Not Feeling the Love? Dealing with Lack of Support for Your Life Choices

When pursuing the life we really want for ourselves, nothing can deflate our happiness more quickly than lack of support from the people closest to us. It really puts a damper on the whole experience doesn’t it? Aside from those uber-advanced people, who gladly welcome conflict and the resulting discomfort as an opportunity for growth, the rest of us could do just fine without it, thank you very much.

Doing what makes us happy, and other people being happy that we are happy, or at the very least, not giving a crap what we do, is the most ideal scenario. But, unfortunately, many people are faced with a much different reality.

A reality where people aren’t happy for you, you are criticized and judged, you feel alone, and probably more than a little (unnecessarily) guilty at times. It sucks…a lot. It can suck so much you may sometimes wonder if it is all worth it. It hurts a lot too that the people close to you can’t put aside their own ”stuff” and just let you be. You are not hurting anyone, you are just trying to be true to yourself ,and do the things you want to do. What the hell is everyone’s problem?

As someone who knows what this feels like, and has found a way to take the sting out a bit, I think I can offer a bit of advice that hopefully helps you deal with this sticky situation.

There is No Right or Wrong…Just Different Preferences

Well, this is not totally true actually; if you prefer to make your money by selling drugs to kids, or stealing, for example, yes, that is wrong because in order to get what you want, you are hurting other people;  But, you know what I am saying.

The problem is, most people don’t see things this way. They have very firm ideas of what is right and wrong based on the norms of a particular family, society, religion, and various other outside influences, as well as their own personal opinions.

And, if your actions fall outside this ‘norm,’ it is very easy for them to say that you are ‘wrong’ and they are ‘right.’ The fact that the large majority of people are doing things a certain way bolsters their argument, and that is that. There are certain things that you ‘should’ be doing, and if you are not doing them, you are the one with the problem, no two ways about it.

And because you are human, you will experience doubt about your choices, and will in fact wonder sometimes if you are doing the ‘wrong’ thing; but, you’re not because in this type of situation, there is no ‘right” or ‘wrong’; it is all about a preference and nothing more.  And all those other people have their own ”preferences” and if yours don’t match up, that is their problem, not yours.

You Have a Right to Live the Life You Want to Live

We all have a right to pursue happiness, and to live a life that is in line with what we value most. Sometimes this may involve doing things that other people view as ‘selfish.’  But, if this accusation of ‘selfishness’ stems from the fact that doing what you want interferes with what they want, guess who is being the selfish one? Not the person who is simply pursuing the life she wants without truly hurting anyone, it is the people who are are giving you a hard time because they don’t like it for whatever reason.

But, even if we know this, it can still be hard , especially when the hurt feelings may be due to things like being upset you moved far away because they miss you. In these cases, they are not just trying to be nasty for the sake of it, or getting all worked up about things that really have no direct impact on them, they are hurting too. Sometimes , there is no ill intention behind their actions, they just simply don’t understand why you want to do the things you do–but, the problem is, this lack of understanding is often displayed with hurtful comments.

But, regardless of what is sparking their lack of support, it is up to that person to find a way to deal with it. It is not fair to expect you to bend to their will, to sacrifice your own happiness for theirs. They are entitled to feel however they feel, and it is okay to express their feelings, but in a way that is respectful of your choices, not in a way that is meant to make you feel guilty or like there is something wrong with you for wanting what you want.

Talk about How It Makes You Feel–Really Let It All Out

This may be harder for some of you than others, whether it is because you tend to keep things bottled up, or you and the people with whom you are having issues don’t have the type of relationship where you speak openly about feelings and all that mushy stuff.  But, it is important you at least try.

I wish I could tell you that doing this will set the stage for wonderful, fruitful dialogue that will dramatically improve the situation, but there is a good chance this will not happen at all, or if it does, will only make a minimal short-lived impact. But, at the very least, you can make your loved ones aware of how their actions affect you. I sincerely hope that for at least some of you, taking this step will really change things.

You may wonder what the point is then, but having this conversation offers other benefits. By bottling in everything, you are creating a lot of toxic energy that is impacting you in all sorts of negative ways. You probably have all sorts of imaginary conversations in your head with your loved ones, explaining yourself and telling them how their behavior hurts you–it is vital you have this conversation for real.

They may not agree, they may not understand, but it is important you get it off your chest. At the very least, maybe they will keep their opinions to themselves more often, rather than digging into you every chance they get.

We know we shouldn’t have to explain ourselves, but often times, doing so can make us feel better, and feeling better is the name of the game here. No matter what the outcome is, giving your side of the story will help you achieve a bit more peace of mind about your path, and the fact that other people may not support it. You will feel better knowing you put it all out there, and they can do what they will with the information.

Don’t Fool Yourself into Thinking a Lack of Conflict Would Make You Happier

Because this problem can weigh so heavily, it is easy to think your life might be better if you modified your path, and chose a life that didn’t cause so much ”controversy.” You might think you would feel happy with making the other people in your life happy; there is much joy to be had from bringing happiness to others, but that applies to stuff like volunteering at your local soup kitchen, or pursuing a profession where you really get a chance to make a difference in other people’s lives– not giving up all the things that make you happy, and make you who you are, so that your life lines up with someone else’s arbitrary idea of what is ‘right’ or ‘appropriate,’ or to give in to someone else’s selfish desire.

Changing your course to be more in line with what other people expect, and prefer, can certainly eliminate conflict and plenty of unpleasant feelings, but by not being true to yourself, you are inviting a host of new shitty feelings, and inner conflict. And, as hard as it may be to deal with push back from other people, living a life where you are not honoring who you truly are, is much more difficult, and will make you much unhappier, trust me on that one.

Accept You May Never Get the Support You Desire

Our resistance to the problems we face in our lives causes us a great deal of suffering; while we can’t totally eliminate adversity , how we respond to it can make a world of difference in our emotional state.

There is a possibility you may never get the support you seek, that your loved ones will never give their blessing, that they will always view your choice as ‘wrong.’They will only ever think about how your choice impacts them; they will never take responsibility for their own happiness; they will forever try to make you feel guilty.  Seeing things from your perspective is a near impossibility.

There is a peace and freedom that comes with accepting the negative experiences we face–we still may not feel good, we still may not agree or like it, but when we stop trying to fight it, these feelings are not as intense.  While hopefully someday the situation will change, accept the possibility that it won’t, and it will be much easier to deal with.

You are doing what is best for you, and you know you are making the right decisions–draw your strength from that, and power on. Seek out people who do support you, and do understand you.

Whatever reaction the people around you are having to how you live your life is stemming from something inside them, whether it be insecurity, jealousy, or a questioning of their own choices and beliefs–all of that is uncomfortable, and criticizing you, and convincing themselves you are the one with the problem, is easier than dealing with what is being stirred up within. Know you are not alone, and many people are dealing with this same problem. All this resistance is only making you wiser and stronger.