Is Trying to Be Happy Making You Feel Really Unhappy Sometimes? 3 Ways to Turn Things Around

We all read about how we don’t have to do anything to be happy, that we can just choose to be happy right now, regardless of how things appear currently. I totally agree with this statement; it is something we know. But simply knowing something does not mean it is easy to implement. Over time, this has been a piece of advice I have been able to follow a bit more easily, but I am certainly not at a point where it is my default setting, if you will.

If we could simply just flip the switch like that, we probably wouldn’t  be taking the time to learn about ways to be happier because we could just decide to be happy, right now, easy peasy. No need to read any books, evaluate our  behavior or any of that nonsense.

We would just magically become a different person. I’m sure there are people who were able to make this transition in such a manner, and I really admire them. If any of you reading this is such a person, please share your wisdom, because I really want to know!

The reality for most of us, however,  is we have to do some work to be happy. We have to clear out a lot of mental junk to develop the kind of mindset that gels with that particular nugget of wisdom. We have gotten really deep into a life we don’t want, and digging our way out and moving towards what we really want can be a challenge.

We have so many limiting beliefs and self-sabotaging behaviors we have to work through. We are continually stepping outside of our comfort zone; people in our life may not support us, and that really sucks. Your efforts to be a different person may mean you are moving away from people you have surrounded yourself with your whole life, and that can be an upsetting thought. The list of ‘issues’ are endless and our efforts to be happy can leave us feeling really unhappy at times

It doesn’t have to be hard, we don’t have to suffer, but, sometimes it will feel hard, and we will feel a bit of suffering. Sometimes, we can’t just move our attention away, or pretend we are not feeling it. We have to find a way to deal with it.

As someone who knows all too well what this feels like, I would like to share some advice that I hope helps you get through these rough patches.

Don’t Be So Hard on Yourself

I know I’m not perfect; no one is perfect. What constitutes a perfect person anyway? But, again, knowing a truth, and truly feeling it on the level of actual experience, are two totally different things. When we first get into personal development, and define the ideal version of ourselves, we can kind of paint an unrealistic picture of this new ‘us’ we hope to create.

On a deeper level, we have this expectation we will become ‘perfect.’ All our bad habits will eventually melt away; we will always feel happy and always keep a positive perspective. We will finally get out of our own way for good. We will just breeze through life, all of our inner demons having been slayed once and for all.

But, it usually doesn’t play out that way, and as we go along on this little journey, we will still find ourselves acting in a way that is not in line with who we want to be. And, instead of laughing at ourselves, or showing compassion, we get really pissed off about it. We think we are not making progress. We worry we will never get what we want, and be the type of person we want to be, because we still need to be ‘fixed.’ And, this can really bring us to a low place.

The fact that we are mad makes us even more mad. The fact we are experiencing anxiety makes us feel even more anxious. We have a day where we just feel kind of depressed, and that depresses us even more. This isn’t supposed to be happening, damn it! I am supposed to be transcending all of this.

This is not to say you won’t make unbelievable progress in trying to improve whatever it is about yourself you are hoping to improve. You certainly will if you stick with it. But, don’t think you have to become some sort of spiritual master to reach your goals. Trust me on this one. I have made so many dramatic changes in my life, and have changed in so many ways, and I am riddled with ‘issues.’

Show yourself a little more compassion; think of how you would regard a friend who brought this same problem to you—you almost certainly would not judge them as harshly as yourself. Think of what you would say to them, and say it to yourself.

Think of all the progress you have made, and all the good you have created so far. You are probably not doing as shabby as you think.

Remember You are Doing What You Know is Right for You

A lot can happen to make you doubt whether you are doing the right thing. Maybe things aren’t happening as quickly as you would like. Maybe people are questioning and criticizing you, and you wonder if they are ‘right’ and you are ‘wrong’. Between our’ imperfect’ humanness, and an inability to see the future, you will naturally feel doubtful sometimes about whether you are making the right decisions, if you are going about getting what you want in the right way or if you will even get whatever it is you are after.

This is all heavy stuff that can really weigh on us, and at times, it can feel really overpowering. You can get stuck in a really bad place—a place chock-full of really, really uncomfortable feelings. You totally lose perspective, and everything just seems terrible.

I have been there, and one of the things that helped me deal with these low points was remembering that I knew I was doing the right thing for me. I had given a lot of thought to how I wanted to live my life, the type of person I wanted to be, and what I valued most. I was very clear on my path.

All the yuck I was experiencing was just part of the game—I knew it didn’t mean I had made a mistake or that I was doing anything wrong. I knew that I was taking the right steps to get where I wanted to be. Even though I felt like crap, I knew I was moving in the right direction. I knew abandoning this path in favor of a less ‘complicated’ one would not really make me feel better—I would just be trading in one set of uncomfortable feelings for a whole different set  that spring forth from denying who we really are and living a life we know we don’t really want.

When your efforts to be happy are making you feel anything but, remind yourself of this. Remember why you are doing what you are doing. It will help shift your perspective; it will inspire you to act even when you aren’t feeling great. It will keep other people’s opinions and ‘comments’ from weighing too heavily on you—remember any crap they are hurling at you is all about their own inner ‘crap.’

Feed Your Mind the Good Stuff

Fill your mind with information that makes you feel good, that empowers you, that reminds you why you started doing all this stuff in the first place. We have a lot of junky programming, and overriding it with the ‘good’ programming is something that could take place immediately in theory, but most of us are going to need a bit more exposure.

Our past experiences, old beliefs, other people’s opinions, observing the bad things that happen in the world, and a million other things can easily muddy up our efforts to really get this new belief system to stick and grow roots.

We have to condition ourselves to think in a new way, and the only way we can do this is by regularly exposing ourselves to information that supports this new way of thinking and being we hope to adopt. Just like the books, blog posts or whatever sparked something within you the first time you came across them, they can do this for you again when you are feeling down.

Perspective is everything, and right now, yours could use a bit of a shift. Focusing your mind on better ‘stuff’ will help you adopt a better perspective, and you will feel better. You will feel a renewed jolt of optimism. You might not feel completely better immediately, but the current fog will begin to lift a bit.

Know what you are feeling right now is normal; having a happy life is not about being happy all the time, or never having to face adverse conditions. Feeling this way does not mean you are ‘failing.’

Learn to be more accepting of these ‘low’ moments—they will pass. Accepting them can reduce their intensity because you are not adding to the mental discomfort by trying to ‘fight’ these feelings. When we give up this tendency to resist, the bad stuff becomes a lot easier to deal with—we still may feel whatever it is we are feeling, but we are more at peace with it. And as you go along, you will get more adept at handling these periods—the feelings won’t be as overpowering and they won’t last as long. I promise.