Someone emailed me this question and I thought the issue is a common one and my response may be of value to others so I shared both here…
Hi, Kelli.
Is it possible that, no matter what you’ve shifted, some things just will never change on the outside? I’ve been at this for decades, to “work on” (you know what I mean!) myself and in the hope of seeing a change in family relationships.
I’ve done it all and, yes, shifted MANY and HUGE beliefs, feelings, points of view – including about worthiness, what I will and won’t put up with, what “should” be, letting go of right and wrong, accepting what is, learning from contrast, determining my preferences, etc. I definitely handle things differently now, see why people behave as they do differently. But it’s not easier and the abusive encounters are no less.
Shouldn’t that have changed, shouldn’t the people around me be showing up differently at some point? Are there some things we just can’t change? I cannot leave the situation (I am caregiver for my mom, who has dementia; it’s my dad and his family who are abusive), although that’s the only solution I see. Thanks for any reminders or new guidance!
When it comes to our relationships, the energetic shifts we make may result in them changing significantly even if the other person is still basically the same…it seems like we align with some other version of them as we remove ‘stuff’ within ourselves that was previously being mirrored back to us in our interactions with the person.
They may still be just as stubborn, mean, combative,etc… in general but we don’t experience it directly as much. But this may not always happen and when it doesn’t it is important to remember this does not indicate any sort of ‘failure’ within yourself, that somehow you are doing something ‘wrong’ in the work you have been doing to address this situation.
Remember that in situations with other people, ultimately the real goal is change within ourselves–adopting a different perspective on the situation and the person, seeing what buttons are being pushed within us and addressing those fears, beliefs and such.
It is remembering that the person themselves is really not the problem but how we are responding to them, interpreting the situation. I know this can be really difficult when people are behaving in more ‘dramatic’ ways such as being abusive,etc…
And this personal responsibility for our feelings and how we are dealing with the relationship doesn’t mean just putting up with it, denying their problematic behavior or not confronting them if we feel that is necessary. It doesn’t mean we still continue to have a relationship with them, just letting them act however they want. It doesn’t mean we don’t look for external solutions or make changes in our lives to help us deal with the situation.
We can still acknowledge they are behaving in a harmful manner, but we have to accept that how it affects us is ultimately influenced by what is happening in our own minds. We have to take ownership of the emotional responses. It is also important to engage in honest self-reflection and see where we may be resisting the changes in thinking that may be necessary to bring us the emotional relief we seek.
This tendency can be especially prevalent in the area of relationships because many of the most healing ideas require us to dramatically change our view of the people who have seemed to cause us so much suffering and the ego mind typically is not open to doing that.
I know you are in a difficult spot with the caregiving role for your mother and if you truly believe that it is not possible to remove yourself from the situation so you don’t have to interact with these people anymore, this inner work will take on even more importance because you will be facing a lot of external resistance in the form of these interactions.
General emotional self-care will be very important in this case because you have the double stress of the caregiving role and fractured family relationships. You have to carefully consider if there are options to help you minimize interactions with these people and if you discover there are, but you are not comfortable taking these steps for whatever reason, you are free to handle the situation however you choose, but it will be very important to take ownership of your choices.
And lastly, it is very important for you to acknowledge where you have succeeded in this journey and not to dismiss that progress because certain areas of your life still seem to pose challenges.
Ultimately your peace of mind and what you seek is not dependent on your family members dramatically changing who they are or these relationships transforming in any significant way. While that is certainly a possibility, and would be nice for sure, it is not a necessary component.
Have a question and would like my two cents? Shoot me an email at kellicooper1102@gmail.com. Would love to hear from you!
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Re: self-care, minimizing interactions – amen!!!! Steep learning curve in realizing what boundaries are and that they’re about ME, not the other person, but also in learning how to stand up for myself/my mom, in whatever way is necessary even if that sometimes means being louder/meaner than I’d ever thought I could be and that doing so doesn’t make me bad/less than/mean, etc. It’s sometimes brutal but self-care and peace of mind require difficult choices, even as the ego screams, “If this LoA crap was really working, you wouldn’t have to choose “bad” things like not communicating with so-and-so, which means you must be doing it wrong or just weak! A stronger person would find a way to make this all work out.” Another lesson has been just letting whatever slide sometimes because doing so causes less vexation than trying to force a change, even if something just isn’t morally right. There’s only so much one can do in some situations.
Re: acknowledging progress – yes!! This has proven vital, even if progress doesn’t look as I’d thought it would.
Thank you for posting this and I hope my question and your response serves others, too.