The Dark Side of Self-Improvement: It Can be a Lonely Road

Okay, the title may seem a bit dramatic, but it is what popped into my head, so I decided to just go with it, but anyway…..

Anything worth doing in life usually comes with its unique set of challenges. If you have made a decision to better yourself, and improve your life, you may be experiencing this truth right now.

If you haven’t yet, maybe you’ll be one of the lucky ones who will remain unscathed. But, this might be something that pops up for you too at some point, and hopefully, it won’t discourage you from moving forward.

The fact of the matter is, when you are trying to make big changes in your life, you can’t do that in a vacuum. These changes are going to cause a ripple effect that spreads throughout every aspect of your experience—often times, it can be more like a tidal wave.

You may notice over time your efforts are affecting your relationships with people around you. You may feel like no one understands what you are trying to do. It can feel really lonely sometimes. So lonely you may feel tempted to just temper things a bit so you don’t make too many waves. Hey, if that feels like the right move, go for it. But, for the most part, I highly discourage this.

I know what this feels like, and it sucks..A LOT. I wanted to share my insights on this topic in hopes it will remind people that they are not alone, that there are a lot of other people in the same boat.

You are Becoming a Different Person than the One You Were When Relationships Started

When people change, the dynamics of relationships currently in their life almost always change. This doesn’t always have to happen, and when it does happen, it doesn’t always have to be a horrible thing, or a complete severing of ties.

But, regardless of the exact course of events, you have to accept that when one person is making some sort of transformation and everyone around them is staying the same, something has to give. The only way for things to remain exactly as they were would be for you to go back to being who you were before you got yourself into this self-improvement mess 🙂

As you change ,and your interests change, you may not vibe with people as much—the commonalities diminish. This is not to say you can only have a satisfying relationship with someone who is exactly like you and believes all the same things you do—you certainly can. But, depending on what was connecting you, this may not be possible.

If your main connection with someone was your love of partying, your decision to stop drinking will probably put a crimp in things. If you have become more interested in exploring the ‘mysteries of the Universe,’ you may find it hard to be around people whose conversations primarily revolve around complaining about their lives, gossip and what happened on the most recent episode of some asinine reality TV show.

And, sometimes, there will just be a natural drifting apart without any glaring reason behind it.

This isn’t about becoming judgmental of people, and looking down on those who are not making this same effort to be their best self. Everyone has their own path, values and interests. They already may be perfectly happy with how their life is and who they are, or may not be but are not quite ready yet to do what you are doing.

The important thing to remember is, if you were not fully happy being the version of yourself that was most compatible with the other people in your life, you would be doing yourself a great disservice by slipping back into that person out of fear of changing relationships or how other people will view you.

You may head off certain types of discomfort and unpleasant situations, but make no mistake—you would then be signing up for a whole new set of ‘issues’ that stem from not being who you really want to be.

I know this can feel really badly; sometimes it feels really scary if it means moving away from people who have been a constant in your life for a long time. But, this sense of disconnect is not just going to go away magically at first. Trying to fight it will just make you feel worse. Try and foster a feeling of acceptance around this—it still may not feel good, but it won’t feel as badly as it has been.

You Trying to Be Better Puts a Spotlight on Everyone Else’s Crap

We have all experienced this on a smaller scale. Think of when you are in a bad mood and encounter someone who appears to be all chipper and smiley. You are not thinking, wow, good for her. You are thinking you would just like to punch her square in the face.

When people see you making significant changes in your life, it serves as reminder to them of all the things they don’t like about themselves; your pursuit of happiness may serve as a stark reminder of their own unhappiness, which we often go to great lengths to deny. Seeing you conquering your ‘stuff’ reminds them of all their own that has been festering beneath the surface, and sabotaging their lives in countless ways.

This leads to all sorts of outcomes that may make you feel badly about yourself. You may find yourself on the receiving end of criticism and ridicule. You may have begun to notice the interesting trend of people mocking others for anything related to self-improvement. People just generally aren’t going to be happy for you, and that can really throw us for a loop.

Your interactions with people may begin to change—sometimes it is really obvious and out in the open while other times it is more subtle. People may seem distant ,or you get the feeling they don’t want to be around you or talk to you. Phone calls become less frequent. You reach out to people and don’t get a response.

The way you are going about your life is bringing a lot to the surface, and it can make people feel really, really uncomfortable. On a deeper level, they are kind of blaming you for this, and it may make them distance themselves from you.

People vibing at very different levels really can’t be around each other too much—either the lower energy person has to rise up, or the higher-energy person has to come down, and the latter is highly undesirable, and depending on the momentum behind those good feelings, kind of impossible.

This distancing may be especially prominent in situations where there was some sort of shared ‘shit storm’ that has cast a shadow over the other person’s life –like two siblings who lived the same horrible childhood. These past situations are the primary source of blame for all his problems, but then here you are, appearing to overcome them, and finding a way to be happy.

When this happens with people that you are preparing to release, or feel okay about moving away from, you won’t take this as personally. But, when it is people you want to remain in touch with, like a sibling, it can really, really sting. The key is to remember it is not about you, it is about them.

It may take some time for them to come around; in the best case scenario, your efforts will inspire them to do the same, and you will become an energetic match again. Only time will tell. So, just accept the moment for what it is, and don’t get yourself in a tizzy that it will always be this way, it likely won’t.

