{"id":342,"date":"2014-05-19T12:47:50","date_gmt":"2014-05-19T12:47:50","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.livelifemadetoorder.com\/blog\/blog\/?p=342"},"modified":"2021-08-02T04:46:21","modified_gmt":"2021-08-02T04:46:21","slug":"cant-get-along-handling-conflict","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.livelifemadetoorder.com\/blog\/cant-get-along-handling-conflict\/","title":{"rendered":"When We CAN’T Just All Get Along: Handling Conflict with People Close to Us"},"content":{"rendered":"

Oy vey..a whole book can be written about this topic, and many have. It is something most of us will never quite master in our lifetimes, myself included. We just have too much \u2018stuff.\u2019 We have all sorts of weird attachments to the people closest to us, and they are the ones that know just how to push our buttons.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

We shouldn\u2019t care what others think about our choices, but sometimes we do. People have very firm ideas of what is right and wrong, and strong opinions, and if you are out of line with this, good luck. Feel free to insert the million other issues that lead to a similar result\u2014conflict.<\/span><\/p>\n

And conflict with people close to us is a whole different beast than that with strangers or other people who don\u2019t quite stir up our emotions the same way. We have established a ton of bad habits in this arena, and you may see the situation as it exists now as \u2018unchangeable.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

But, there is hope. It doesn\u2019t have to be this way. Maybe you won\u2019t become some Buddha-like master of human relations; maybe you\u2019ll still lose your shit every once in awhile. But, you can do better, and isn\u2019t better the name of the game anyway? There is no such thing as perfect.<\/span><\/p>\n

No One Can MAKE Us Feel a Certain Way<\/span><\/h2>\n

This is a good one, and a hard one. <\/em><\/strong>I still have many, many (a million more many) moments when I am less than convinced of this truth. But, I have also done enough work on myself to know it is in fact a truth, a great truth that can ease so much of our suffering, if we are willing to put our ego, and tendency to blame others aside.<\/span><\/p>\n

No one can MAKE us feel a certain way. <\/em><\/strong>No matter what someone is saying or doing; no matter how much of an a-hole he is being; no matter how unreasonable or bat-shit crazy someone is acting. How we respond is all about us.<\/span><\/p>\n

They are just simply triggering some specific piece of crap that is floating around within you; you are responding in a certain way based on deeply entrenched habits; you can only get upset by the criticism or judgment of others if there is a part of you that believes what they are saying may be true.<\/span><\/p>\n

By blaming other people for making us feel a certain way, we are taking away our power. And, being imperfect humans, the normal ways in which we respond are understandable<\/em><\/strong>\u2014I respond that way myself still, A LOT\u2014but we have to acknowledge there is another way, a way that will allow us to be more level-headed in the midst of conflict, a way that will help us discover what is going on inside us that is making us respond in the ways we normally do.<\/span><\/p>\n

Realizing how you are responding is totally you can open the doors to wonderful insights that will improve all areas of your life, and particularly, your dealings with the people closest to you.<\/span><\/p>\n

Seeing Where We Can Be Different and Accepting Other People May NEVER Be<\/span><\/h2>\n

Since we can\u2019t force anyone else to change, or act differently towards us, we have to think about what we can do differently<\/em><\/strong>. Again, to do this, you have to do your absolute best to beat down your ego, and not focus on the other person\u2014his faults, his mistakes, and all the other stuff that makes your blood boil.<\/span><\/p>\n

Like I mentioned before, the way you are acting now is out of habit. Certain \u2018rules of engagement\u2019 were established at one point, and that became the default. That is a why a person in her 40\u2019s can still react to her mother during a fight in much the same way she did as a teenager. These habits can be broken, however, if you are willing to break them<\/em><\/strong>.<\/span><\/p>\n

In some ways, how you are reacting now may be giving you some sort of satisfaction\u2014if you are having a fight with your husband, it may present you with an opportunity to say some really f$%#ed up stuff that is born from deeper resentments, and larger issues that loom in the relationship, and you never pass up this chance. This is something you will have to think about, to see if it appiles.<\/span><\/p>\n

A lot of our suffering is caused by wanting the other people to be different in some way; if they just didn\u2019t do this or that, if they were just this<\/em> way instead of that<\/em> way, things would be so much better between the two of you. If they could just see that I\u2019m right.<\/em><\/strong> Are there things this person should maybe be doing differently? Yeah, probably.<\/span><\/p>\n

