write down all the things you don’t want and like in your life, and then use that as a springboard to define what you do.

Don’t hold back here. Just let it all out. What would an ideal day look like for you? What things would make you happiest? Listen, depending on what desires you let slip away, some ships may have sailed completely, or you may have to do a bit of modifying of your desire to fit your current circumstances. That’s okay—don’t despair.

If you’re 45, you probably can’t make up for passing up that opportunity to model in Paris when you were 19; forgive yourself and focus on a new dream. You have no idea if it would have turned out well, so don’t romanticize too much.

Traveling the world for years at a time may not seem feasible now if you have three kids in school, but if that passion for travel is still alive within, you can certainly find a way to satisfy it.

Things can’t change until we gain clarity about what we truly want. Don’t underestimate that power of clarity—it sets a intention, and intentions are very powerful.

Your Experience Now is Serving You in Some Way

This one can be hard for people to wrap their heads around because it would seem absurd we would choose a life we don’t like, purposely not do things that would make it better, and do things that perpetuate it. The idea we ‘want’ the ‘bad’ stuff seems asinine. And to our conscious minds, this is all very true.

But, there’s a lot happening behind the scenes of which we are not fully aware. And, yes, you are the way you are now because it is serving you in some way—it is giving you something you feel you want or need. If that wasn’t the case, you would change.

So, if you seem to be stuck in a certain way of being, find you keep attracting the same types of people and situations that you consciously feel are unwanted, or make bad decisions with the sense you just can’t help yourself, this is why.

If a woman grew up seeing her mother treated very poorly by her father—constantly belittled, insulted, made fun of, and what have you, at some point, she may have made a decision she would never let that happen to her. So, she seeks out men who are ‘inferior’ to her in some way so she will not be subject to this same situation. Maybe they are less ‘worldly’, intelligent, cultured or educated. Consciously, she is not aware of this, and deems herself ‘unlucky’ in the love department.

If a person has had certain experiences happen in her life that has made her feel like a victim, and this has gotten her a lot of attention and sympathy, she will continue to seek out situations that perpetuate this view of herself, to keep getting this attention. Also, the victim ‘story’ is so ingrained, she can’t see herself any other way. Consciously, she laments this state of affairs, but deep down, this identity is comfortable, and she doesn’t know who she would be without it.

Another aspect of this is the fear associated with certain changes that may happen should we actually get the things we want. There may be the worry your blue-collar family will view you unfavorably if you become a ‘suit.’ Do you worry your ‘best self’ will be incompatible with your current boyfriend so you shrink back?

Give this one some serious thought, and I think you will make some very profound insights that can set a strong foundation for positive change.

Screwed Up Priorities

Gauging how a person spends her precious time is a very clear indicator of what she truly values. People do a lot of complaining about the state of their lives, but it is clear very little effort is being made to change. Us humans are really funny that way.

We wish things were different, yet, we spend very little, if any time, to making it happen. We claim to have no time to devote to activities that would make our life better. But, from what I have observed, many of us ‘busy’ people seem to have plenty of time to mindlessly surf the web and watch television. Instead of making room for activities that will enrich our lives, and facilitate the change we claim to want so much, we just keep on doing everything the same, day after day.

We are masters at making excuses. Even though we may not like how things are going, it is comfortable, and we value comfort highly. So highly, we can go years and years doing things we don’t like because the idea of changing, even if it would make things so much better, scares the crap out of us. And it’s okay to be scared, but don’t let that hold you back. Nothing can f#ck with our happiness as much as fear.

When you want something, you work towards it; if you have yet to do that, you really don’t want it that badly, end of story. Not saying you don’t want it at all, but there is clearly something that is higher up on your value system, like comfort, security, minimizing responsibility or a life that requires expending minimal effort. We all have our own unique mix of values, and you are allowed to hold dear whatever you want. So long as we are happy, that is all that matters. But, if you’re not happy, then this value system needs some serious tweaking.

So, if you are not really liking life at the moment, I ask you to tune into how you are spending your time. What are you making time for? What do you claim you want to make time for, but have yet to make good on it? What changes do you want to make, but have yet to set in motion? Do a bit of self-reflection on how you spend your days to uncover what you are truly valuing at the moment. What values are serving you and what ones are keeping you stuck in a place you no longer wish to be?