It’s Always about the Other Person

I already kind of broached this subject with light-shining-on-crap thing, but there is a lot more to it that we need to realize to help cope with this sense of loneliness, and stay true to ourselves in the face of great pressure—internal and external– to do otherwise.

There are lots of different beliefs floating around in this world, which were formed over a long period of time. In most cases, they were implanted by some outside source, like religion, parents, or society at large. These beliefs gave birth to certain ‘norms’ and very strong ideas about what is the ‘right’ way to live, what is ‘appropriate’ and what you ‘should’ want.

With the exception of a few things, like not walking up to people on the street and shooting them dead, or molesting children, it is all arbitrary. It isn’t a matter of right and wrong, it is a matter of ‘preference’ and nothing more.

But, judging from the resistance most of us run into when trying to change our lives, it becomes clear that most people don’t see it this way.

They have a very firm idea of what life should be like, and if you are not conforming to this mold, this can bring up all sorts of stuff in people. In many cases, strong beliefs in these arbitrary declarations have made for very unhappy lives.

The person who is miserable in his profession because he was led to believe parents knew best, and was basically forced into a certain path. The woman who stays with the abusive husband, and is absolutely shattered, because she was brought up to believe divorce was ‘wrong.’

But, I’m getting a bit off topic here I suppose. The point is, when people see other people living their life in a way that challenges their beliefs, particularly when these beliefs have led them to do things they really didn’t want to do, it is really, really unpleasant.

But, instead of examining this feeling more deeply, they want to squash it as quickly as possible.And the only way to do that is find fault with you so they can go back to living in denial, and convincing themselves they are the ones who did the ‘right’ thing.

And sometimes, there is really no malicious intent, they simply just don’t ‘get it.’ And, because people can sometimes have difficulty being tactful, their failure to ‘get it’ can come out in ways that seem mean, uncaring or insensitive.

Another issue is people often take your efforts to be different as some rejection, or criticism, of their own ways. And as we know, a feeling like this would only be triggered if on some level, they were unhappy with some aspect of their life. Again, doing what you are doing can make people very uncomfortable.

While your ‘humanness’ may prevent you from totally making yourself immune from how other people treat you, remembering it is always about them can help ease the sting a bit. Over time, it will bother you less and less.

If You Know You are Doing What is Right for You, You are Not Making a Mistake

When everyone else seems to be at odds with your efforts to better yourself and your life, when everyone is criticizing you, when you find yourself drifting away from people, it is easy to activate that part of you that harbors doubt—I think we all have that within us somewhere—and you will start to question whether you are doing the right thing, or if other people are right. You will wonder if doing what makes you happy is worth all these uncomfortable changes and conflicts with others.

It can be tempting to just go back to how you were, or scale down your goals a bit so they are not as ‘controversial,’ or bold. But, chances are, if you have gotten to the point where you are experiencing this part of the journey, you are pretty damn sure about what it is you want in life, and the type of person you want to be.

Giving it up, or modifying it, so you can better fit in with the people around you, or avoid upsetting them, is not the answer. You are just trying to better yourself, and that will create change in every area of your life. You are just trying to be happy, and so long as that pursuit is not directly impinging on someone else’s well-being or truly hurting people, you have every right to do that. There is a difference between truly hurting someone and making him upset because doing what you want interferes with what he wants.

It sucks when other people don’t get it, or it means certain people will no longer be a major part of your life, but change is the only constant in life, and we can’t avoid it. If you know what you are doing is right for you, you have to keep doing it.

That sense of knowing is coming from your higher self, the part of you that is pure consciousness and all-knowing. The part of you that knows exactly what would make you happiest and lead to the most fulfilling life. The part of you that is not hampered by all the muck that comes with the human experience.

If you can remember this, you will be much less likely to give up, or compromise, because you know you will be defying this perfect wisdom. You will be more accepting of the obstacles that pop up because you will realize you are on the right path, and you will take them as they come.

Work on Connecting with People Who Do ‘Get It’

Support from others who understand us is always a helpful ingredient in dealing with the sense of isolation we may feel when we really start changing a lot. A lot of us are reluctant to reach out to people, or feel awkward about trying to forge new friendships, and for this reason, no one ever connects with anyone else. We are all waiting for someone else to make the first move.

A great site to connect with people face-to-face is MeetUp, where people with shared interests can get together. If you don’t see a relevant group near you, consider starting one.

I know online connections are seen as ‘inferior’ to those made ‘in real life,’ but I don’t totally agree with this sentiment. The internet allows us to connect with people from all over the world, people we would have never been able to meet otherwise, people who share our same interests, people who are going through the same struggles.

I have made many great connections with people I have never met in person, and they have helped me immensely in overcoming that lonely feeling when it strikes.

So, get online and search some forums. There are lots that deal with personal development or more specific concepts such as law of attraction. Read blogs about topics which interest you and leave an insightful comment—most bloggers respond personally to every one, and it can also open up a dialogue with other readers.

I can’t tell you how important this is in making you feel better. You can’t let that sense of being alone in this journey overtake you, or you will abandon it. And unless that is truly what you want to do, the results can be disastrous. So, do whatever you can to connect with people who understand, whether online or off.

If you felt you related to this post, I would love to hear your experience. Do you have any tips for dealing with this sense of being alone in your journey?

Till next time…