But, if you are insisting on that as a condition for an improved relationship, or as a necessary component of feeling better about how things are between the two of you, you are in for a lot of disappointment. While you still may get mad, or disagree, accepting a person will not change can reduce the intensity of your interactions and the subsequent reactions; it will allow you to detach a bit more.<\/span><\/p>\n

Accepting People Will Never Understand Your Side<\/span><\/h2>\n

If your issues with your loved ones stem from their unhappiness, criticism, or lack of understanding regarding your life choices, I have been there. And I know how difficult it can be. People have very firm ideas of what a \u2018proper\u2019 life looks like, and if yours doesn\u2019t fit the mold, the push back can be endless. If you doing what you<\/em> want somehow interferes with what they<\/em> want, forget it\u2014you will forever be labeled as \u2018selfish.\u2019<\/span><\/p>\n

People will swear up and down\u00a0 if they were you, they would act completely differently, that they would make whatever decisions they believe you should be making right now. And because this is all hypothetical, and these people will likely never be faced with making these choices because their life is completely different from yours, guess who will forever be the superior one? Not you, that\u2019s for sure. <\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

While it is totally possible to reach complete peace about this, you may not, and that\u2019s okay. But, giving up the hope that someday they will see the light, totally put aside their own issues, and support you fully, can go a long way in how you feel about this lack of support, and how you handle it when an issue arises. Maybe someday this will happen, but it is better to consider that a nice bonus , not something that must <\/em>happen for you to feel better.<\/span><\/p>\n

You can do your best to explain how you feel, and why you are doing what you do. They will either get it or they won\u2019t.<\/span><\/p>\n

Owning It When We Aren\u2019t Really Handling The Situation How We Want<\/span><\/h2>\n

I wrote a post about the other day about how to better handle it when people annoy us–like the co-worker who talks our ear off–and I feel this piece of advice is even more important when it comes to conflict with people close to us because the repercussions can be much more severe. Sometimes, we don\u2019t do the things we really want to do for myriad reasons.<\/span><\/p>\n

Making the decisions we really want to make would involve doing something really uncomfortable,<\/em><\/strong> something that may be viewed as inappropriate or wrong. It may involve us sharing things we would rather not discuss; we worry we will hurt people.<\/span><\/p>\n

The list of reasons are truly endless. And the discomfort involved can be so great, we easily convince ourselves these options are really not options at all. And then we conclude we are being forced into handling the situation a certain way, that we have no choice. We then see ourselves as being victimized by our loved ones, and this is a very bad place to be.<\/em><\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n

If you truly believe doing what you really want is more trouble than it\u2019s worth, that\u2019s your prerogative, but you must acknowledge you are making a choice.<\/em><\/strong> If you realize it is a choice, you will handle the situations better.<\/span><\/p>\n

Maybe you have a toxic relative, who has tons of problems, and is just an all-around shitty person, and causing you nothing but grief. And your dealings with this person are wreaking havoc in your own life, but you keep coming back for more because you have been taught to believe you never<\/em><\/strong> turn your back on family, you have to own that. On a somewhat related note, I am not a big fan of absolutes.<\/span><\/p>\n

If your mother\u2019s constant criticism is wearing on you, but you are reluctant to really sit down and discuss how this makes you feel, because you don\u2019t want to expose your vulnerable side, you have to own that.<\/span><\/p>\n

Again, it is totally up to you how to handle it, but realize you are taking an active role in the situation.<\/span><\/p>\n

So, there you have it\u2026.my two cents on handling all the yuck that arises between us and our loved ones. I hope you click away from this post with at least one helpful nugget that can empower you to take control of how you handle these inevitable conflicts.<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Oy vey..a whole book can be written about this topic, and many have. It is something most of us will never quite master in our lifetimes, myself included. We just have too much \u2018stuff.\u2019 We have all sorts of weird attachments to the people closest to us, and they are the ones that know just […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[15],"tags":[12,13,4,16,18,38],"class_list":["post-342","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-conflict","tag-adversity","tag-challenges","tag-change","tag-conflict-2","tag-relationships","tag-responsibility"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.livelifemadetoorder.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/342","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.livelifemadetoorder.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.livelifemadetoorder.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.livelifemadetoorder.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.livelifemadetoorder.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=342"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.livelifemadetoorder.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/342\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.livelifemadetoorder.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=342"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.livelifemadetoorder.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=342"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.livelifemadetoorder.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=342"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}