I know I may have sounded a bit harsh in this section. But, I’ll be honest with you here. Having seen some of the things I have seen in my travels, and the hardships some people face in their day-to-day life, hearing my fellow first-worlders complain about their lives, and act as if they are powerless to change, really gets my goat as they say.

We have so much opportunity to make things better; we don’t have to put our focus on how to survive day-to-day—we have the luxury to dive right into finding ways to thrive, and live life to the fullest. Don’t waste this opportunity. Be grateful for this position, and make the most of it. You don’t have to be unhappy; you have so much power, use it. Starting from where you are starting now, the changes you can make are nothing short of amazing.

You have so much awesomeness inside of you, just waiting for permission to be released. You just need to make that commitment to change, and make the time to do the things that will move you towards what you want.

Sometimes we need a bit of tough love to get the ball rolling, and that is what I wanted to give you here.

Limited View of Self

If someone had told me years ago that I would end up traveling the world for years, freelance writing, running a personal development blog, coaching people on how to improve themselves and having loads of people telling me how much I inspire them to make positive changes in their lives…well, to say I would have had a hard time believing that would have been an understatement if there ever was one.

Who I am now was not always who I was. While I certainly was not suffering from any major self-esteem issues, or had a life rife with major problems, I definitely wasn’t someone who had any grand aspirations for my existence. I looked at myself as ‘regular.’ I didn’t see myself deviating from the standard path most of us take. And I’m not knocking that path…as long as people are doing what makes them happy, it doesn’t matter how ‘normal’ or ‘conventional’ it is. It is when we aren’t happy that we need to stand up and take notice. But, anyway….

At some point, however, I didn’t feel happy, and rather than just keep chugging along, I delved into personal development, and exposed myself to information that changed the way I thought. I began to see possibilities I hadn’t before. I made a powerful realization that I could be different if I wanted to be. How I was now was not something unchangeable. How I viewed myself was just one perspective–a very limited one– and was not cold, hard, fact.

Any limited view we have of ourselves now is based on the opinions of others, negative experiences that cemented a certain belief about ourselves that proceeded to influence future outcomes (which wrongly reinforces said negative belief), and the circumstances in which we grew up.

We wrongly believe our past determines what is possible for our present. We wrongly believe our less-than-desirable traits are unchangeable, like laziness, a quick temper or passivity. We box ourselves in, and limit possibilities, because we just can’t see how we would move from where we are now to where we would most like to be. It is like we have blinders on.

The stay-at-home mom, or the person who has spent his entire life working for someone else, can’t imagine starting their own business. The person who has always been so shy about expressing opinions and ideas—no matter how good-can’t imagine sharing his thoughts with the world on his own blog. The person who has never left his home state can’t imagine being the world traveler, no matter how much he wants to do it.

Right now, you are just experiencing one version of yourself—and there are so many more available to you. All you need to do is decide a different way is possible, even if you are not quite sure how you will get there yet, this openness is a huge step in the right direction.

The things that would make us happy are relegated to fantasy, and are regarded with sentiments such as ‘wouldn’t it be nice.’ And it doesn’t have to be this way. There was nothing in my life to suggest what I wanted was possible, when I finally figured out what that was exactly. But, I gave myself permission to want it. I realized I could be different if I really wanted to, and I took action to create this new me. It certainly didn’t happen overnight, but it happened a lot faster than one might think. Changing our thinking, even if just a little, in the beginning, changes everything.

To get the ball rolling, you want to start conditioning your mind to focus in on the good things about you, instead of all the ‘bad.’ After reading this post, bust out a pen and paper and write down all your positive traits, strengths and all the things you have accomplished. Include everything, no matter how small it may seem. Read this piece of paper every morning, preferably out loud. You may find it helpful to do this exercise fresh every day, even if you are writing the same things—there is a lot of power in writing.

Life can be better; you can make positive changes. I know it can seem really hard sometimes, but that is only because of all our jacked up beliefs, deeply ingrained bad habits and lack of clarity. Make a vow that starting today, you’ll begin moving towards what you want, even if it is just baby steps.

What did you think of the post? Did anything in particular resonate or stand out to you? What are you trying to create in your own life, and what strategies are you using? Where are you struggling, and how  are you trying to overcome the block? Looking forward to hearing your thoughts so we can have a chat.